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Adopted Twins became pregnant then gave babies back! Daily Mail

155 replies

dottiedodah · 21/06/2019 13:39

Reading unusual story in todays Daily Mail.A couple who struggled to conceive adopted twin boys .The Adopted Mum felt she couldnt bond with them very well and also felt unwell .To her surprise she found out she was pregnant!.Felt terribly guilty she couldnt bond properly and spoke to the social workers about returning them ,they went back to care after just a couple of nights !.Feels guilty obviously ,but also just couldnt do it!(husband bonded well ) thinks its possibly due to her Hormones?Aapparently may not have been able to keep them long term as issue meaning they may need to be OC anyway!.Felt sorry for her and the babies TBH what does anyone else think?

OP posts:
Sherkin · 21/06/2019 15:58

Plus these children now have their photos and unfortunate start in life plastered all over the media.

I would be very surprised if there are photos of the boys in the press, given how careful adoptive parents generally are with social media, and as, obviously. their names have not been given, I really don't see that they are in any way identifiable.

Earlywalker · 21/06/2019 15:59

I don’t blame her for what she did, although I think she went into the process hoping she’d get pregnant. However the whole media and ‘I hope they come to the door’ is so incredibly selfish. Those boys may have had a lifetime of experiences like what she’s put them through and she wants them to come and say hi to her and her perfect family? This is for her, not them.

Kahlua4me · 21/06/2019 16:00

I can understand why she made the decision she did, and do think it was the right one. Even without her pregnancy she was struggling to bond which would have made it tough on the twins and with her pregnancy she would certainly have found it too difficult o manage all three together.

What I don’t understand is why she chose to write a book about it and be interviewed by the paper. Poor children.

AgentProvocateur · 21/06/2019 16:02

Truthfully? I think it’s disgusting that she’s written a book to make money from it. Some people have no shame.

wictional · 21/06/2019 16:03

I’ve read the book.

She wrote it to raise awareness of OCD and depression, and all profits go to a mental health charity.

71wheretogo · 21/06/2019 16:03

I thought she was more interested in the (thousand pound) buggy than the children. They were just accessories for the buggy, and then when a better accessory came along, she ditched them.

TwoPupsAndaHamster · 21/06/2019 16:08

I would be very surprised if there are photos of the boys in the press, given how careful adoptive parents generally are with social media, and as, obviously. their names have not been given, I really don't see that they are in any way identifiable

You are aware that the adoptive parents will have been given the full facts of the children do you? Also the boys will have a life story book from the moment they were born, until adoption and beyond. They will know all their story. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Now she has gone running to the media you can bet your bottom dollar they will be digging

redspider1 · 21/06/2019 16:09

Better that the babies are with people who really want them. At least she didn't keep then too long, bond with them, then change her mind.

Pikapikachooo · 21/06/2019 16:12

Better for the babies and hope they are together Sad

Just hope the next family really want them

Feel bad for the SW who will have put boood sweat and tears into it too

babbi · 21/06/2019 16:14

My friend starting trying for a baby just after her wedding at 22 . Nothing happened.
Eventually in her forties she and her husband decided to apply to adopt .
Lengthy process and they expected to be turned down due to their age .
They were accepted and moved to the stage of awaiting a match .
She fell pregnant at 45 and gave birth to her son at 46 .
No way did she or anyone ever expect that .
They were so grateful that they hadn’t had a match prior to this news as they had no idea what would happen if they had already been ready to take a child .
The adoption team were fantastic with her and so kind and said it happens quite regularly- against all previous odds - a miracle pregnancy.

These situations can be so challenging..

codemonkey · 21/06/2019 16:14

Thanks @wictional

Has anyone who's condemning her read the book?

SnuggyBuggy · 21/06/2019 16:15

Failed adoption is something that needs to be talked about more, especially with people telling others to "just adopt" or going on about how adopting should be quicker and easier.

Valanice1989 · 21/06/2019 16:16

I don't judge her for not going through with the adoption, although I do feel sorry for the twins. What I judge is her decision to profit from the experience by writing a book. The part about wanting the twins to come to find her one day makes her sound narcissistic. She's nothing to them, and they won't remember her. There will be school teachers they spent more time with than her - how many people track down their old teachers?

The only reason they would go to see her would be to ask why she gave them away. How does she think they would feel seeing the child she "swapped" (not literally, but you know what I mean) them for? If they got angry, would she be patient and apologetic, or would she tell them to leave? I doubt that's part of her "greatest wish". I think she's imagining a scenario where the twins come to visit her, reassure her that they understand her choice, tell her that they have a happy life now, and remove any residual guilt she feels. It's self-indulgent. Her "greatest wish" should be for the twins to find such a happy, secure home that they never even think about the fact that their case notes record an early adoption breakdown.

weAllSingAlongLikeBefore · 21/06/2019 16:17

I’ve read the book.
She wrote it to raise awareness of OCD and depression, and all profits go to a mental health charity

I can see you are committed to defending her and I'm sure elements of her story will help others. It doesn't negate what she did though and she has chosen to use the controversy in her book to publicise it. Her choice but she will have been prepared for backlash. Christ, as a woman who went through the adoption process she will know what the public's reaction will be.

I'm sure she is an intelligent women who would realise how many would feel.

PCohle · 21/06/2019 16:17

all profits go to a mental health charity

Can you point me in the direction of which mental health charity that is please? I've had a look on the publisher's website, the authors twitter and the book's amazon page and there's no indication that the profits are going to charity.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 21/06/2019 16:18

Has anyone who's condemning her read the book?

Why would I need to read the book before condemning her. No matter how little it is claimed she mentions those 2 boys the fact remains it wasn't fair or moral of her to tell part of their story. If she honestly wanted to raise awareness of Postnatal depression and her struggles after birth she could just have easily written the book without including them.

The cynic in me concludes she no doubt felt that including the part about returning adopted twins would give her story more melodrama.

SerenDippitty · 21/06/2019 16:19

Adopters are asked to be 100% with contraception precisely so that this doesn't happen -- but as a PP said, one does wonder about the diagnosis of infertility, given that they now appear to have conceived naturally twice...?

Depends on the exact diagnosis, whether the doctors actually knew what was wrong. There would have to be something pretty obviously wrong for doctors to say there was absolutely no chance of natural conception. In cases of unexplained infertility doctors will never say this.

Nearlythere1 · 21/06/2019 16:20

It seemed to me she was so obsessed with her fancy pram that she never actually prepared herself for reality.

wictional · 21/06/2019 16:20

Can you point me in the direction of which mental health charity that is please

The book states “Shaw Mind foundation”.

Sherkin · 21/06/2019 16:21

You are aware that the adoptive parents will have been given the full facts of the children do you? Also the boys will have a life story book from the moment they were born, until adoption and beyond. They will know all their story. The good, the bad and the ugly.

What point are you making? They would have known all about the circumstances of their adoption from life story work whether or not the woman who almost adopted them wrote a book. She's a tiny blip in their story, and there's a very good reason why she and her husband didn't end up adopting them. Far more difficult in their life story work as they grow up is likely to be dealing with the circumstances which led to them not growing up with their birth parents.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 21/06/2019 16:23

Failed adoptions definitely need to be discussed more. Many of the children have special needs (a BBC report from a couple of days ago focused on FAS and that it's estimated a quarter of all children in care have FAS) and with budgets for support for children with special needs is being cut further and further it's bound to wind up with more failures and more children in care.

codemonkey · 21/06/2019 16:24

Failed adoption is something that needs to be talked about more, especially with people telling others to "just adopt" or going on about how adopting should be quicker and easier.

I really agree with this. Pregnancy for me was a much needed time to adapt to the reality of having a child. (Obviously some find out when they're actually giving birth but it's not usual Grin). I think being told 'yes, you've been accepted as adopters and ta-dah! here's your child!' would be a massive head-fuck.

Making it all quick and easy won't help make an adoption successful, although I do understand why people worry about the children and think that finding somewhere quickly is in their interest.

Sherkin · 21/06/2019 16:26

It seemed to me she was so obsessed with her fancy pram that she never actually prepared herself for reality.

Anyone who has gone through the searching and intrusive vetting process of being approved to adopt has more than 'prepared themselves for reality' -- far more than virtually any birth parent. Hmm

What birth parent has their suitability intensively checked out, including their finances, relationship, support network, their own childhood and their response to it, including asking for references, and is asked precisely what type of additional needs/disabilities etc they are prepared to deal with?

I think it's highly unlikely this woman swanned thoughtlessly into adoptive parenthood.

Sherkin · 21/06/2019 16:27

I think being told 'yes, you've been accepted as adopters and ta-dah! here's your child!' would be a massive head-fuck.

You get that this not is not actually how it happens? It takes on average far longer to adopt a baby than it does to gestate one, and you spend large parts of that time being quizzed for your suitability.

AnybodysDude · 21/06/2019 16:28

I nearly gave my adopted son back a week after he was placed with us because I was struggling so much. I would have been struggling a hell of a lot more if there were two children and I had just found out I was pregnant.

I'm not judging at all. And good for her for writing a book about her struggle to motherhood. If you dont want to read it then dont, but she hasn't named the twins or shared photos of them, they are not identifiable, and they will now be happily settled with a family who adore them. Everyone wins.

My son, for what it's worth, was "given back" on the day he was supposed to move in with a family (in fact they just changed their minds and didn't turn up to collect him). Its nothing more than a blip in his history, they very quickly found us for him and he was none the wiser. It's really not that bad and for those saying it isn't her story to tell, it absolutely is.