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Original poster

Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

483 replies

interestingdays · 23/06/2019 19:56

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

OP posts:
Ithinkmycatisevil · 23/06/2019 22:28

I give two sisters aged 14 and 12 a lift to school five days a week and have done for a while now. They never say thank you... ever, not even once. They often don’t even say hello when they get in the car.

I do think they’re a bit rude, but can’t say anything as their mum gives my younger dd a lift to and from primary every day and often picks my older dd up form secondary too (same school as her daughters) their mums lovely and helps me out a lot. My dds inform me that they talk to the girls mum on the journeys more than her dds do. It’s not like they’re shy... well they shouldn’t be with me, I’ve known them since they were tots, they’re just unthinking.

At the end of the day it’s the girls mum I’m doing a favour for and her for me, so although it can sometimes be annoying that they never say thank you, I’d never say anything about it.

jennymac · 23/06/2019 22:29

Amazed by the number of people who are saying they have been fuming about giving children lifts etc and not been thanked! Seriously, talk about first world problems!! I have given friends kids lifts, treats etc and been thanked sometimes, sometimes not, but I definitely wouldn't tell my own children that one of their friends was rude as, in my view, that would be a mean thing to say about a child.

RhiWrites · 23/06/2019 22:29

I don’t get the comments about the lift being a favour to the parent. The child benefited from the lift, so they should say thank you.

Thinking back to my childhood this happened to me. I had one friend who came to dinner at my house many many times, my dad driving her back home (with me in the car too) and one time my parents complained that she never ever said thank you (for the meal or the lift).

I didn’t say anything to my friend. I didn’t know how. I was worried about feeling rude myself in doing so. But I noticed that what my parents had said was true. While they’d brought me up to say a formal “thank you for having me, I had a lovely time” on departure.

I wonder if this is a similar situation. Since this was a first visit, maybe the other parent is just tired of children in general not saying thank you.

But at eight it’s not the child’s fault that they haven’t been taught to do this.

RavenousBabyButterfly · 23/06/2019 22:31

I wouldn't say it was rude of her not to say thank you for the lift. If anything it was less than perfect manners but I can tell you, given I work in a class full of 8/9 yr olds and have one of my own (as well as older children), that 8 yr olds with impeccable manners are in an extreme minority. The vast majority of them need reminding regularly. I think a lot of respondents on this thread must be quite deluded about their children's behaviour when they are not with them!

What I do think is rude though is marching up to another child and telling them that they are rude!

bellabasset · 23/06/2019 22:33

I think with an 8 year old I would contact the mother and thank her even had my dd already done so.

NoseyBuggerMum · 23/06/2019 22:33

In never hurts to say thank you but in this case it was OP not her DD who should have thanked the mum. The mum herself was rude and petty to make such a big deal about it to her DD.

At DC2's party last weekend quite a few little kids forgot to say thank you for their party bag (and this is on occasion where a thank you is in order since the child is being given something nice). I didn't mind. They were tired and excited and had been lovely little house guests for the two hours before they left. You'd have to be both obnoxious and to be honest a bit of a loser to spend your time worrying about the odd forgotten thank you (especially in this case when it was the mum not the DD who needed to say thanks).

I do think there's a certain brand of parent that teachers manners without any substance. This can work OK until around secondary school age. The child has just been taught the words and not the meaning (especially in cases like this where the child doesn't actually have anything to be grateful for). They're not genuinely considerate or appreciative but can be smug and self righteous. I noticed it in the kids I taught - some said the right words but it was clear in their actions it was hollow. Others may or may not remember a thank you (best of they did) but were pleasant students who were considerate and appreciative. This was what is important.

SammySamSam09 · 23/06/2019 22:34

I give lifts all the time and I've never even noticed whether I've been thanked. I always say "mind how you go" as they get out and drive off.

Summergarden · 23/06/2019 22:36

I’ve taught several hundreds of 8 year olds over the years. Even the most lovely ones forgot their please and thank yous from time to time. I suspect some parents wouldn’t believe it would ever happen, but it did.

But so what? They are just children, still learning and it’s not the end of the world if they forget sometimes.

As it happens, some of the individuals I’ve encountered in life that were the biggest sticklers for “manners” also happened to be the most judgemental, unpleasant and rudest people ...

VirginiaWolfHall · 23/06/2019 22:37

I’m the judgiest mcjudgy of parents when it comes to others kids’ manners however even I think it’s insane to brand an 8 year old as rude for a single incident.

I gave a lift to a bunch of 13 year olds this weekend, one of whom I went completely out of my way for and she was the only one not to thank me when she got out the car. In fact I’m still waiting for a text of thanks from her mother, who indirectly arranged the lift with a mutual friend that I was sharing lifts with. I have had no acknowledgement and am assuming I now won’t 🙄. That’s rude.

MomOfABeast · 23/06/2019 22:37

I think a lot of respondents on this thread must be quite deluded about their children's behaviour when they are not with them!

This. The parents who clutch at pearls at the odd forgotten thank you (and quite frankly I'd expect a thank you from the mum not the child in this case) would be horrified if they saw how their kids behaved when they're not there to see them!

Jeeperscreepers69 · 23/06/2019 22:38

Please and thank you should be second nature. Your daughter has learned a manners lesson. Dont interfere with silly messages. She needs to take it on the chin learn from it. Apologize and move on.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 23/06/2019 22:40

I’m the judgiest mcjudgy of parents when it comes to others kids’ manners however even I think it’s insane to brand an 8 year old as rude for a single incident

And yes, this.

OLdater · 23/06/2019 22:40

My DS is 8, I give a lift to his friend (also 8) once a week.
I can't recall him ever saying thank you, but I have never thought 'he's rude' the boys are chatting & laughing in the back, then he jumps out and says bye to my DS.. his mind is probably just preoccupied. The parents always wave out the door and say thanks.

MomOfABeast · 23/06/2019 22:43

As it happens, some of the individuals I’ve encountered in life that were the biggest sticklers for “manners” also happened to be the most judgemental, unpleasant and rudest people ...

Also this! While manners are obviously good and I've taught my kids to say please and thank you and hold doors etc (although no doubt they occasionally forget) I'm amazed at the number of people who are desperately focused on manners and oblivious to kindness and courtesy and actual genuine kindness.

There's a kid in my DC's class who we occasionally have round whose mum is like this. Always picking up other people's kids on minor transgressions (forgot to take shoes off when they came in the door, was talking too loudly, forgot to say thank you - all things which would be solved with a quick reminder). Her kid is the biggest tell tale and so annoying to have round. He's also always always causing issues between friends - leaving out one or trying to get someone in trouble or pointing out how much better he is than everyone else. Massive hassle to have him round and I've stopped offering. The kids who even quite often forget to say please and thank you but are nice kind little playmates are much more welcome.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/06/2019 22:43

FFS The child forgot to say "thankyou". She hasn't drowned a kitten!!!!!
All the ones saying I say " thankyou'. Do you not think you're a tad long in the tooth to be comparing yourselves to an 8 year old.

Sakura7 · 23/06/2019 22:44

My DS is 8, I give a lift to his friend (also 8) once a week.
I can't recall him ever saying thank you, but I have never thought 'he's rude' the boys are chatting & laughing in the back, then he jumps out and says bye to my DS.. his mind is probably just preoccupied. The parents always wave out the door and say thanks.

This is a normal, healthy attitude to take.

Agree with a PP that often the people most obsessed with etiquette and perfect manners are quite rude and unpleasant themselves.

MomOfABeast · 23/06/2019 22:44

Please and thank you should be second nature.

Your child has forgotten to say please and thank you on several occasions. Just saying.

campion · 23/06/2019 22:46

I'd value good behaviour,pleasantness and politeness on the journey over a perfunctory thank you at the end. Why does she need to say please in this context?

I'd also keep an eye on the 8 year old 'friend' because that was a bit sly.

RomanyQueen · 23/06/2019 22:47

She was rude, it's not good to hear, they've all done it, even those who aren't usually rude. She obviously dropped her guard.
Her friend was equally rude to tell her though.

BoredTutor · 23/06/2019 22:48

As it happens, some of the individuals I’ve encountered in life that were the biggest sticklers for “manners” also happened to be the most judgemental, unpleasant and rudest people ...

Absolutely this and it really reflects in their kids. I teach a lot of kids (older teenagers actually) who have had it drummed into them to say please and thank you and you without even thinking about it. It becomes meaningless because they're not grateful and it reflects clearly in their attitude.

I'd much rather a kid who genuinely appreciates the effort you put in rather than one who has perfect etiquette but is smug and ungrateful. In my experience it often comes from the parents.

OnceFreshFish · 23/06/2019 22:54

At least in DS's school the most judgemental parents produce the most obnoxious kids. We often give a neighbour's kid a lift home although him and DS aren't particularly friends. He spends the entire journey talking about his superiority ("I'm the fastest you're not nearly as fast as me you're one of the slowest in the class", "X was on the rainy cloud today, I'm still on the sunny sky") It's literally incessant. He always remembers to thank me when he gets out. I'd much rather he was engaged in pleasant conversation. I'm sure he gets it from his mum who can't wait for another child to slightly misbehave so she can tell everyone about it. I'm fortunate DS is fairly easy going and not usually one to get in trouble or be rude but I'd still rather have one of his naughtier friends round than this kid and his polite showing off!

TheStuffedPenguin · 23/06/2019 22:55

An 8 year old ? Really ? Not rude at all . I would get it if she were older.

MirriVan · 23/06/2019 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dyakiki · 23/06/2019 23:13

The mum was wrong to bitch about an 8 yo to her child.

ChippingInLowCarbing · 23/06/2019 23:14

branded??? You’re massively over reacting. The woman thinks your DD’behaved rudely’ her daughter knows that and told your DD, that’s all. she didn’t take out the front page of the local paper. FGS

PERSONALLY, I wouldn’t expect an 8 yo to think to thank me for a lift arranged by parents., so I think she’s a bit batshit, but I don’t think thinknshes branding your DD.