In Laws... at boiling point

[Jen8888]

IL's have DS one day a week while I'm at work.
My mum also has him another day, and my grandma the third day.

My mum and grandma couldn't be more generous, and have nappies, wipes, toys, books, his favourite foods etc all ready for him and so it really is a home from home and taking the pressure off me to have a bag/packed lunch etc each day.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).

They live 45-60 mins away and I'm fed up of driving frozen fish fingers up the motorway and having the added pressure of this especially I'm returning to work FT in a month.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me 

I definitely don't think most grandparents want to be committed to providing a days childcare a week. Most want to come and see the grandkids with their parents there too so they can hand them back when they need their nappy changing or are cranky.

Having a commitment once a week means you're not free to do something else that day or just rest if you're tired and it's hard work looking after a child that isn't your own especially when you haven't done it for years.

Poor kid, shuttled from pillar to post. Different sets of rules at each.

I presume the grandparents want to look after their dgc so therefore buying milk and providing meals shouldn't be that much of a stretch.

I presume OP wanted to have a child so therefore should be buying milk and providing meals for their child themselves shouldn't be too much of a stretch.

How is the childcare free? Other than the grandparents looking after the child, what part is free?

I think yabu about the wipes etc. I know mine goes childminder but I send a big bag of nappies and wipes as needed. It literally is a two second job.

The food thing is slightly odd. I don’t get how they don’t have a little food in that would be suitable? Or you ask them to grab x amount when they do their regular shop to save it going off and you’ll transfer the money?
I just think free child care isn’t something to turn your nose up at- but I wouldn’t be traveling as long as you do for it

You’re being a CF

You get all sorts, my sil would have absolutely exploded with rage had my mother dared to feed her first child with anything she hadn't supplied, she was constantly double checking bins etc to make sure my mother only fed her ds what she brought. To be fair my mum was a bit casual, sort of -if you don't have Weetabix, then coco pops, its all cereal, never mind about sugar, etc,

As for milk if she didn't take it away with her at end of day she didn't trust my mum not to produce the week old milk , not my mum at all she'd just use what was there, didn't get the wish dgc has to have different milk so sil knows exactly how much he has had. Any dirty clothes my mum washed had to be redone in case my mum didn't use the prescribed detergent, or even worse had hung them on the line like she did one time, allowing pollen to get near them. My mum had nappies wipes etc had left at her home -this child was 4th grandchild but horror of horror she once couldn't be bothered to get nappy bag when changing little fella, and used a wrong size or brand nappy cant recall now, but all hell broke loose. Any new toys books bought by my parents had to be taken home to her house to be properly sterilized.

All the brands of nappies etc used by sil were what her mother said were the right ones, if my mother suggested something new ie an alternative to calpol she was told no, so she's direct opposite to op wants to be in charge of what products used on her child's skin and what he consumed, then my sis had child 2 and all changed but to this day when sil in my parents house they don't so much as supply a tissue for the kids. My dad really spoils all the kids if he's shopping he knows what they all like and gets them something, except for those two he doesn't dare.

Why wouldn't you provide all that you've listed anyway?

Do they look after him well?

Does he enjoy his time with them?

If so, I wouldn't stop it just because they don't do things the same way as your mum & GM.

If the driving is too much though, that's surely a reason to stop or get your husband to share/take over?

You're so lucky to have 3 people willing to provide free childcare.

Both my DC's went to full time private nursery from a very young age and we had no help at all.

If it doesn't suit you just make alternative arrangements.

Where’d OP go

YABVU and a CF to boot!

If they bought food & wipes etc for only day per week they would spoil by the next week.

YABU

Nappies, wipes and baby food is expensive;
Looking after a toddler one day a week every week isn’t fun it is hard work when it isn’t yours. Fun is having the grandchild visit for a few hours and then handing it back not all day. You are a CF and spoilt. You had the child. You sound the money on it.

Buying nappies and wipes yes. Buying milk and ordinary pint of milk utterly ludicrous. I think the question needs to be how well do they look after him. Does he enjoy spending time there? If so then suck it up. If not then use a nursery that is nearer and more convenient.

Yes I also had a childminder I paid £70 per day to and had to provide everything on top

OP I can see the difficulty distance wise and when you re back at work his could become totally impractical. But I have to provide nappies and wipes at nursery so this is no different to taking them to your in laws house. Could you put everything in the boot of your car at the beginning of each week obviously not food and that way it is one less thing to think of. Have a bag of nappies wipes and spare clothes. Then fill a lunch box with snacks and buttys each day to the inlaws it's not that hard surely.

I am surprised at this .
You are complaining about ils who provide free child care for you , albeit 1 day a week.
They are generous doing this and you expect them to provide nappies, wipes and the rest all for free.
You are very privileged that they do what they do for free, I doubt your mum and grandmother have you spoilt.
You should do what most do and have a little rucksack with all his bits and bobs including changes of clothes, and take that with him daily . Top it up at night .
As for the food ask them to buy a few things he likes and give them money for it.
I really am surprised.

I think that the real issue here is that the arrangement is stupid and impractical.

It’s unclear whether you’re doing this because your ILs want to see your son once a week or because you want free childcare (perhaps it’s a combination of both).

Either way, you driving for an hour each way to take your son to them is just ridiculous. Clearly that’s making you resentful and I understand why. Surely an extra day of nursery would be way more cost-effective, once you factor in your time, the cost of the food and the petrol?

Second, I can see why they would expect you to provide nappies and wipes etc. I think not being willing to pay to feed their own grandson is seriously tight, but since that’s the case I don’t understand why you’re transporting food - that’s obviously going to be an annoying extra stress - why can’t they buy it and you cover their costs?

An hour each way travelling is ridiculous. Forget everything else, the travelling is not sustainable

Even if the in laws did it for free I wouldn’t be travelling for 45/60 minutes each way, and especially not when working full time unless of course work was close by.
Driving that distance will be adding more than two hours to your working day and for me that would be a step too far. In your shoes I’d have to think of another alternative which would make life easier for me and if that meant paying for another day at nursery then so be it.

Is there any way you could work your hours over 4 days rather than 5 or reduce down to a 4 day week.

Are you claiming for your 30 hours tax free childcare - if not would that help you in any way

Blimey!

Why don’t you pay £40 a day for nursery. You’ll still have to provide nappies, milk and food on top though!

My mum looked after my kids which was free, I provided everything. It would never have occurred to me not to!

Well the in laws are doing you a huge favour and you're quibbling over the extent of the favour they do you. The vast majority of grandparents I know wouldn't commit to a day a week let alone be expected to provide baby stuff for the parents! It all sounds a bit weird why wouldn't you just put him in nursery an extra day?

I was thinking and I know my mum had everything at hers, but MIL would come to mine, I’d leave for work, then she would take ds to hers when he had breakfast etc.

So I have no idea if she had them at hers or took from mine. Not that it made any difference, because she bought us milk, wipes, nappies, clothes, baby bath, shampoo, etc every week when her and FIL done their weekly shop. (And when pregnant it was also maternity pads, nipples pads, nipple shields, etc- they were so generous and kind).

You don't know how lucky you are. No- one ever bought our DC nappies, milk, wipes etc etc, let alone provide free regular indefinite childcare. You're providing supplies your child needs. As you should.
We spent over £60k on nursery/childminder fees over the years. Driving fish fingers up and down the motorway seems a minor irritation in comparison.