Adopted Twins became pregnant then gave babies back! Daily Mail

[dottiedodah]

Reading unusual story in todays Daily Mail.A couple who struggled to conceive adopted twin boys .The Adopted Mum felt she couldnt bond with them very well and also felt unwell .To her surprise she found out she was pregnant!.Felt terribly guilty she couldnt bond properly and spoke to the social workers about returning them ,they went back to care after just a couple of nights !.Feels guilty obviously ,but also just couldnt do it!(husband bonded well ) thinks its possibly due to her Hormones?Aapparently may not have been able to keep them long term as issue meaning they may need to be OC anyway!.Felt sorry for her and the babies TBH what does anyone else think?

This story reminded me of Tristan [[https://www.independent.ie/life/family/mothers-babies/the-curious-case-of-tristan-dowse-26512267.html Douse]]. Really sad.

She did right. (Apart from the book bit and it sounds like this is just the angle the DM have chosen.)

I adopted 2 and it damn near wrecked me. 9 months in I was just about starting to get my head above water - throwing another DC in the mix would have been the undoing of us all.

We were required to commit to using contraception during assessment and post-placement. Obviously they can’t police this. 👮‍♂️

I too think those kids dodged a bullet.
Adopted parents need to be selfless, far more than other parents. Not writing books and gaining publicity.
Just my opinion as an adoptee.

It’s nothing like the Tristan story Eleanor. The twins had t been adopted, parental responsibility still rested with the local authority. You’re not even allowed to apply to adopt until child has lived with you ten weeks.

From what I can tell so far, no one condemning her has actually read her own words

There are lots of her own words in the form of quotes in the Daily Mail article.

It certainly isn't worth buying the book, it's morally distasteful to write about these two boys who may recognize themselves in the future but also supremely boring- there's only one 'incident' (the handing back' in the whole book and we can read about it in a short article in the Mail. Really not a whole book's worth of contemplation...

*hadn’t been adopted

I agree with PPs I'm not judging her for the decision because it was the right thing for the babies But, writing a book about it is wrong. What is she hoping to get from that? . If she is doing it for money I think we can judge her. If she is doing it to raise the issues faced by adoptive parents and giving the money to a charity to support children in care that may be justified.

I really disagree that it wasnt worth a book.

I read a lot of memoirs when trying to decide between IVF or adoption. One IVF one in particular put me off.

If this woman's story makes just one more infertile parent decide that they really resonate and dont think they can go through with an adoption, before a child is placed, then it has done a hell of a lot of good.

I have seen lots of adoptions break down. It is so sad when it happens after several years. At least this way the babies will have no memory of it. No judgement here. Its just sad.

Very sad. She shouldn’t have written a book, for that I think she is a twat. I mean who wants to read that? Couples that are going though adoption? I don’t think so. Anyone else? Why would you want to read about 2 innocent babies having their young lives made a misery of by adults.

The article says “there were developmental delays and they would need more care than most babies of their age”. Basically the mother found out she was having a healthy baby so she no longer wanted to care for disabled adopted babies.

I don't know whether or not she should have written a book, maybe her motives were good, raising awareness of the problems accompanying adoption which a lot of people are reluctant to discuss or even admit.
Without reading it, I can't tell and I'm not going to get a copy.

Honestly, I feel potential adopters should take children on as foster children with a view to adoption, giving them both time to know if they bond or not (also other people don't have to know all the details), but I understand there is a cooling off period for both adopters and natural parents.

Adoption isn't an easy road so I can't judge the woman but feel so sad for those twins. I hope they are happy now.

I'd not previously read about Tristram Dowse. The problems encountered were made far worse by the way the couple adopted him. They seems to have dealt with some unethical people in the process. My heart goes out to that boy who was seriously messed about but from what I've read, he is OK now. It's a great pity that Tristram and the Dowse's case has been so public by which I mean printing their real names. That was unnecessary and I am certainly no better off for knowing their names.

This thread has given me food for serious thought.

The decision she made was a difficult one and ultimately best given that from her subsequent behaviour she's obviously a bit of an idiot.

The key issue here is her going public with a national newspaper and a book, which is pretty unforgivable and shows awful judgement.

It would be possible for the mother / parent who gave up those twin boys to work out it was her boys she gave up that were then rejected a second time which makes the adoption harder to bare. Think about it, identical twins are quite rare, then they were identified again as twin boys. Then you know their rough age as they were about 8 months when adopted and her kid is now 3 I think. So these boys are now about 4-5.

So if your someone who gave identical twins boys up for adoption 4 or 5 years ago then there a high chance the boys she's referring to are yours.

It is also possible the boys themselves will one day come across this book and article if they ever search for their biological parents.

It shows terrible judgement on her part, on the publisher's part and on the DMs part (the latter I'm not surprised about). There was really no need to give such identifying details away, you didn't have to say twins or even boys, just two very young siblings).

I really hope these boys new parents adore them and feel blessed to have them, and it was all meant to be in the end. And I hope the people involved never come across this story.

givemesteel theres a very good chance the twins weren't given yo for adoption. And I came across a number of young twins in the very short time our Social Worker was trying to match us with a child.

Maybe they've changed the details, so the babies can stay anonymous.

It's a hard one, isn't it? I absolutely judged her when I first read the article. I judge her less if the whole proceeds have been given to charity (though I wonder why this wasn't mentioned in the article, if true? Surely PR would have told them to mention it, as I'm sure it would increase sales massively).

I've done things that I'm massively ashamed of. Massively. But I try not to think of them too much, as they're far too painful. Instead, I vow that I'll be better, live better, do better things and be a better parent.

I can't understand why you'd write a book, and include prominently, such a terrible thing. I understand that it might have been better for the children than to wait. But 24 hours! Surely those kids were worth more than that.

It's so lucky they weren't 1 or 2 years older, where they would have been properly prepared and understood that this was their new home.

Really bloody sad. I'd run a marathon for an adults MH charity (I think that's what a PP said her book was for) - or what I'd personally do is donate 10% of every paycheck I ever got to a child's MH charity, or one especially for children with attachment issues. Even if I was struggling.

I had to give up my cat due to housing problems and pretty significant MH issues. I try not to think about it too much as it plagued me with guilt, but I have a direct debit going out to the rescue they went to every month, and I don't think I'll ever get a pet again. Or if I do, it'll be at least a decade, I'll make sure I'll own my own house and my MH has been stable for years. But if I posted a thread about me having to give my cat up after 24 hours, I would be absolutely persecuted. Especially if they were the main theme in the book I was writing

I can’t imagine after going through the rigours of the adoption process she just thought “oh well having my own now so I’ll just hand these back”. I wonder if she did have unrealistic expectations though about what her feelings for the babies would be like and how they’d develop and once she found out she was pregnant didn’t attempt to work through that.

Adoptions do break down of course and they wouldn’t be the first people this had happened to. I hope the boys are now with their forever family, still together, and doing well.

We were required to commit to using contraception during assessment and post-placement. Obviously they can’t police this interesting is that common practice

The adoption hadn’t been finalised and it’s better to voice the doubts she had early on before the babies had formed a stronger bond, than later when it would have been more damaging for them (the children). By all accounts the twins were later adopted by someone else and are hopefully growing up in a happy and loving home.

I’ll admit I read that article expecting to judge the couple but I didn’t in the end. I just felt bad for everyone involved.

Especially if they were the main theme in the book I was writing

They are not the main theme of the book. I think they have a chapter? The rest of the book focuses on how the author’s mental health went downhill rapidly and she suffered severe postnatal depression.

Yes it is, @greenlloon, to avoid exactly the situation that happened here, where a LA or VA have invested time and resources in finding adoptive parents for a child, a couple who then conceive during the process and throw the process into chaos. Not all couples applying to adopt are infertile either, obviously, and child placements will always want the adopted child to be the youngest in the household, and to be at least two years younger than any other children, as he or she is likely to need more intensive/therapeutic parenting, depending on needs.

Having said that, I have no idea what would happen legally if adoptive parents conceived after matching but before the adoption order, and wanted to continue with the placement. I assume that if they declared it before the matching panel, the placement would not have gone ahead and the child would be placed with different parents.

Basically the mother found out she was having a healthy baby so she no longer wanted to care for disabled adopted babies

Is that what she said in her book? Where did she say it? Or is that you just making your own mind up based on a newspaper article? We can all think what we like but when there's an entire book out there actually telling you what someone thinks, why not read it before you tell people what the mother was thinking. Because, you know what? You haven't actually got a clue what she was thinking and I guarantee you won't try to find out. You'll just spout off on mumsnet instead.

Why would you pay £7.29 to purchase the book when you already know the outline of the story and don't particularly wish to support the author?

If the adoption breakdown isn't one of the main themes of the book the author should have objected to the way the blurb misrepresents her book.

That Dowse case sounds like the man pressured his wife into it.

If the adoption breakdown isn't one of the main themes of the book the author should have objected to the way the blurb misrepresents her book.

I think this is a fair point, there is a poster above who says it is only 1 chapter but the blurb really emphasises this part of the story and it is clear that the PR team are using it as a strong angle.