I want to go grey, but DH says no!

[KindleAndCake]

Who is being unreasonable?
I'm in my 40's and fed up of the constant dying of my hair. I've said I'm going to stop, but he says no. He really doesn't want me to. I've pointed out that he is going grey, but it seems it's one rule for him, and all that.

Out of interest, does constant dying your hair make it go grey quicker?

Paws "it's only society's judgement that has artificially pushed grey to the 60s and 70s."

agree. I know a lot of my friends have been dyeing their hair since 30s.

Would he like to pay for a professional to dye it for you? No? Then no chance, matey. I am as grey as a badger but my husband has no say in the matter!

@Tallgreenbottle - wow! I was not expecting That and it's something to consider. Earlier I asked dh opinion giving him two options and he went for me dyeing it again. I'll beat it in mind but I'm considering a complete restyle now. My hair is currently below my shoulders. I would need to find a hairdresser.

@motherheroic yes, I agree with that which had me thinking going lighter until I remembered my hair is steel grey.

@MeltedCrayons, your husband’s bloody lucky he’s got the chance to shag anyone, perhaps you should remind him of that. His brand of ageism and sexism would make him deeply unattractive to most women.

The radfems can me what they like. Doesn't change the fact that natural grey hair showing through is very ageing, and looks worse on women than it does on men.

1. No it doesn’t, not objectively. This is your biased, subjective view based on the societal expectations of women

2. I don’t give a shit if I look older than I am. Couldn’t give less of a fuck.

I asked DH if he would tell me I had to dye my hair when my grey increases. He looked genuinely confused. Just as I haven’t told him he must dye his hair for the last 10 years that he’s become increasingly grey. He would never ask, or even consider it.

I think people are missing the fact that not all grey hair is created equal. Some people have that "art teacher" type hair - all messily curly and that looks good grey. Or they have very thick hair which stays put in a pixie-type style.

Dsis went grey and decided to embrace it. But it wasn't just hair that was grey, it had a whole different texture - sort of fuse wire sticking up at odd angles. And then when it went almost white it started turning a bit yellowish. She didn't so much dislike the grey as the wiry texture.

Also, saying men don't dye - well, they usually have very short hair. I can imagine that most of us would not particularly relish our dhs/dps sporting a long mane of straggly grey hair.

And, finally (!), one's point of view depends on one's attitude to grooming generally. It's all very well to say, "Well, I don't give a flying fuck and I never spend even 1p all year on my appearance," but... many women (not me!) do and even if they do embrace grey hair they will still be involved in expensive hairdo maintenance.

Oh, not quite finally, Nora Ephron said that the greatest advance in women's lib was hair dye, and, I believe, polo neck jumpers...

Irma which people are missing that possibility? If that's how the OP hair is, then I still don't think her DH opinion matters a jot. All that matters is whether she wants to dye it or not.

Tell him 'Don't worry my lusciously controlling little hamster-man, I will continue dyeing my hair I promise, just for cutesy-wutesy misogynistic sweet little you. I will do it right now in fact.'

Then dye it grey.

Dyed hair can be spotted a mile off however professionally done as women in their late forties and fifties are unlikely to have blonde or whatever hair without grey. It doesn't fit with the skin and just looks odd; so many people who do this don't have shiny hair which is in good condition either.

This is just not true. My 58 year old hair which I’ve been having professionally dyed since my early 40s is in excellent condition. I have fair skin with a pinky undertone and I still have a fair amount of naturally dark brown hair anyway.

@IrmaFayLear - yes, I am trying to embrace the grey but have these mad fuse wires sticking out everywhere and it is not looking good. Have not found any product other than dyes that tames them.

@bingbongnoise since I stopped dyeing my hair and have let my natural grey show through it looks far better than the dye ever did - it's like a full head of grey highlights in different shades. Each to their own.

Women who dye their hair and don't go lighter as their skin tone alters with age look more aged imo than someone who is naturally grey.

When I was a kid my gran had naturally white hair and her sister dyed hers jet black. Her sister's was not the least ageing hair colour of the two!

Your husband says 'no'? Words fail me.

I think if your dh is going grey then he can't complain if you are grey.
I disagree about men look great with grey hair, it is just as aging as it is in women, no difference at all.
I don't like beards they never, ever make anybody look better. I also don't like baldness I much prefer a full head of hair.
It's not true that men look just as good bald as they do with beautiful hair. However, I don't care how anybody else has their hair, it 's not my issue.s
What is an issue though is one person leaving their hair grey whilst telling another they can't do the same.

bingbongnoise

I agree with everything you have said.

And whoever said dyed hair doesn’t look shiny has never met me! I have been dying my hair for 30 years, once every 12 weeks, it’s thick, silky and lustrous. Also suits my skin tone very well, I get tons of compliments and people are shocked when I tell them my age (mid forties)

OP, I’m sure your DH simply meant that he would prefer you didn’t go from a lovely attractive hair colour to an ageing grey, just as I would prefer my DH didn’t shave his lovely hair off or dye his hair purple. Of course ultimately I can’t force him to do anything, but I am allowed to express an opinion, and I know this makes me very much in the minority on MN, but I actually want my DH to fancy me! Odd I know

I'm past mid 30's and have tons of grey. I couldn't give a flying fuck and my DH couldn't care either. He is mid 40's with no grey at all.

The more I think about it, the more this view that 'ageing' is so terrible really bothers me.
We are all getting older.
Why is there this societal expectation that we have to look younger than we are?
Personally, I am happy to look my age. I am lucky to have good heath and clear skin. I put my few wrinkles (am in fifties) down to plenty of time outdoors and a face that expresses my emotions. I don't think I look bad at all.
If I dye my hair, I look like like a fifty something woman who dyes her hair. I do not look like I am 40.

Reading some of the more recent posts. My personal experience is that my grey hair has exactly the same texture as my non-grey hair. And unless I've missed it, nobody has talked about the fact that hair dye is a chemical and you're putting on a very delicate part of your body. I started to get a sore scalp from the dye and that was another reason I was keen to stop. I don't regret it for a moment.

I didn't consult my DH when I stopped dying mine as it's my hair!

socks “The more I think about it, the more this view that 'ageing' is so terrible really bothers me.”

Me too.

It's your hair so your choice.
He sounds like a right knob.
Tell him you want him to have a back, sack and crack wax

socks “The more I think about it, the more this view that 'ageing' is so terrible really bothers me.”

Me too.

It's awful actually. I also manage to annoy myself reading threads like this. I love reading the posts from all the positive, independent thinking, free-spirited women on here, but then allow the few negative ones, trotting out all the usual ageist, living-for-the-male-gaze women hating bollocks to still bother me.

I'm 32 and got my first grey hair at 21. I stopped dyeing my hair a couple of years ago as I didn't have the time or money for it any more. I never get any comments on my grey streaks (most people too polite probably). Yes, it probably does age me, and yes I probably now look older than my husband who is same age. But I dont care enough tbh. I hate the pressure put on women to always look young.

I know people who have sadly passed away before they got to an age of grey hair. It puts life into perspective.
You very rarely hear anyone say to a male that they should dye their hair (unless they work in a certain industry)
My work contract specifies that I am not permitted to dye my hair unusual colours

I don't dye it

I love me for being me !

@Socksontheradiator

The more I think about it, the more this view that 'ageing' is so terrible really bothers me.
We are all getting older.
Why is there this societal expectation that we have to look younger than we are?

I - like others who agree with me, have NO issue with 'ageing' and no-one has said they do. I also have no problem with looking my age, (which I do, roughly.)

What I do object to however is looking OLDER than I do. And women who let their natural grey go through DO look older. Sometimes up to ten years older, especially as @BossAssBitch said, if it's wiry and long and 'yellowy.'

It's not about trying to look young, it's about looking after yourself and looking presentable. And a woman with hair that is wiry and frizzy and grey, does not look like someone who takes care of herself.

As a pp said, if a woman is applying for a job, (who is only 35-ish, to early to mid 40s,) and she has her natural grey hair; any prospective employer would possibly think that she doesn't care about her appearance, so will wonder if she will care about the job if she gets it.

@TitaChocolate

It's awful actually. I also manage to annoy myself reading threads like this. I love reading the posts from all the positive, independent thinking, free-spirited women on here, but then allow the few negative ones, trotting out all the usual ageist, living-for-the-male-gaze women hating bollocks to still bother me.

Shame you can't handle other women having different opinions to you. So some women like to look nice, and yeah, attractive to men. So what? Why does it bother you? You sound a bit jealous and threatened to me. That goes for a few others on here.

And women who make an effort with their appearance and/or like to look nice to attract men, are not independent, free-thinking, intelligent, free spirited women??? What utter rot. So are women supposed to look like grey haired, frizzy haired, scruffy scarecrows dressed in sackcloths, walking round in slippers, if they want to be thought of as intelligent and free-spirited??? FFS! I have read some tripe on here, but that is right up there with the best! And you have the bloody nerve to accuse others of being judgemental and women-hating, , and ageist etc. Do jog on luv!

I don't know WHY some women on here have such a huge problem with other women making an effort with their looks, dying their hair, wearing make up, shaving their pubes, or leg hair or armpit hair. So much hate for women who want to look good (from SOME posters on here...) Maybe you should ask yourself why you're so bothered by it.

There are some hilarious, yet disturbing double standards on this forum, AND this thread. Posters accusing other posters (like me) of judging women for having grey hair (at only 30-45 y.o,) and yet slating other women for wanting to dye THEIR hair, and wanting to make an effort with their appearance. And shocker, even wanting to look attractive to men.

As I said, I have no idea why other women wanting to look nice bothers some women so much. And I can only put it down to jealousy, and feeling threatened. They'll deny it of course, but it's obvious from where I'm sitting.