In Laws... at boiling point

[Jen8888]

IL's have DS one day a week while I'm at work.
My mum also has him another day, and my grandma the third day.

My mum and grandma couldn't be more generous, and have nappies, wipes, toys, books, his favourite foods etc all ready for him and so it really is a home from home and taking the pressure off me to have a bag/packed lunch etc each day.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).

They live 45-60 mins away and I'm fed up of driving frozen fish fingers up the motorway and having the added pressure of this especially I'm returning to work FT in a month.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me 

The fact you find them not providing three meals a day along with milk as ludicrous just shows your own entitlement. You are so very rude for assuming they should provide these things free of charge.
You and your partner discuss how underweight he was as a child so firstly you should know not to expect much from them and secondly would you want to risk your son going hungry because you think it is only right for them to provide these things for free?
Your family are very generous but that doesn’t mean all families are the same. You are being ignorant to think people who are frugal to themselves are going to all of a sudden decide to be generous to other people, grandchild or not.
He may be their grandchild but he is your responsibility, not theirs. Be grateful rather than nitpicking. So very selfish.

lots of people want to take advantage of their retirement and not be tied down
Lots of adult children of retirees want to "take advantage" as well if MN is anything to go by.

It worries me how much people on here reference a "sense of entitlement".

I'll remind you this is FEEDING their grandson.

He is 17 months, not 17, he eats like a sparrow.

They OFFERED to have him.

I see it as a favour to them schlepping over there every week to ensure they have a relationship.

The easy option would be an additional day in nursery.

@Sashkin

It's lovely that your mum wants to be so involved. My DC actually have a lovely relationship with all their grandparents even though they don't see them weekly. I think the time they spend with them is special and kind of different to the time they spend with parents because the grandparents are never really telling them "no" or getting them to sit up it's all just listening to their stories and playing games etc.

My friend has parents who are both super involved - always want to help do the DC's birthday parties, come and watch every sports match, take them overnight every month etc and I do feel a bit envious but I'm grateful that my DC have loving grandparents and remind myself how lucky I am in that!

Why should they pay for nappies and wipes etc it's your kid! They are doing you a favour with free childcare!
My IL have never asked me to provide anything but I always send lunch and nappies! Just common decency I'd never expect anyone to buy nappies for my kid!

I think that having 5 different care settings each week would be incredibly unsettling for a child - 1x GP, 1x other GP, 1x GGP, 2x nursery, 2x home to cover a week. Poor kid won't know if they are coming or going. Plus an hour commute each way to get to the ILs as well, let alone the point about them underfeeding their own child. All of it points to being unfair on the child here. I would be looking for a more stable routine than this, regardless of whether they like you to bring nappies and milk with you.

Just go with the easy option and put him in nursery. Your MIL clearly has issues with food and you don't want that to be passed on to your child anyway. It's a no brainer.. nursery!

I'd suck it up if they're having him a whole day for nothing. It doesn't sound so bad.

They sound a little odd but it's your decision to take up their offer of childcare.

Maybe it's the honest truth and they can't get food in for him. Maybe they don't shop often or they have little creativity in regards to thinking up ideas of what children eat, they may be a little stuck in their ways.

But ultimately you need to decide what is best for your son and who is best to provide loving care while you're at work.

Then do the extra day at nursery! He is their GRANDSON not their SON. Take some responsibility. You clearly take advantage of this situation of ‘shlepping’ over there as you have stated you would rather not go at the weekends and it is now closer to your new job. Stop excusing your terrible behaviour 😂

Good grief, who chose to have this child ? The grandparents have no responsibility whatsoever to do or provide anything! Anything they do is a kindness.

I totally get where you're coming from regarding all the stuff you're having to take to them. Nappies, wipes, spare clothes, medication is all par for the course and I would without hesitation send my kids with all of those (and did for the childminder, nursery and inlaws).

I would find packing up toys and every last morsel of food/drink needed really annoying. I would totally understand if they said (maybe via DH) that money was tight, or some other such reason, but I just wouldn't have the time or mental energy to pack up everything like that.

Maybe if DH insists, get him to pack the bag!

I would move to a nursery simply based on your DH's experiences growing up. I was worried about my MIL in a similar way about food issues but MIL has been excellent at ensuring DD doesn't hear anything of her hangups. On top of that, I wouldn't want to be packing up a huge bag to cover every possible eventuality when working FT with a long commute. I'd want my mental load to be as light as possible!

I would move to an extra day in nursery, regardless of any upset. I would be concerned about the excessive travelling, and that the grandparents weren't feeding DS properly/enough. If that means DH has to take DS to the grandparents at the weekend, so be it.

I think you are getting a hard time OP.

Yes they are providing a day of childcare and you should send the nappies etc, but good God, not feeding him?!

Surely they can make him a sandwich for lunch when they have one and give him tea when they do.

That's weird.

If he was a baby eating mushed up food, then it makes sense to provide it, but a 17 month old just eats normal food that you have in anyway!

I would ditch them and if they want to see DS they make the effort

I take it they're not happy for you to leave food, nappies, etc at their house for future use? I think it would be unreasonable to expect them to pay for eveything, but I can see how having to pack everything up at the end of the day everytime, and them asking 'is this mine or yours?' would get annoying after a while. If they won't let you leave stuff/accept money to buy stuff to keep at their's, I would leave it to your DH to pack his bag ready for you to take each time.

I dunno, even if they need the money can't they buy the stuff then ask you to refund it?

But that distance to travel is unreasonable. You've got to balance young child, work, and your home. That much travel on top each week is too much.

Granted I live in the U.S. but when my daughter was in daycare I had to provide everything and 24 years ago I paid $144.00 for 3 days a week. Maybe they think they are doing you a favor.

Oh please, don't try to play the whole "I'm doing it for them" card. You aren't taking him over to develop a strong bond with his grandparents as the weekend you're taking him over for the free childcare when it suits you. Providing everything he needs for the day is the very least you should be doing. If anyone is so kind as to look after my children I provide everything they need plus some extras (cakes of biscuits) as yes my mother had my child several days a week and doing the whole; pram, highchair, nappies, wipes, bibs, food, milk etc every time was a pain but it was MY responsibility. Get a grip it isn't that hard. If you don't like it pay for childcare.

Then take the easy option and solve the whole problem.

You sound delightful. Expecting free childcare and then begrudging the ILs any of your family time to have a relationship.

Put the lid in nursery and then see them at the weekend sometimes as a family, if you really can't bear to give up some of your precious weekend to see them (if they're that bad why on earth will you live DS with them, else so being so precious) DH can do some of the meetups with DS and give you down time.

TBH with your rhino hide on this thread I would imagine that the poor ILs are petrified they'll get stuff wrong so is easier you to provide it all then it can't be wrong.

Also many people offer things they don't expect to be taken up on . . .

I see it as a favour to them schlepping over there every week to ensure they have a relationship.

This is why you are at boiling point. You only see it as you are doing them a favour and don't acknowledge, appreciate or even understand in anyway the bigger favour they are doing you in return.

Then take the “easy option” and stop doing them a favour. I suspect they might be delighted.

Yabu you should provide those things though, even at nursery you would need to provide nappies and wipes . Food and toys would be provided at nursery but then you PAY for that .
I think you've been spoilt with your mum buying nappies etc . I have never in my life expected anyone looking after my dc to buy nappies .
I still make my dc a sandwich and take round to my mil for after school1 day a week she doesn't expect me to but she is doing me a favour looking after my dc after school so it's the least I can do is make my own child a snack so she doesn't have to.

"I see it as a favour to them schlepping over there every week to ensure they have a relationship."

Well then more fool you for ever doing it!

You should have said no from the start.

Doubtless they also think that they are doing you a favour & the least you can do is provide a few bits for your own kid!

I understand they offered and it's their way of seeing DGC.

DM covers Childcare 2 days, she offered, it's her way of seeing DD I still provide everything.