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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to travel this weekend

173 replies

bordellosboheme · 21/06/2019 17:14

Without going into details which be outing, I often have to travel weekends with the kids. Dp is keen as he has made arrangements to meet up with people. However, I'm knackered. It will involve a 5hr trip driving solo with 2 young kids in the car which is taxing as they yell, cry or fight some of this time. I have done quite a bit of this weekend travel but I'm sick of it. This weekend it's the time of the month and I've had punishing week in work with a punishing one to come next week. AIBU to stay put even if DP will be pissed off?? The children want to travel too, but I'm obviously the one driving. Should I stay put?

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 22/06/2019 22:02

Would he want to buy you out of the house? Or would you buy him out then rent it out to avoid selling? Would the job market improve there enough that you might move back to the old house or is it a dead duck really?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/06/2019 22:23

Mostly worked? So how bad were the elements of unreliability and could they be worked on. You have said the children will live in the family house during the summer holidays so he must be trustworthy enough to look after them.

GreenTulips · 22/06/2019 23:39

Unless OP is a teacher

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 23/06/2019 12:00

Yep I'm a teacher in a college and he's a supply teacher.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 23/06/2019 12:01

What does he bring to your life that is good?

fedup21 · 23/06/2019 12:02

Why didn’t he come with you and do supply teaching near to your job?

He sounds like a lazy uncommitted leech!

RosaWaiting · 23/06/2019 12:14

so you can only go back to the house for summer holidays because you, the responsible adult, will be available.

get rid. you will feel SO much better. I know it looks like a legal mountain know, but do your superhero stance and tackle it!

fedup21 · 23/06/2019 12:19

I wonder where you live that you can afford to run two homes plus childcare on one teacher salary, plus a bit of supply?!

Why are you subsidising him?!

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 23/06/2019 12:24

He didn't look after the DC properly?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 24/06/2019 13:47

Whatdoyouknow not to my standard!

OP posts:
ScatteredMama82 · 24/06/2019 14:42

not to my standard That could mean he sent them to McDonalds or Dominos every night, or it could mean they didn't get organic kale smoothies for breakfast daily. Everyone is saying your DP is useless here, but the lack of information means it could be that you haven't been entirely fair on him. You've dragged the kids with you to a new place, basically told their father he can't be trusted to look after them. Perhaps this is why he is not so willing to say 'how high?' when you say 'jump'?

Just a thought...

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 24/06/2019 15:16

I haven't asked him to jump through have I. Odd post!Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 24/06/2019 15:18

I won't go into outing details of how he looks after them, let's just say his safety standards are (way) lower than mine. Perhaps I'm overprotective or perhaps he's too lax. It's all subjective isnt it.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 24/06/2019 17:01

This is an anonymous forum. Unless the lax standards involved something seriously unusual like his underwater trapeze artiste hobby then it won't be outing. It could be anyone.

I think your coyness is because you know we will all be shouting at you to LTB if you tell the truth.

If you can't even tell the truth to people who have no clue who you are and who will be honest with you and with no agenda of their own, then how on earth do you get support in real life?

Is your fear of outing a fear that someone who knows you will guess it is you and realise you are in an awful relationship? And them offering support would be horrifically embarrassing to you?Is that what's going on? You are protecting appearances above all else? Heavily in denial?

AnotherEmma · 24/06/2019 17:11

"let's just say his safety standards are (way) lower than mine. Perhaps I'm overprotective or perhaps he's too lax. It's all subjective isnt it."

Well, there are laws on child abuse and neglect, there is guidance from organisations like the NSPCC, so there are certainly objective measures you can use to determine who is "right" and "wrong" here.

swingofthings · 24/06/2019 17:17

You're a teacher. So didn't need to move so far away to work. Why did you? He might not have your standards, but ultimately you are depriving your children from seeing their father regularly.

AnotherEmma · 24/06/2019 17:24

swing
From an earlier post by the OP:
"Dp can't get steady work. My job got reduced in hrs, so I had to move towards better opportunities as im the breadwinner!"

PippiDeLena · 24/06/2019 17:48

Expressedways

So you work full time, had to relocate for work and during the week are basically a single parent. Yet you support him living in a big house by himself, pay for everything and drive for hours to deliver his children to him on weekends. He’s not in steady employment yet still refuses to live with his family and to top it off he’s so feckless you can’t even trust him to turn up to the kid’s sports day. I’ve read some stuff on here but this one really takes the biscuit. Seriously WTAF.

Agree ^^

This is the craziest thing I've ever read. Dump him and, with the money you save from running two houses, employ a nanny. Your life will be a thousand times easier for it.

I was going to say it's a good thing that you didn't leave the DC with him as SAHP because then when you split up he'd get to stay in the house, you'd have to pay him maintenance and he'd have custody, but you're doing all that now, plus 100% of the child rearing, so you'd actually be better off. Confused

TowelNumber42 · 24/06/2019 18:21

Is he going to do the required childcare this week? Was he nice to you and the children at the weekend? Did you have a talk about not driving back to him every weekend? Are you back in the weekday house now?

fedup21 · 24/06/2019 20:13

If you split up, you’ll only have to pay the bills for one house. It’s a no brainer!

MitziK · 24/06/2019 21:35

He can't get work as a qualified teacher? Not even as a TA or Cover Supervisor?

Fuck me, he must be shit.

Was he 'encouraged' to resign before being put on Capability, by any chance? Possibly for safeguarding issues?

Sounds like you need to adopt a similar hardline approach with him. As it is, he sounds borderline controlling/abusive with what you've described about refusing to move, blocking your number, etc. Your union membership should have provision for legal advice not relating to your employment. Have a look - see whether they can help eject a cocklodger who poses a safeguarding risk to his own children.

ScatteredMama82 · 25/06/2019 11:34

@bordellosboheme it's not an odd post. It's just one that is reading between the lines more than others. What you have said so far all seems very one-sided (and the level of detail is outing, so I don't see the point of refusing to say what he's done that is so wrong). You won't tell us why you felt you had to take your children with you, that seems fairly crucial.

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