Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

[interestingdays]

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

She was branded rude because she was rude. Teach her some manners.

Will teach her a lesson to use her manners then

I really don't understand why you've taken umbrage about this. Dont you think you'd feel like this if the shoe was on the other foot?

It's not rude for the kid not to say thanks. She's 8 she couldn't exactly take the bus home could she? It was her mum who should say thanks.

My kids never thank me for driving them places. Other people's kids don't either (although I will expect them to when they're older and capable of making their own so my driving is saving them effort).

A kid saying "thanks" would just be parroting it without meaning it. The parent saying thanks might actually be genuine since they're acknowledging the trouble you've saved them.

Only a very petty person would care whether the child parroting a thank you but a reasonable person might be bothered if the child's parent didn't acknowledge the favour.

I don’t think your dd can be blamed for being rude. An 8 year old child won’t appreciate the effort/time/costs involved in providing transport. And I’m sure now you’ve asked her to say thank you for a lift she will. No big deal. But if someone offered a lift for my child I would definitely thank them myself anyway and offer to return the favour.

A kid saying "thanks" would just be parroting it without meaning it. The parent saying thanks might actually be genuine since they're acknowledging the trouble you've saved them.

You can’t teach them to mean it. That’s up to them. You can teach them to say it, because that’s good manners.

Wow these posts are giving me food for thought. My parents were CF in MN terms in that they that somehow managed to get a couple who lived near us to give me a lift to school and back each day as they were taking their DD to the same school. I honestly can’t remember if I said thank you and, if I did, whether I said it every day. I do remember being hugely embarrassed that these people had been dumped on like that. But I can’t guarantee I always thanked them. However, I am nearly 50 now and I do still appreciate their kindness at that time. So please don’t judge a kid that maybe doesn’t thank you on the spot. It doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate what you have done.

@herculepoirot2

PP summed it up perfectly. You think you have excellent manners but you just sound mean and unpleasant. You should be more concerned with kindness in yourself and your kids then always reciting the correct word at the correct time. You also can't logically explain why the recipient of the favour (the parent) shouldn't be the one to say thank you. A child has no choice who drives them anyway.

I could be you, op. Dd probably would have. Ds, prob not. He was fairly shy with other parents at that age. I certainly wouldn't have got offended in the reverse situation either. Nor would I necessarily judge the parents. We are talking about 8 year olds here. They're still learning. I would expect the parent to thank me ,though.

I think this parent is very petty but don't think it's a bad lesson for your dd in that she learns what's expected from her from other adults .

Don't text her. You will look slightly mad. Just roll your eyes to yourself, keep your distance from the mum and move on. Uou do meet all.types when you have young children and there are some advantages to them growing up

So impeccable manners are the being all and end all?! I'd say the kid that blabbed back "my mum said you were rude not saying thank you," (said in a tale tale tit voice) was rudest. As a parent I'd mark parent and child out as hassle, and avoid. Oh and never talk about anyone else's kids until your own are raised.

I'd much rather a sweet, considerate Kid who occasionally forgot a please or thank you came to my house than a pompous, self righteous child who liked to pick fault in others but always remembered their pleasantries

THIS!

All the self righteous posters who would go out of their way to pick fault with an 8 year old in the most petty way then congratulate themselves on their good manners are so incredibly deluded!

THIS x 1000

A woman I know is obsessed with policing kids' manners. She is the rudest, most deluded, most judgemental hypocrite I've ever met.

I really don't understand why you've taken umbrage about this. Dont you think you'd feel like this if the shoe was on the other foot?

Most reasonable people wouldn't, no. Getting offended by a minor lapse from a young child is pathetic.

FranticToddlerMum

Honestly, all I am hearing here is people sounding defensive because they haven’t taught their kids manners. I am not saying anything “unpleasant”. Manners are pleasant. I am not blaming the child - it’s her parent’s fault if she hasn’t taught her to say thank you when she is offered a lift. You and others can pile on all you like but I think it looks a bit silly, when all I am actually saying is that manners are important and thanking someone for a lift is good manners. Perhaps I am old-fashioned. Or perhaps some people are rude.

You can’t teach them to mean it. That’s up to them. You can teach them to say it, because that’s good manners

You really are daft as a box of cats! You teach kids to say thank you to acknowledge favours which have been done for them. Not favours which have been done for someone else. It's not your child's job to get themselves home. It's your job to get them home. If someone does that job for you you should say thank you not expect your child to do it for you.

I come from a home where manners were very important but it was an expression of genuine gratitude and appreciation not something you were taught to say. Of course a kid isn't grateful because some adults arranged between them that one would do the school run one day and the other the next. They have nothing to be grateful for. The parent does because they've had their time saved.

Gerryatric

I don’t agree. I was taught to say thank you long before I considered whether I meant it. My parents didn’t particularly care if I meant it. Manners mean you say it.

@herculepoirot2

Absolutely right. Everyone who disagrees with you is just defensive. I hope you thank the parents who give your kids lifts as you're the one getting the benefit not the kids.

The kid wasn't offered a lift to save her the trouble of walking, she was told she had to get in a certain car to get home. She probably would have much rather her mum took her home rather than a nasty judgemental woman who couldn't wait to pick fault!

I hope you thank the parents who give your kids lifts as you're the one getting the benefit not the kids.

I thank them. My child thanks them. Manners.

@HundredsAndThousandsOfThem where did I say I wouldn't say thank you? I would say thank you when it was arranged and afterwards. I would still expect my child to use manners.

Clearly you don't so YOU are the rude one.

Anyway, I am getting bored of being insulted because my children are taught manners. What a topsy turvy place MN is. Goodnight, all.

I don’t agree. I was taught to say thank you long before I considered whether I meant it. My parents didn’t particularly care if I meant it. Manners mean you say it.

And you're the perfect example of why this approach is totally wrong. You're mean and unpleasant but don't seem to mind because your more concerned with your narrow view of the correct social etiquette.

I can’t believe an adult would brand a child as anything based on such a small exchange. What an awful example to set her own daughter.
Children forget their manners all the time for a number of reasons. They are children. Saying ‘please and thank you’ is a part of a social exchange and what we learn. It doesn’t directly reflect their nature. My nephew often forgets his pleasantries. He had a huge heart, I have seen him give away his ice cream when another child in the playground cried and countless other things. it says nothing about the generosity of a person etc.

How bloody judgemental of her

She is 8 for goodness sake. May have felt shy...who knows? I would not bat an eyelid if such a young child forgot to say thank you. What a silly parent to make an issue of it.

In this instance, it was rude not to say thank you. That’s not to say your DD is rude generally. I think I’d just underline that it’s important to thank people when they do something for you, I wouldn’t turn it into a big deal.

She is eight years old. I wouldn't expect a thank you. YANBU, OP

Anyway, I am getting bored of being insulted because my children are taught manners. What a topsy turvy place MN is. Goodnight, all.

It's always the narrow minded posters hurling criticism in all directions that flounce off in a strop when a tiny bit of it flies back in their direction!

Yes. Your narrow view of "manners" is all that's important. Who cares about compassion and kindness and just being a bit understanding to little kids. What's actually important is that the precise set of manners taught by hercules 30 years ago is replicated exactly in every child across the nation. NO deviation should be tolerated. Her parents taught her this way and anything else is acceptable.

Good grief you need to reevaluate what you consider important!

My daughter physically can't speak sometimes when her nerves get the better of her. She's a cutie though, and always gives a grateful smile if it happens and in the main people interpret that correctly. I'm always sure to thank the parent in front of her, and normally once they have met once or twice she is able to vocalise