Is having an only child selfish?

[whothedaddy]

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

Possibly, but there is nothing wrong with being selfish is there? I have two because I really wanted two when in fact, we could only afford one. DP was less keen, we have two. I was selfish.

No, nobody should have a child just to stop another being an only child. I am very glad I am not an only child. My siblings are as important to me as my children. My own children would love another sibling but I don't want another child so I'm not going to have one just because they want one. That would not be a good idea. You have to look after and fund and love that child for at least 2 decades. You need to want it.

I am a twin and can honestly say that she is my best friend. We had a difficult childhood and survived because we were a team.
I have, due to fertility diffs, only been able to have 1 DS.
I grieved for a number of years for the 2nd child that was not to be.
However, my DS has not needed the strength of a 2nd as I did to survive neglect.
Knowing this has really helped.

We have an only. Not exactly through choice but that's the way it is. I don't think it's a selfish choice.

My mum is an only and my dad is one of three brothers. When my mums parents died there was only her to sort things out. It was hard for her but it got done. When my dads parents died it was left all to him, one brother had sadly died and the other is a useless selfish arse, who only became interested once he realised there was an inheritance to be had. He didn't help organise the funeral, he didn't visit the solicitors or sort out probate, he hadn't visited his mother for over a year before her death. He left it all to my dad to sort out and waited for his cheque in the post. Both ends of the spectrum, exactly the same result. Siblings aren't a guarantee of anything.

I said- Well, I do think that all other things being equal, if at all possible, children shouldn’t be onlies”

Apologies- I was on my phone so couldn't scroll back to quote you properly. I'm just surprised at you passing judgement - do you think you did better, Bert, with your two non onlines?

I've got an only, would have had another one but life didn't go to plan so not really a choice.
I could have made it happen if it was really important to me.
Still could I guess but selfishly I'm enjoying having a child that's becoming more independent and looking forward to getting my career and life back.
Also at this stage I don't think a sibling would be the best thing for my son even if I wanted another.
He's happy, I try to mitigate against any of the negatives I think there might be such as loneliness or being spoilt.
I'm one of five and I am close to my siblings but being in a set didn't make me less selfish. I'm quite a selfish person.
I've never been good at making friends because I didn't need to as a child I had my siblings for company, my son makes friends wherever he goes so that's a positive.

Mine is not by choice but no it's not selfish

“Apologies- I was on my phone so couldn't scroll back to quote you properly. I'm just surprised at you passing judgement”
I wasn’t passing judgement. I was expressing an opinion. Are you saying that only one opinion is allowed? That wouldn’t be much of a discussion.

You didn't answer my question, Bert. Is your family of 2 DC better than a family of one?

Bloody hell.. I'm dealing with DP's family asking when I'm planning on giving our 1yo a brother or sister, because according to them, having only one child is saddening and selfish.
MIL also was quick to tell me that she doesn't understand why people choose not to have children and has said "what's the point?".
After having one, though I love him dearly, I can understand why.

My 80yr old mother still hates the fact that her financially well off parents chose to have only her. No siblings, and the one with all the responsibility when they were dying

I was waiting for that argument to come out. From my experience, siblings seem to argue more over matters to do with elderly parents than support one another, and the responsibility often falls unevenly more to one sibling than another which can cause resentment. Only children, if they are anything like me, are so independent that they are more than happy to deal with things on their own, without unnecessary interference or argument from others. Plus most onlies have other family to help and support them - spouses, inlaws and children.

Having children at all is selfish, and the more you have the more selfish it becomes.

We'd be pretty buggered as a species if no-one had them.

DS is an only, he doesn’t know any different, but he was very insistent he wanted a sibling when he was about 4 because “everybody has one”

We has a conversation that went like this:

-So you want a new brother or sister? Shall we borrow Jack’s little sister so you know what is it like?

• No mum, she is awful, she breaks Jacks toys
• what about Andrea’s?
• He cries for everything!
• What about Peter’s?
• Are you crazy? she even scratches his face!
• Are you sure you want a sibling?

The topic has not been touched again ever 🙂

I wish he had a bigger family around him but then, I have 2 sisters I have almost no contact with, we were never friends, it was rare we were not squabbling about one thing or another, Nowadays, living away and busy with our own problems and families we hardly talk to each other, I cannot imagine being a comfort to them or visceversa when my parents go, quite the opposite.

This thread has made me feel better about having one, so thanks! I’ve heard people say it’s selfish, including my husband and his family. Would dearly love to have a couple more and am actually really, really sad it isn’t possible.

No

NRTFT but all reasons for having child are selfish, you are always satisfying a desire: individual/part of a couple/dynastic.

Seriously does anyone have a child to just put one more life in the world that would make it a better place?

You’re absolutely not selfish and tbh, given the age gap your dd has already been an only child. Having another baby now probably wouldn’t be net positive for her.

On the caring side, yes, a sibling can help share the load, but pp’s could be like me where it’s highly likely I’ll have caring responsibilities for my sibling, whose own health issues mean she won’t be able to help me with my parents if that’s required. I have several friends in similar situations ( disabled siblings who do t have partners)

No, no it's not. Your planet thanks you, but aside from that you can't guarantee that siblings will enrich each other's lives so you shouldn't have DC2 purely for the sake of your first dc.

Why is having any children considered selfish? Where else are all the future doctors etc... going to come from?

I am an only child. My mum had very bad PND so they only had me. Growing up I was really happy,I had friends to play with and cousins and was also happy playing on my own/ making up games etc which I think helped to make me self sufficient. I am also aware that we did a lot as a family which we wouldn’t have been able to do had there been siblings (hobbies/days out/holidays etc)

However, now both my parents are dead and I am totally alone. Doesn’t help that I have no partner/husband at the moment at a really stressful time of sorting out my parents affairs and also the caring responsibilities towards the end of life. I now really wish I had a sibling to share this with - even if it’s just a phone call to offload some of the stress. Yes, I am aware that not all siblings get on and that might have been the case for me, and yes I have friends who have all offered support. But ultimately their own families come first (as they should do) and it has left me feeling very alone

Not selfish so much as thoughtless. I have a friend who is an only child and is now struggling massively with elderly parents, shouldering the entire mental and physical burden of their failing health. There is also no opportunity to share life's joys and challenges with the people who understand (literally) where you are coming from - your siblings.

Maybe thoughtless is too strong.

@GreyhoundzRool sorry cross-posted with you but that's exactly what I meant!

But, Argy, having siblings in no guarantee that they will help you when your parents are older or that you will have any contact with them.

There are positive and negatives to both sides.

I am an only child. I did want siblings growing up, although I was never lonely. I had close cousins and friends. I made friends easily and was allowed to bring them along on holiday/trips etc as I got older. As an adult I fear having sole responsibility for my parents as and when their health declines. I do have limited family support but it will all be on my shoulders. I have spoken to my parents about 'why' and it was purely financial. They wanted to sustain their lifestyle. I think maybe my mum has some regrets about it. I am well aware though that many people do not have good relationships with their siblings, so it's not guaranteed. My DH does have a great relationship with his DB and I envy that sometimes.

My DS is currently an only (and DH would've probably liked it to stay that way) but I'm pregnant with DC2, which were pleased about. My BIL may never have children so DS will potentially have no cousins and only one Uncle which makes me feel anxious about him having to support us all in later life. I'm glad he will have a sibling.

You just have to do what is right for your family!

Why is having any children considered selfish? Where else are all the future doctors etc... going to come from?

Because it is by definition selfish. It is self interested, an action you take because because you want to, to fulfil that biological imperative, to ensure the survival of your genes etc. It's pretty big headed to view it as gifting mankind with your progeny. If people all had one fewer child, fewer doctors would be needed. The next generation would be fine without your kids, in our world of finite resources. Also, your kids will have a big carbon footprint that you're responsible for. They'll have their own kids too, that you'll indirectly be responsible for.

Of course it's selfish, and I say that as someone who has one kid already and plans another. All life is basically selfish, may as well own it.