Is having an only child selfish?

[whothedaddy]

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

I have fond memories of growing up with my brother, playing together etc. But we don't talk now. I only see him at big family occasions like weddings. Occasionally I text him but he never replies. He is incredibly selfish, a twat and uses my parents when he needs money. My mum was upset he forgot her birthday this year and I realised it was because I hadn't text my brother to remind him like I usually do. I can't see he'll do anything in their old age, despite living closer than me. However he visits my aunt & uncle regularly, and is generally nostalgic if you do see him. He seems popular in the general family as is a joker/ social drinker.

Also my neighbour has a very large age gap and her oldest DC is besotted with the baby.

It's a dilemma. I have one now, but will go for two DC.

Yes! Having an only child is selfish!

Having children is selfish.

DH and I chose to have 4 children for selfish reasons.

I was lonely growing up, and used to look at big families wistfully, wishing that my family was like that. I was trying to prevent any child in a family of mine having those feelings, IYSWIM, because although I had a sibling, I still felt lonely. DH grew up in a big family, so it was his norm.

It was still based on selfish reasons because it was what we both wanted.

If you choose to have one child, you are preventing your own child from a sibling. I'm sorry, but IMO this is selfish, unless having another child would cripple you financially, or massively negatively affect any physical or mental health issues within the family.

If it's just a case of "DH and I get to relax and have a lot more time to ourselves, we have more money, and can have better holidays," etc, then that is selfish, surely?

My sibling and I never got on until the eldest of us turned 18. She was horrible to me when I was growing up. I didn't wish that I was an only child, I wished that I had additional siblings who would be nice to me, because I could see from other families that most siblings are nice to each other most of the time.

She is now a massive part of my life, and so are her children, and I can't imagine life without them. I would hate to be an only child, and given the choice as a child, even though she was so nasty to me most of the time, I wouldn't have chosen to be an only child.

It's crops up time and time again in the one child family threads that siblings don't always get on any way, and often hate each other and go NC as adults.

I know hundreds of people with siblings, but know of only one case of adult siblings hating each other and being NC.

I'm speculating, but I imagine the divorce rates are much higher than the number of adult children hating each other, yet it doesn't stop people getting married.

IME, of speaking to one child families, who are in stable relationships, with no medical / MH / serious financial worries, the parents either just found it so hard first time round and/or hated the early months so much that they didn't want to repeat the experience.

Either way, having one or more than one child by choice is selfish!

@LarryGreysonsDoor of course not. They also may die young; anything could happen. But having no siblings IS a guarantee that you're on your own.

There's a book called Parenting your Only Child which explores the advantages and disadvantages, counters many of the myths and has some tips on counteracting the disadvantages. It definitely helped me come to terms with not having a second child (infertility).

I was an only and the question - Did I ever feel lonely? Then the answer is yes sometimes I did. I'm old enough to have played in the street as a child, and at times for example , if it suddenly rained and you all went home, I felt those with siblings could carry on with play where I'd go home to read a book,stare out the window, or do a jigsaw by myself.
I had a very good childhood, was taken out a fair bit,had holidays, given lots of attention etc. I feel I grew up to be fairly independent, and even today have no problem spending time alone, it takes a lot for me to feel bored.
Both my parents are now dead, and in the early days of grieving the last parent dying , that is a time I felt the lack of having a sibling. There illness and care was all done to me and after as well. I'm also mindful that my history of that time , childhood etc is my memory only as no-one who remembers the memories of family life is alive now, except me. Sorry for the waffle !

No

@VictoriaBun that resonates actually. I've never thought about when they are gone being the only one who remembers our family life as a three.

@HamptonLucy in response to “You didn't answer my question, Bert. Is your family of 2 DC better than a family of one?” Families are made up in lots of different ways. But I have said several times that I think all other things being equal if at all possible children should not be raised as onlies and said why. I’m not sure how much clearer I can make it. And I am not the only person holding that view on this thread. Your interest in my posts in particular is a little.....odd.

A sibling is so far from being a guarantee of help. In my experience it tends to fall on one sibling most of the time. I worked in care and that's how it was in the majority of cases. I've been a career for a family member twice now and I'd have been far more resentful if there'd be someone who could have helped but didn't.

A sibling can also be another person to care for or worry over if born with a severe disability or develop one. My Mother loved her Brothers but some of them developed alcohol issues and required help and were a major worry and source of stress. They didn't help when she had to care for a parent.

It's better to put plans and money in place for care in the future regardless of how many children you have. That said I fully intend to care for my parents if/when necessary but that's my choice.

No. I love my brother but can't stand my sister. At all. She was a relentless bully towards me as a kid and my mothet let her get away with it unscathed. I later found out that was clearly because my mother was also the child bully in her sibling group and she didn't recognise the same in my sister.

I am terrified of having another child and that child turning out like either of them, or my DS turning in to that child if he ever ended up with a younger sibling.

Plus he's just got to 2yrs old and I am not sure I can be arsed with the baby years again. They were hell for me.

I think it depends on the parenting. I know you could say this about any sized family but I think it's very important in the case of only-children.

Of the only children I know (a huge sample size of four ) one is the loveliest person you could hope to meet but the other three do fit the only-child stereotype of selfish and I'd say that was mostly down to their parents.

The two worst offenders are self-absorbed, take take take, expect the attention on them etc but their parents treated them like a little prince and princess and they never had to share so I suppose it's not really their "fault".

If you're going to parent an only child like that (and I imagine it's that bit harder not to when you only have one to focus on) you're doing them a huge disservice and a sibling would offset that. But as I said one girl I know is the sweetest, kindest person and her parents are wonderful and struck a great balance between having boundaries and giving her tons of opportunities they may not have been able to with more children.

I know it's not everyone's experience but personally I think having siblings is wonderful. I'm one of three girls and while I have lots of friends, the bond with my sisters is very special. That's the sole reason I wanted more than one - even though for my own sake I probably would have fared better with one child, it just wasn't ever going to be an option as I wanted to give them the opportunity to have the sibling relationship I have and cherish. I have two girls and while they're still only toddlers and they do squabble, watching them interact and laughing together is my biggest parenting joy.

That said I also have childhood friends and cousins who I shared my formative years with and they are also very special relationships. So once an only child is given lots of opportunities to form close bonds with others they're not missing out and the benefits of being an only are huge too.

I'm an only child.
I definitely missed out, even more so as an adult. Do really envy people that have siblings/large families.
As a result I'm determined to have 3/4 children in total for their sake, in their adult lives especially.

It’s not selfish and there’s no guarantee another child will improve a child’s life. You can have a second child so your first child isn’t lonely and then have them not get on at all. You can have a second child to reduce the burden of care in your old age and find the second child is severely disabled and will actually leave the first child feeling they have to support both elderly parents and grown-up sibling. If your current family set up works and you’re all happy with only one child then it seems obvious not to have another just because society makes you think you should.

Having more than one is no guarantee that they will get on/be close/support each other but it's MUCH more likely than not.
I couldn't have only one child because I know they're GUARANTEED to have the whole burden of elderly parents one day, or if they don't have many friends when they're older etc, having siblings they're bonded with would be great for them. When they start their own families they may support each other, family gatherings/Christmas etc something to really look forward to.
I see these dynamics all around me and I really envy it.

My dad has just been diagnosed with cancer and I have no one to turn to for support.

No, but I think you need to make a special effort to make sure their are other kids in their lives. For example I was several years younger than my penultimate sibling and my parents started doing cultures holidays (I guess after 25 years of family holidays they were bored) but I was miserable and lonely on them and would rather have stayed at home.

People who are saying that they are having multiple children for the sake of their existing child. What if they hate having siblings and don't get along? I know people who wishes they'd stayed only children. That's why it seems like madness to me to have children for your child. IMO You should have additional children because you want them, not on the basis of this amazing sibling bond that may never happen.

I'm having more because I want them too of course.
To me having more holidays, money etc is meaningless compared to a big family

That's fine(environmental issues asides, but that's a whole other debate) but I've seen people on MN post who didn't want another child but felt guilty about not giving their child a sibling. It seems madness to me to have a child you don't really want on the basis of some hypothetical wonderful sibling relationship that may never develop. I personally know more people with negative relationships with their siblings than positive so while there are a great many siblings who have a strong relationship it's so far from a guarantee.

This thread needs a button.
No it isn’t selfish.

People who are saying that they are having multiple children for the sake of their existing child. What if they hate having siblings and don't get along? I know people who wishes they'd stayed only children. That's why it seems like madness to me to have children for your child. IMO You should have additional children because you want them, not on the basis of this amazing sibling bond that may never happen.

Absolutely this!^

Even though I suppose one of the reasons for me was that I didn't want my DC(s) to feel lonely. We still had them because we genuinely wanted them!

By the same token, though, I don't think people should keep using the they might not get on as a reason to not to have additional children, either.

Have the number of children you want, sod what everyone else thinks. Whatever number of children you have, if you chose to have the number of children you have, then your decisions were selfish, and this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

IME, most people who have chosen to have one child seem to have a problem admitting it was a selfish decision, and instead, pretend that their decision was based purely on the best interests of their only DC.

Lets be honest - there are probably a lot more pros for the parents of only children, than there are for the actual only child themselves!

Yes, "100% of our time and attention, we can afford to give them blah blah blah," but material things don't bring happiness.

It isn't necessarily a good thing to have 100% of anyone's time and/or attention either, tbh.

Meant to say yes, only child children of parents do get "100%" of their parents' time and attention" and "can have experiences that they wouldn't get with siblings," ...

But it isn't necessarily a good thing to have 100% of anyone's time and/or attention either, tbh, and material things don't bring happiness.

No, the world is already overpopulated. Cousins can be as close as siblings, they may not grow up in the same household but siblings (especially half siblings) may not either, or may not get along as children anyway. I am as close to one of my cousins as I am to my siblings, and I know other people who have a similar relationship with their cousins. Family is important but that doesn't mean every child needs a brother or sister.

I have a sibling but she lives overseas. She is perfectly nice but wouldn't be someone I would choose to be friends with and we probably only speak every few months. Also, I basically have full responsibility for our parents as she decided to live in a different country.

There is none of this 'fiercely loyal' siblings stuff people trot out, in fact I resent the fuck out of her for dumping me with all the shit while still being the Golden Child

No, regardless of whether it's a choice or something people have had to come to terms with.

Is having two children selfish?

My children have each other when the time comes.

Not necessarily. You don't know what the future holds.

MIL dealt with her aging father and ultimately his death pretty much on her own, though supported by her husband and children. Her brother was useless and no support at all.

Sadly having a sibling can't guarantee a child has support later in life at all. As a private solicitor she spends a lot of time with warring siblings. In some cases it would be far easier for them to be an only child dealing with it.

Luckily people often have partners, children and friends who are of far greater support for them.