In Laws... at boiling point

[Jen8888]

IL's have DS one day a week while I'm at work.
My mum also has him another day, and my grandma the third day.

My mum and grandma couldn't be more generous, and have nappies, wipes, toys, books, his favourite foods etc all ready for him and so it really is a home from home and taking the pressure off me to have a bag/packed lunch etc each day.

My IL's on the other hand;

• Expect food to be provided; Breakfast, lunch and tea as well as a beaker of full fat milk as they "only drink semi" and got forbid they couldn't buy a pint.
• They expect nappies, wipes, calpol, nappy bags, toys EVERYTHING to be provided.

And remind me when things are running low.

When I'm packing his things up at the end of the day they say things like, "are they yours or mine?" For things like wipes (which I have provided).

They live 45-60 mins away and I'm fed up of driving frozen fish fingers up the motorway and having the added pressure of this especially I'm returning to work FT in a month.

AIBU and what can I do? I'm so nervous about going back to work FT (DS is starting nursery for 2 days) and I feel like the IL's are getting to me 

@teddypasty this rings true.
I think she does, he doesn't - but she cooks and somewhat controls their food, with the same meals on a cycle EVERY WEEK.
Even their snacks are regimental, she has a Jaffa cake after dinner and he has a brunch bar.

AN EFFING BRUNCH BAR!

She's underweight and always comments on her weight.

And yes she always comments about DS food/weight/body in a jokey way despite him being perfectly healthy.

"Look at that big belly" etc or commenting on what I feed him.

They might well be tight. My PIl are tight (similar meal cycles too!) AND didn't have either of our DC regularly. So you're one-up on the likes of me already. Unless the tightness means you're concerned they're not feeding him properly, in which case you'd be stopping their day immediately. Wouldn't you?

She's underweight and always comments on her weight.And yes she always comments about DS food/weight/body in a jokey way despite him being perfectly healthy.
"Look at that big belly" etc or commenting on what I feed him*

This is incredibly dysfunctional. I think a lot of posters have focused on the perceived entitlement of free childcare and missed the biggest issue in this post! I would be putting him in nursery for the extra day. Say the journey is too much. Don't give that day to your parents, it will cause issues.

I think your ILs sound very tight. Who the hell expects to be provided with a slice of bread to make toast for their grandchild

In view of their general meanness, and the fact that your DH wasn’t fed adequately when growing up despite them not having financial difficulties, I would stop taking DS to them and tell them that the cost of petrol is too high ... an excuse they would be sure to understand !

When someone is regularly giving you free childcare, I don't think you can really accuse them of being tight.

The problem is, I'm starting a new job, and although the commute to the IL's is far - it's closer to my new place of work

I think if I ask them outright they may agree nursery is better?! Despite the day of childcare being their idea as they do the same for their other son.

My concern then would lie with DH, he doesn't want his family to be on the outskirts and I wouldn't want the pressure of visiting on the weekend to maintain the relationship.

I wish pps would stop saying 'free childcare ' and 'why should someone else provide those things ' - people we are talking about the child's GRANDPARENTS here...!!!!!?!!!!!!!

@MaybeitsMaybelline How are they extended family?!?!! They're the baby's grandparents!!!!! Ffs!

Erm. Being a brat much OP? They're providing childcare they don't need to provide.

Could you be any more bitter?

@Puzzledandpissedoff Paying them?!? Wtf!!!!!? To look after their own grandson!? Wow just wow I've heard it allll now!

I don't think I'd want someone with food issues taking care of my child. If your iLs are as you say, then that's another reason to look elsewhere.

It's free childcare because if GP don't provide that supervision, it would have to be paid for at many pounds an hour, over a thousand a month, thousands and thousands over the years. Being a GP doesn't mean you immediately want to commit to tying yourself and foregoing days of your free time regularly and indefinitely. My children's GP didn't, they preferrred to do other things. So those that have that bonus are very lucky.
It seems that PIL are 'convenient' anyway, tight or not.

Paying them?!? Wtf!!!!!? To look after their own grandson!?

My fault for putting it badly, Happy ... when asked if OP was paying them anything "for this" I was referring to the various stuff which needs buying rather than their time, but I should have made it clearer

SO you are not happy with the food they eat themselves, not happy with the food they serve you nor the food theybfed your husband as a child but you are also not happy to provide food yourself for your own child? Think your ILs are between a rock and a hard place with you.

@Jen8888 UP in totally with you. Also since your updates, I actually wouldn't have them around DR at all and I'm being deadly serious. They will cause severe, lasting damage

DS*

People will do anything for their child when it is s baby, why not when it has grown up? I am a grandmother who looked after two DGC - born five years apart, so only one at a time. It was to help my daughter keep her job/pension. But l look back on that time as one of the happiest. She brought bag packed with nappies etc like would be taken to nursery and l did take them to nursery some days. I happily bought stuff and a pushchair. A PP said it was not fun to look after grandchildren but I found it was!

I definitely don't think most grandparents want to be committed to providing a days childcare a week. Most want to come and see the grandkids with their parents there too so they can hand them back when they need their nappy changing or are cranky.

That seems sad to me - DM always wanted to spend time with DS. He had a full time nursery place (so no obligation on her part) but she used to pick him up at 10am every Tuesday and look after him until we got home. She loved doing it, always had a new treat for him (picnic in the park, trip to the library, game of football etc).

And it helped your GC father to keep his job/pension too Frankley? After all, raising the child isn't just the mother's responsibility.

That seems sad to me - DM always wanted to spend time with DS.

My DC's grandparents want to spend time with them but not alone for the entire day as a regular commitment. Young kids are tiring when you're getting older and you're not used to them and lots of people want to take advantage of their retirement and not be tied down (couldn't book a spontaneous week a way or agree to a social event happening that day). The role of the grandparent is usually the fun stuff (days out, coming round for visits) without all the hard work (changing nappies, dealing with tantrums, cooking food etc). It's lovely if grandparents are really involved and want to do more but it's definitely not standard or to be expected.

Well the whole set up sounds madness to me, you're driving a ridiculous distance and doing a whole load of faffing about to leave your child in the care of someone you have good reason not to trust with him. Just pay for an extra day of nursery like the rest of us have to! I'd also make extra sure your Grandma and mum are still happy to provide so much free childcare!

Yes, I was pleased to help them both. He is certainly doing his share of parenting. I lived on her way to her work which is why she did that bit

Right.

So 1) it’s convenient for you to have them do childcare one day a week (money, direction they’re in, but having to visit them at weekends) but 2) you don’t want to have any hassle involved at all?

It’s NBU to wonder five they could be a bit more flexible. But quite honestly you’re not sounding too flexible yourself...

This situation isn't working so let superfamily take the extra day.
Everyone happy.

Jellybeans My DM’s view was that he wouldn’t know who she was/have the close relationship with him that would make him want to go on days out with her, if she didn’t see him regularly from a young age.

When I was a child we lived a long way from my DGM, and I had zero relationship with her as a result - she was just a duty visit twice a year. I think DM saw that and was trying to avoid it for herself (she lives about an hour’s train ride away from us, even longer drive). Different if you live next door and can just pop round.

We do visit her too (when I was on maternity leave we used to do alternate week her coming to me and me going to her). But when DH and I are both working full time it isn’t really possible for us to do that every week. We leave the house at 7:30am and get back at 6:30pm. So it made more sense for her to come to us. Like I say, there was a nursery place already paid for if she ever wanted to cancel, but she enjoyed it and he absolutely adores her.

DFIL never made the effort (I’ve posted about this before, he’s seen DS less than ten times in his whole life despite living 30mins away), and as a result there is very little relationship there.