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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to travel this weekend

173 replies

bordellosboheme · 21/06/2019 17:14

Without going into details which be outing, I often have to travel weekends with the kids. Dp is keen as he has made arrangements to meet up with people. However, I'm knackered. It will involve a 5hr trip driving solo with 2 young kids in the car which is taxing as they yell, cry or fight some of this time. I have done quite a bit of this weekend travel but I'm sick of it. This weekend it's the time of the month and I've had punishing week in work with a punishing one to come next week. AIBU to stay put even if DP will be pissed off?? The children want to travel too, but I'm obviously the one driving. Should I stay put?

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 21/06/2019 23:23

I think this relationship is screwed isn't it?

Don't go 'home', solicitor up, sort out money and access to the kids. You will all be happier

Jaffacakebeast · 21/06/2019 23:25

Mind blown

AuntMarch · 21/06/2019 23:34

What is the point of him??

Barbarafromblackpool · 22/06/2019 08:11

Never heard anything like this. He's got the life of a king.

Passthecherrycoke · 22/06/2019 08:17

Poor OP. I’m sure she doesn’t need to hear what an arse he is from MN, she’s living it. It’s not like she can force him to be responsible.

OP YANBU to not want to travel. The only thing I’d say is, if you go home and the children have plans would that not give you some much. Needed time to relax? At your weekday house they’re going to be under your feet and fed up aren’t they?

fedup21 · 22/06/2019 08:19

He's a home body and is rubbish at new places.Yes we're paying for 2 homes.

But why?

At the point where you go the job and decided to get a house and school nearby and DH refused to come as he was a ‘homebody’-I don’t really get why you didn’t split up then?

Why was your response-‘ok, that’s fine-don’t bother moving with us, I’ll just carry on paying for you to stay in this house whilst me and the kids all move.’

???

AnotherEmma · 22/06/2019 08:20

He's an arse and you're a mug.
You're financially supporting two households, doing the vast majority of the childcare, and running yourself ragged with driving every weekend.
To please a selfish man who barely contributes financially or practically, sulks and blocks you when he doesn't like something, and doesn't seem to care about your needs (and probably not about the children's needs either - what about their right to down time and socialising at home - and I mean their actual home where they go to school, not the "family home" which is just your partner's home).

I suggest couples counselling and/or an ultimatum: he moves to join you all, or you split (in which case he buys you out or sells the house and starts supporting himself financially).

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 22/06/2019 08:28

Well my vested interest in paying for the house he's in is I love it. It is gorgeous and a lot of house for the money which I wouldn't get in the place we are now. But I'm in a catch 22. In a way I have LTB haven't I. Just not finished the job....

OP posts:
honeygirlz · 22/06/2019 08:32

Finish it OP. The longer you leave it the more he's entitled to a bigger slice.

KatharinaRosalie · 22/06/2019 08:33

Rent the house out then until you have a chance to find a job locally and move back in. Do you have at least a chance to relax and rest when there, or do you have to start doing housework in a house where you don't even live?

MarthasGinYard · 22/06/2019 08:33

'Finish it OP. The longer you leave it the more he's entitled to a bigger slice.'

Quite

Don't know how you do it TBH

Bloody knackering by the sound of it

DonkeyHohtay · 22/06/2019 08:34

This is the bat shit craziest thing I have read in a long time.

OP, you have moved on. Your life is in your new place, with the new job and the kids' school. it''s not that he CAN'T move, it's that he WON'T.

I am never the first to shout about leaving a relationship but really, you and the kids deserve better.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/06/2019 08:37

He is obviously being totally unreasonable and very selfish.

Eustasiavye · 22/06/2019 08:39

If this was the other way round people would be saying the wife should move due to the husbands career.
I think your dp should move to facilitate your career.
Don't drive if it's too much.
He needs to grow up.
He can drive and pick you all up otherwise sell the old house and buy a better one nearer to your place of w ork.

jaseyraex · 22/06/2019 08:49

This sounds absolutely exhausting and I'm not surprised you're reaching breaking point! So your DP doesn't really work but won't move, he's making you do all the travelling, not making efforts to see his own children, blocking your calls, letting you down when you need him. What does he actually bring to the family, OP? He doesn't sound like a great partner or a great dad. You might love your other house but I think you need to be more realistic. Where you are now is where your job is, where your children go to school. I'd look at what you could get more permanently for you and the kids where you are now, and sell the other house. DP either comes to be with you and the kids or he doesn't.

KatharinaRosalie · 22/06/2019 08:50

If this was the other way round

Can you even imagine it the other way around? That the man moves 2.5H away because of work, takes children with him and is in sole charge of them during the week, while the SAHM wife lives alone in their big house?

AnotherEmma · 22/06/2019 08:51

It would never happen!

GreenTulips · 22/06/2019 08:52

Sorry do you own the house
Are you married

Kick him out and rent the house out so at least you aren’t paying twice

stanski · 22/06/2019 09:09

Sounds utterly exhausting and tbh doesn't sound like he brings much to the relationship

harriethoyle · 22/06/2019 09:20

Flowers for you OP Flowers Sounds really tough but I think you know what you need to do. Blocking you and being unreliable about his own children is appalling...

1Wildheartsease · 22/06/2019 09:34

This is not reasonable or normal unless you BOTH are happy with this lifestyle.

Options seem clear
-Separate permanently (sell houses)
-He moves up to live where you can work. (Rent out house and keep it for the future)
-You give up you job and live poor (in all senses)perhaps lose house anyway.

He doesn't sound like much of a DP from the behaviour you describe. (More another child!) You don't leave the children with him- (and he might just fail to look after them this week- out of petulance) so perhaps he isn't a great dad either.

He doesn't seem to care much about your health and happiness. This means that you need to do so.

Wishing you happiness in the future OP. You deserve better.

MrsMozartMkII · 22/06/2019 09:43

Gawd sakes lass.

I worked away a lot. My DH looked after the house, the children, all the animals (far too many of those!). He did all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Yes I did all the bread earning and the long shitty commutes, but we each pulled our weight. If he'd have behaved as your DP does then we wouldn't have lasted a month - I don't have that level of patience for such entitled fuckwittery.

EggysMom · 22/06/2019 09:54

Dp won't move, so that's not an option
Dp can't get steady work
He works sporadically.....
He's a home body and is rubbish at new places

Diddums. The word "cocklodger" was made for somebody like this.

OP, YANBU in not travelling this weekend, so don't feel guilty about it. There's no give and take in your relationship, there's only give from your part, take from his. Start making your own arrangements for childcare, and start having fun with your children and friends locally rather than making plans back at the "family home".

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/06/2019 09:57

I can understand wanting to keep the house you love and needing to move for work.

But why didn't the kids stay with DP, who doesn't really work anyway? He could have done school runs and things, everyone stays in the family area, which I presume is where you want to return to?

If I'm honest, I'd go this weekend because the DC want to see their dad and they've been through enough upheaval and they didn't cause this situation. Then at some point soon, you're going to need to come up with a more permanent solution, because you're going to burn yourselves out here.

fedup21 · 22/06/2019 10:00

I can understand wanting to keep the house you love and needing to move for work. But why didn't the kids stay with DP, who doesn't really work anyway? He could have done school runs and things, everyone stays in the family area, which I presume is where you want to return to?

Exactly.

The minute you moved the kids and enrolled them in a different school, you split up.

Except you are funding a large bachelor pad for your DH to swan around in whilst you work, travel and raise your kids alone!

I just don’t get why you would be such a doormat?

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