Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to travel this weekend

173 replies

bordellosboheme · 21/06/2019 17:14

Without going into details which be outing, I often have to travel weekends with the kids. Dp is keen as he has made arrangements to meet up with people. However, I'm knackered. It will involve a 5hr trip driving solo with 2 young kids in the car which is taxing as they yell, cry or fight some of this time. I have done quite a bit of this weekend travel but I'm sick of it. This weekend it's the time of the month and I've had punishing week in work with a punishing one to come next week. AIBU to stay put even if DP will be pissed off?? The children want to travel too, but I'm obviously the one driving. Should I stay put?

OP posts:
OralBElectricToothbrush · 21/06/2019 18:57

What? Your loser partner chooses not to work so gets to stay in a big house all week doing FA and have his kids brought to him at the weekend and might refuse to parent them if you don't do his bidding? I think I'd tell him to fuck right off with that set up.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/06/2019 18:58

Did he work sporadically because he did most of the SAHPing?

SpaceCadet4000 · 21/06/2019 18:59

This whole situation sounds unreasonable, I'm not surprised you don't want to go!

Why won't your DP move? And how did he react when you took the job?

bridgetreilly · 21/06/2019 19:00

This is just not a sustainable arrangement. It's not fair for you, it's not fair for the kids, and in some ways it's not fair for him either (though I think he has the best of a bad job). Either you have to move or he does. You can't split family life between two houses 2.5 hours apart.

TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 19:00

Who owns which properties?

fedup21 · 21/06/2019 19:01

Dp can't get steady work. My job got reduced in hrs, so I had to move towards better opportunities

Too many questions here, Op-can you answer some?

Why didn’t he move with you?
Why can’t he work sporadically where you all live?
Are you paying for two homes?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 21/06/2019 19:01

Yes, some thing has to give and I feel like it's gonna be me.

Just trying to call him to explain I'm knackered and the phone keeps going to busy. Looks like he's pissed off and not answering.... Hes twigged I'm probably not back this weekend. I'm going to have to make back up plans for kids sports day and work next week. I cant trust him to show up.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 21/06/2019 19:03

So he's not really working, but refusing to move where the family lives?Refusing to even come over, but forces you to drive with kids?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 21/06/2019 19:03

Fedup21
He's a home body and is rubbish at new places.
Yes we're paying for 2 homes.

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/06/2019 19:05

The whole set up just seems a bit nuts to me. I couldn't just effectively up sticks from my partner all week. If he only works sporadically and you are the breadwinner I'm baffled that he can't move with you & the kids?! How is your marriage in other ways?

Families usually make sacrifices & compromises to be together & be there for each other and their children.

Your travelling arrangements just sound exhausting, I would expect your DH to come for the weekend, especially if you usually do most of the travel.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/06/2019 19:05

Nb "a home body"? Home is where your family is.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 21/06/2019 19:05

No, you are paying for two houses to enable him to doss. And you can't trust him to bother his lazy arse to show up for his kids' sports day? He's not a partner. More like a leech.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/06/2019 19:07

Your DH isn't sounding fab here, what does he bring/contribute to your family life?

We are only 3 pages into a thread and a tiny tiny voice in my ear is whispering "LTB".

caughtinanet · 21/06/2019 19:09

Why can't he work sporadically where your job is and rent out your current home.

He sounds like a petulant child.

MakeLemonade · 21/06/2019 19:10

I think you have a DP problem more than anything else. He sounds like a total deadbeat.

TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 19:14

You are not married, right?

Is the house he lives in owned by him?

Is the house you and the children live in a rental in your name?

OccidentalPurist · 21/06/2019 19:15

If you're the main breadwinner OP, then can't your DP be a stay at home dad and have the DCs living with him in the family home during the week, and you see them at weekends?

I really think your current set up is completely unsustainable for you (and probably your DCs). Also, your DP sounds incredibly unreasonable - I'm wondering how your relationship works.

Feeling huge sympathy for you actually Thanks

ThatLightIsBright · 21/06/2019 19:20

I don’t know why people are being so hard on you. You sound like you are juggling a lot, doing all the childcare, whilst financially supporting your family almost single handily. Your DP should be moving to be with you and the children. You are the breadwinner, and the sole parent. He is barely working, so why on earth is he living elsewhere and not supporting you and the kids in other ways. And then to expect you to travel 5 hours at the weekend. He just sounds self absorbed. What about his responsibilities?

Expressedways · 21/06/2019 19:24

So you work full time, had to relocate for work and during the week are basically a single parent. Yet you support him living in a big house by himself, pay for everything and drive for hours to deliver his children to him on weekends. He’s not in steady employment yet still refuses to live with his family and to top it off he’s so feckless you can’t even trust him to turn up to the kid’s sports day. I’ve read some stuff on here but this one really takes the biscuit. Seriously WTAF.

TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 19:29

Am I right in thinking you moving out is step one in breaking up? Maybe it was supposed to shock him into being less of a dick but it didn't work. Time to make the split official I think. Every other weekend is the norm as is him paying his own rent and bills.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 21/06/2019 19:41

Are you having to pay for childcare for the children during the week too?

This set-up is completely nuts, he needs to either relocate, have the children during the week or bloody bloody do one! I can't see what you're getting out of this arrangement at all.

RosaWaiting · 21/06/2019 19:49

You pay for two homes
You’re not married so you won’t have to lose out financially when you get rid.

honeygirlz · 21/06/2019 20:04

OP, so he spat his dummy out because you're exhausted and will now probably sabotage your plans next week.

Why are you with him?

CanuckBC · 21/06/2019 20:06

Who is on the title for the family home? Why do you have to give? You are the bread winner, primary parent, organizer and seems like everything. What do you get out of the relationship from your “d”p??? It seems he gets a pretty free ride, working when he wants, living in a big house that is mostly paid for by someone else, living by himself all week with no extra work of kids, spouse etc.

whittingtonmum · 21/06/2019 20:19

Wow OP. This sounds like a really tough arrangement for you. This is clearly not sustainable and you need to make some changes in order not to burn out - if you don't want to do it for yourself do it for the kids. You having a nervous breakdown is not going to help anyone - not even your DP. If he loves you he needs to help making the situation more manageable for you. If he refuses - get rid. I can't imagine that I would put my partner through something like you are going through...