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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to travel this weekend

173 replies

bordellosboheme · 21/06/2019 17:14

Without going into details which be outing, I often have to travel weekends with the kids. Dp is keen as he has made arrangements to meet up with people. However, I'm knackered. It will involve a 5hr trip driving solo with 2 young kids in the car which is taxing as they yell, cry or fight some of this time. I have done quite a bit of this weekend travel but I'm sick of it. This weekend it's the time of the month and I've had punishing week in work with a punishing one to come next week. AIBU to stay put even if DP will be pissed off?? The children want to travel too, but I'm obviously the one driving. Should I stay put?

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 20:35

I guess OP is driving back to him now to apologise for not being submissive enough, in the hope that he won't sabotage her work next week. After all she can't risk her work seeing as she has huge expenses, what with paying for his big house, his bills, his many nights out with mates. Being a sugar-momma don't come cheap.

PeoniesarePink · 21/06/2019 20:40

Oh, can anyone else hear the Cocklodger klaxon going off........

Sort your life out OP. And lose the dead weight.

BlueSkiesLies · 21/06/2019 20:51

The scenario.....I'm a modern day commuting mum. The kids are with me in the week, go to school near my work and we commute home to dp most weekends and holidays. However I'm rapidly burning out and it's not a sustainable scenario. Dp won't move, so that's not an option

That is crazy.

Surely you would at least split the weekends?????

Purpleartichoke · 21/06/2019 20:51

You can’t keep up that schedule. I would stay home.

I was expecting to read that he has some great job that he shouldn’t have to leave. Instead, He isn’t even working consistently??? Once you get a chance to rest by not traveling for at least a weekend or two, the two of you need to have some very big conversations.

KatharinaRosalie · 21/06/2019 20:58

But that's crazy. So you and kids spend 5/7th of the week in a 'crashpad' while he lives in a big house like a single guy, funded by you? Unless your job is temporary and you're moving back soon, sell the house and make a new family home where you and DC actually live. He can join. Or not.

Lifeover · 21/06/2019 21:03

This is not sustainable, he needs to move closer so you can both stay in the family home whilst you work, it’s not really fair on the kids either. Bonkers

NerrSnerr · 21/06/2019 21:05

This is utterly bonkers. If the relationship is worth keeping you need to be living together or at least the children need to be living in their own house all the time with the parent working away coming back at weekends.

BlueSkiesLies · 21/06/2019 21:07

I’m constantly amazed the shit women put up with for looser men.

I think I should get myself a wife.

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 21/06/2019 21:12

What an insane situation. It's not sustainable for you or the kids - what about seeing their friends at weekends? Birthday parties? When do you get a rest? Your 'D'P needs to stop being a dick and sort his act out.

TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 21:15

Get rid of the house in the lovely place with no jobs. Sell it to DP if he wants it that much. Get a better home in the place with the jobs. Get yourself an au-pair to help out with the kids now you can afford it having dropped all those extra wasted costs. Children see their dad every other weekend and longer spells in the school holidays. Make sure he starts paying child maintenance to you instead of you paying boyfriend maintenance to him. He can sort out his own house/flat according to how much he can afford and what's most important to him, you don't have to be involved in that, he's a grown man he can work it out.

Beesandcheese · 21/06/2019 21:21

OP. That scenario is madness. You do deserve a partner who believes in supporting you.

But in terms of taking a break you are entirely reasonable. He is massively childish if he's not answering his phone to you. This is important. Text him that you are too worn out to travel. Get comfy and rested this evening. Longer term he needs to be prepared to compromise his curiously irresponsible life. Is he I'll in someway or has a disability at all that makes all this more challenging than what seems the obvious? To me it seems obvious he needs to move to you, be with his family.

Barbarafromblackpool · 21/06/2019 21:43

Rent put your house?

Barbarafromblackpool · 21/06/2019 21:43

*Out

And he move with you?

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 21/06/2019 22:14

Great. He's blocked me on his phone like a big baby because I've scuppered his plans.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 21/06/2019 22:21

As well as working FT, do you have the kids all week as well (doing nursery/school drop offs and pick ups)?

What does he do? If you are doing everything is he even useful?

MitziK · 21/06/2019 22:21

Well, a solicitor's letter would get through...

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 21/06/2019 22:22

Youthecat. Yes I do all that. I'm living a life of quiet desperation tbh.

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 21/06/2019 22:26

What is stopping you from getting rid of him OP? Other than him providing occasional childcare. It would be a lot cheaper to get rid of him completely and pay a childminder, or even get an aupair. That way you only pay for one house and aren't schlepping yourself and your children about 5 hours in the car every weekend because he's too lazy to come to you. And he won't move. And he rarely works. And now he ignores you. He doesn't care about you, he just cares about himself. I know you may not feel up to it right now but you really need to get rid of this dead weight.

PeoniesarePink · 21/06/2019 22:36

I’m constantly amazed the shit women put up with for loser men

^^^ This. With bells on.

YouTheCat · 21/06/2019 22:52

So lose the house. Lose the bloke. You still do it all but it's on your terms which is much easier.

YouTheCat · 21/06/2019 22:53

And if we had a 'like' button I'd be pressing it on HundredMilesAnHour's post.

Likeazombi · 21/06/2019 23:02

If the wages are so much better where you are that you can afford to run a whole other house and still be better off, he needs to move there and find a full time job.
Or better yet, get rid, use the money you save by only running one household, to pay for an au pair and don't rely on the deadbeat to look after his own kids seeing as that's too much for him.
This situation is absolute madness.
Yanbu to take the rest you need and not travel this weekend.
He's got it bloody made, and you're paying for it in every way.
You know this needs to end one way or the other.

Soubriquet · 21/06/2019 23:03

He isn’t a dear anything really is he?

All he cares is about his own way of life

He won’t move to you cos he’s a “home body”

Well why should he really? He gets a house to himself, no “nagging” wife, no screaming kids and then has the benefit of the dutiful wife bringing the children to see him as and when he wishes.

He has the house paid for, he can stay at home all day if he wishes and no one can do sweet fuck all about it.

YOU can. You aren’t a doormat. Stop letting him walk over you

Honestly, what IS he bringing into your life apart from stress?

Bullet point it.

Make yourself a positive and negative column. Bet the negative is hell a lot longer than the positive

Sciurus83 · 21/06/2019 23:04

This is bonkers! What exactly does he contribute here? Sell that house and get a nice new one you can all live in at the place where the majority of the family need to be. And hanging up, how ridiculous, he must think he can get away with anything with you! What a bell end, stop this madness!

Nogoodusername · 21/06/2019 23:16

Utterly crazy. Can’t understand how your DH justified not moving with you when he only works sporadically and the children moved with you? I could understand you commuting and coming back at weekends if the kids had stayed with your DH (as the non-working parent, makes a whole lot of sense for him to be doing childcare while you worked away), but not if the kids moved with you.

Honestly, tell him to get a full time job so you can move back (but would you even want to now your kids have moved school), or all move together to be a family and so he can do the after school childcare while you work FT

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