Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

[interestingdays]

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

What would you have done if you had been that other parent? How would you have handled it?

Nothing. I would have given another lift, and probably another after that, and then - if still not thanked - would have asked myself a bit more about whether I wanted my child to be friends with that child. I don’t parent other people’s kids.

Regardless of the reasons why OPs daughter didn't say thank you, I don't understand why the mother would tell her daughter that she thought her friend was rude.

Maybe she didn't say anything directly. Her child could have overheard a conversation at home where the Mum remarked that this child didn't say thank you and she thought it was rude.

It's clear from this thread that there are huge differences in what people see as right and wrong with regards to manners in this situation.

Personally I would have expected a thank you as that is how I was brought up but if the child was polite and pleasant during the journey, I wouldn't have said she was rude based on just one interaction. Every single one of us will have forgotten our manners as a child at least once, without exception.

I don’t parent other people’s kids.

I don't agree with this. I go along with the 'it takes a village' mentality and that everyone looks out for everyone else so would have no problem helping children learn social niceties. Although I've reviewed my position on whether I think the child is at fault and come to the conclusion that the favour was paid to her mother - kid was doing as she was told.

It's not like the mother shamed her by calling her rude, or laid into her for it.

After she'd got out, to her own child, she mentioned that it was a bit rude.

How many of us have ever said anything negative about a child, to our own family? I know I have.

It's a storm in a teacup. The daughter shouldn't have said anything to OP's dd but nothing wrong with what was said, privately.

I don't agree with this. I go along with the 'it takes a village' mentality and that everyone looks out for everyone else so would have no problem helping children learn social niceties.

I don’t. I parent my child. I teach them good manners and consideration for others. If another child they are starting a friendship with has bad manners, nothing I say is going to fix that. It’s the parenting that is at fault.

Obviously if the child is otherwise a sweetheart, I wouldn’t worry too much about the absence of ps and qs, but if it was accompanied by a generally poor attitude, I would, and would discourage the friendship.

I was a painfully shy child with no confidence, but I was more afraid of the consequences of not remembering my manners and being polite, please and thankyou were second nature, and in fact made things easier because it was something to say and people usually responded positively. I would message the parent yourself to thank them, just saying in case your daughter forgot.

Good manners aren't a way to catch people out. They're about making life pleasant for others.

It's far ruder to be vocal about a lapse in manners than it is to have a lapse in the first place. Why? Because a lapse in manners is unintentionally thoughtless. Reminding someone of it is a deliberate way of making them feel uncomfortable and small - the exact opposite of what the concept of good manners exists for.

Funny how when an OP gets an overwhelming YABU they go off the radar! Better to woman up and acknowledge the mistake, surely?

Except that it wasn't an overwhelming YABU except at the start. It was about 50/50.

When I was a child the 'mother in my head' made sure I remembered my manners!

Just make sure that, if there is a next time, your dd says a polite thankyou to the mum, and I'm sure the mum will change her opinion. Kids don't think sometimes, or forget. It's forgivable.

I wouldn't text her, unless it's to thank her for the lift. Don't worry just use it as an opportunity to talk about saying thanks. If your daughter is upset by the comments avoid the family.

Hercule - exactly! Which is a measured response. And how most of us would have handled it.
But the other mother didn't handle this well by communicating it to her daughter. I think that's what the OP is upset about - the aspect of communication and her friend's mother talking about her Dd's rudeness to her own child (if indeed that is how it happened).

the aspect of communication and her friend's mother talking about her Dd's rudeness to her own child (if indeed that is how it happened).

That’s not quite how I read it, but yes, I agree, a child would have to be a lot ruder than this before I mentioned it to my child. But I would eventually, if necessary.

She’s rude. By 8 she should know better. Chalk it up to experience and I’m sure she’ll do the right thing next time

Oh my goodness what a great big fuss about nothing! I think people have too much time on their hands. Good god I can’t believe this mum has been that bothered to judge a little 8 year old by the same standards as an adult. There’s loads of reasons why she may not have said thanks. Ignore it op and back off from this mother, she sounds batshit and wildly inappropriate 💐

It's far ruder to be vocal about a lapse in manners than it is to have a lapse in the first place. Why? Because a lapse in manners is unintentionally thoughtless. Reminding someone of it is a deliberate way of making them feel uncomfortable and small - the exact opposite of what the concept of good manners exists for
Exactly. And the 8 year old has the excuse of being a little girl who made a mistake. The adult has no such excuse.

Except that it wasn't an overwhelming YABU except at the start. It was about 50/50.

Indeed, in fact as the thread has progressed the majority of posts are YANBU. Shame the OP didn't see that, but based on the (disgraceful) first two pages, it's not surprising she didn't want to keep reading.

Obviously if the child is otherwise a sweetheart, I wouldn’t worry too much about the absence of ps and qs, but if it was accompanied by a generally poor attitude, I would, and would discourage the friendship.

That's fair enough, and is in line with what many posters here are saying. The reaction you got was based on your earlier posts which appeared a lot more militant about manners. It's important to look at the bigger picture.

I don’t. I parent my child. I teach them good manners and consideration for others. If another child they are starting a friendship with has bad manners, nothing I say is going to fix that. It’s the parenting that is at fault.

Really? You teach your child and boom, they've got it straight away and are using it appropriately in all connected without prompting? Better call mensa then, because your child is exceptional. Most all children are in the process of learning things at any one time, including boundaries, and aren't going to be getting things perfectly right all the time.

Really? You teach your child and boom, they've got it straight away and are using it appropriately in all connected without prompting? Better call mensa then, because your child is exceptional. Most all children are in the process of learning things at any one time, including boundaries, and aren't going to be getting things perfectly right all the time.

Children make mistakes. Teaching them good manners involves telling them when they are getting it wrong. Over time, they get it right.

That's fair enough, and is in line with what many posters here are saying. The reaction you got was based on your earlier posts which appeared a lot more militant about manners. It's important to look at the bigger picture.

The reaction I got was because some people jumped on the defensive, then on the bandwagon, without paying close attention to what I was saying.

It's far ruder to be vocal about a lapse in manners than it is to have a lapse in the first place. Why? Because a lapse in manners is unintentionally thoughtless. Reminding someone of it is a deliberate way of making them feel uncomfortable and small - the exact opposite of what the concept of good manners exists for

Sorry to copy and paste this again, but this hits the nail on the head for me.

It is rude to not say thank you for a life, but one instance of not thanking does not make the child rude. It's just one behaviour that was so. Try not to take it so personally OP, your child is still well behaved and polite, she just had a slip. Talk to her about it and reassure her :)

As for 8 is too young to remember. My son's friends are all 5/6 and I have yet to fail to recieve a hasty 'thanks!' as they slide out of my car after I've dropped them home.

It's far ruder to be vocal about a lapse in manners than it is to have a lapse in the first place. Why? Because a lapse in manners is unintentionally thoughtless. Reminding someone of it is a deliberate way of making them feel uncomfortable and small - the exact opposite of what the concept of good manners exists for

Yes I agree with this :) I hope your DC is feeling better today OP!

The reaction I got was because some people jumped on the defensive, then on the bandwagon, without paying close attention to what I was saying.

I don't think that's fair, people were reacting to the content of those posts. I'm glad you clarified what you meant though.

I don't think that's fair, people were reacting to the content of those posts. I'm glad you clarified what you meant though.

Well, I think people might be less assumptive and aggressive and actually ask?