Daughter branded as rude by another parent for not saying thank you when given a lift

[interestingdays]

My daughter's friend (both aged 8) told her that her mum thinks she's rude because she didnt say please or thank you when giving her a lift, recently. My daughter is generally v polite and manners are important to us. Does make me cross to think shes been judged and I'm straining not to send a message to say how upsetting it is to hear she's being branded as rude. My daughter is usually v polite but didnt know the mum and this was a new 'friend'. She may just have been v shy and uncertain.

You can tell from reading some of these posts why so many kids do behave rudely - their parents honestly don’t know what manners are!

Yes and you're one of them by the sound of it. If someone has saved YOU the time and trouble of driving your own kid home YOU should say thank you. A thank you from the kid is meaningless as they don't care who drives them home. The parent has been the one that's been advantaged by sitting at home having a glass of wine not the kid who wasn't able to get themselves home anyway. YOU have bad manners for not the 8 year old.

My dcs would say thank you, I still think that the other mum shouldn’t have discussed this with her kid

Actually you should be annoyed at yourself if you haven’t taught her to say thanks. You’re the one who has let her down

It’s my job to parent them. Someone else is doing it to be kind. A thank you is in order.

Exactly it's your job to parent them. The other parent is doing it to be kind to you. If they didn't give your kid a lift you would have to get off your ass and do it yourself so you should say thank you. The kid could say thank you too but it would be meaningless lip service since they didn't get any advantage by getting the lift you got the advantage so you should say thank you.

I give lifts to other people’s kids and they’re mostly polite and charming but they almost never say thanks. They do say bye very nicely. It’s never bothered me.

I never slag off other children to their class mates because that would be a horrible thing todo.

She's 8,and as OP said, possibly feeling shy. My DD is very polite and well mannered, always says thank you if something is handed to her or please if she is asking for something, but I won't know if she would think to say thank you for a lift, when she was preoccupied with saying bye and getting out of the car, especially if it wasn't someone she knew very well. I always go out to get her from a car if she is dropped off though and thank the person. My DD also gets quite shy about saying thank you if she's feeling attention is on her, like walking up to a parent to say it after a party. But it comes naturally to her if someone hands her something.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem

And I would say thank you. And so would they. And I would teach them to mean it, because someone is doing something kind that benefits them.

Christ. No wonder so many kids are just plain rude these days.

That should say don't know, not won't know

I don’t even expect my nieces that age to say thank you for a lift let alone an 8yo on her own!

My nieces show manners in lots of other ways.

I give a lot of lifts the vast majority say thank you it’s rare they don’t

YOU have bad manners for not the 8 year old.

I have excellent manners, and so do my DC.

I would 'hope' that my DS at 8 would have said thank you, but it is very young and your DD was probably just pleased to get out of the car in that particular situation.
Don't fret about it - your DD is only 8 and you'll quite likely encounter some odd situations where other mums/children are concerned.

Lots of MNers are very interested in saying the right things and not at all interested in being kind, compassionate people. They are also quite frankly not very well versed in 8 year olds.

If a child has been given a treat, someone has made them dinner or given them a drink they should say please and thank you. It's not unusual for polite kids to forget sometimes and only a real nasty, petty adult would be bothered by the occasional lapse. (Seriously if this is you - you need to give your head a wobble and find something more pressing to occupy your thoughts).

In this case the child would hardly have been left to make their own way home - their parent (OP in this case) should say thanks to the mum for saving her the effort of driving her DD home. The DD doesn't need to say thanks because she had no part in deciding it and would have got driven home either way.

Can I just say also that some parents aren’t always nice, children pick up on the judging element and freeze.
Dd may have been desperate to get out of the car and get away. IF she forgot her manners on the way out, then possibly it was simply a casualty of the situation.
My dc have felt ‘uncomfortable’ with certain parents. Ask your dd how she felt with them. I would also think twice before accepting further favours. Using your child to dress down another child is truly awful, and very rude in itself.
‘this is how not to behave Agatha’ it is grim at just eight years old.

If you have raised your dd with good manners, you do not need to explain to anyone why on one single occasion she didn’t/couldn’t or forgot to say thank you.
There is more to this than manners, and I would think twice before continuing your friendship, she is shaming your child at the tender age of 8.

I have excellent manners, and so do my DC.

I disagree. PP is right you should thank the mum not expect the kid to do it for you.

Also maybe concern yourself with being a little kinder and less mean spirited. I'd much rather a sweet, considerate Kid who occasionally forgot a please or thank you came to my house than a pompous, self righteous child who liked to pick fault in others but always remembered their pleasantries. Just some food for thought.

I'd much rather a sweet, considerate Kid who occasionally forgot a please or thank you came to my house than a pompous, self righteous child who liked to pick fault in others but always remembered their pleasantries

THIS!

All the self righteous posters who would go out of their way to pick fault with an 8 year old in the most petty way then congratulate themselves on their good manners are so incredibly deluded!

PitterPatterOfBigFeet

You don’t know me, so your disagreement isn’t very relevant. I have no issue with a child forgetting their manners occasionally. I have an issue with them not being taught any to start with.

Kids do forget their manners sometimes, it’s rude behaviour but it doesn’t mean she’s an awful person.

I would just use it as a learning experience. She feels bad that someone thinks she’s rude, so she should remember to be polite next time.

It’s really not a big deal so don’t make it one.

As a parent I guess I'd be a bit annoyed if I hadn't been thanked for a lift but I wouldn't comment on it being rude especially if the child had been polite in the journey and said bye. Thinking back to when I was a kid I don't think it would've crossed my mind to say thank you as it wasn't a tangible gift. Saying that I'd have a word with your DC and remind them that a thank you wouldn't go amiss.

Maybe she just forgot with the excitement of being out with her friend. If it's unusual then maybe just remind her and move on. It's not like she punched the other child in the face before keying the car. Not worth worrying about. I'm dreading when my daughter starts repeating things I've said 😂🙈.

hadn't actually thought to teach my daughter to say thank you for lifts

Really? Then i see your daughter not having many lifts in the future then.
I would be installing this in her as afraid i wld find it rude if i didn't get a thank you.

I have an issue with them not being taught any to start with.

I'm not sure if you realise it or not but you come across as both irrational, self righteous and incredibly unpleasant. Perhaps you don't mind since you've convinced yourself your manners are excellent.

The mum should thank the other mum for helping her out. No one has helped out the child who would have been driven one way or the other. OP has said her DD almost always remembers her pleases and thank yous and is sometimes shy. Making her feel self conscious is much more likely to make her forget the next time and is just mean spirited.

I do think it can often be put down to shyness if a child fails to say 'please' or 'thank you'. Or they might have simply forgotten, which in a child that age is understandable.

If a parent didn't say thank you, for example after a party or play date, then I would be far more likely to be unimpressed by their lack of manners. Whereas, with the child, I would put it down to shyness, or just forgetting, if they're a polite child in other ways. I wouldn't think anything of it afterwards either.

I'm not sure if you realise it or not but you come across as both irrational, self righteous and incredibly unpleasant. Perhaps you don't mind since you've convinced yourself your manners are excellent.

I don’t see what is any of ^ about saying children should be taught good manners. I think you sound defensive.

I've given hundreds of lifts and never been thanked (eldest is 8). I'm not doing the kid a favour - I'm doing the parent one. If the parent didn't ever thank me (regardless of whether the kid does or not) then I'd be annoyed but not the kid who isn't the recipient of the favour.