Is having an only child selfish?

[whothedaddy]

Just that really. In your honest opinion is it wrong/selfish to have an only child and why?

I am an only child and I only have one child (although that wasn't a choice. I had to have IVF to get DS and don't think it's an option for us again.)

It's not selfish. I liked being an only child most of the time. All my parents attention. My own space. And I'll get any inheritance (if any) all to myself 😆 The only thing was that I always had to try and make friends with other kids on holiday whereas those with siblings had ready made playmates.

I've found however that a lot of my friends only have one, primarily due to starting families later in life after building careers or it taking longer to meet 'the one' so if we don't have any more, my son will have quite a few contemporaries like him.

I have an only. I'd have loved 2 and I feel guilty that he's not had that experience. Unfortunately I live abroad with no family support and have a chronic illness that was diagnosed when DS was 6. Tbh if I'd known about that I wouldn't have had DS because I would have been afraid. I'm so glad we did have him. I just make more effort with playmates and sleepovers and keep pets - dogs make great brothers and sisters!!

I think it’s more selfish to have a very large family

@Bellatrix14 - oddly enough I only know one only who says they hated it. Some, like DP, don't appear to have cared one way or the other and some, like me, loved it

@HamptonLucy- the OP asked for opinions- that’s mine

I know. And the face was my response that you would think a one child family was "not ideal" You have a boy and girl - is that your ideal?

I'm an only child and hated it.
The attention and the pressure on me was awful. I was made to feel guilty about everything if I didn't perform. Everything just felt very intense. When my father died I had to do everything and really wished I had a sibling to share the load.
I have four children (and two step children) and their upbringing is everything my childhood wasn't.

It's often not by choice to have an only child so saying anything to a parent of an only child is pretty nasty. There are all kinds of reasons why people lose fertility. Obviously I would love more than one but it's probably not going to happen. It's very upsetting but I stay quiet because a lot of people don't even have one. It's very tough but life is a bitch.

i was strongly advised not to have a second child due to the risks both to me and the baby, so we have one. Yes, I was sad about it for a while, but it is what it is. We have been able to do more in terms of supporting him with education and university costs than we could have done with two.

I really hate the assumption that because someone has one child they have fertility issues. I don't assume that people with 3+ children have had contraceptive failures. When someone has one child I don't think anything of it. It's perfectly normal.

Absolutely not.

I am at the other end with 5DC but my children have friends who are only children and they are always in a position to take a friend out or have sleepovers where I am not. Generally all of the only DC’s I know have positives peer group friendships that have lasted over the years.

Also I come at it from the viewpoint of having toxic sibling relationships and the strain that this has put on my other family relationships over the years has been enough to put me in a year of therapy.

I hope my DC’s will be close when they are older but my own experience tells me that you cannot guarantee it.

No

“I know. And the shock face was my response that you would think a one child family was "not ideal”

If you’re going to quote people, quote them properly.
I said- Well, I do think that all other things being equal, if at all possible, children shouldn’t be onlies”

Why do you think I shouldn’t have said that?

@BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack absolutely love the name 😃😂😂😂

What, more selfish than having another kid just because society seems to think we should? Of course it's not, it's far more selfish to have more children than you can not afford to raise or that you don't want.

Only got to this point before posting , but this is our thinking really. My Nan constantly tells me "an only is a lonely" but I disagree. You can have siblings who don't get on, just because you are family does not mean you will "hang around " together as you grow.
My DS has lots of little friends who we see a few times a week.

But I can't deny there are certain times when I question our choice, but I just think we shouldn't have another child unless we 100% really want one, and we simply don't. What could be worse than bringing a child into the world that you don't really want, just to appease other people.

I am still in a toxic relationship with my DD’s father. She’s 10 now. Am trying to find the courage to separate and will get there. Having another baby would be the worst possible thing I could imagine right now in terms of escaping. People can judge away, but every situation is different.

I'm an only. Apparently when my parents die I will have to cope ALL ALONE because of course nobody has a best friend of 30 years, supportive DH, close cousins, and family in law. Plus their own adult children.

but I don’t think I’ve met many only children who like being an only child

But I bet you only ever ask only children if they like being only children. Do you ever ask people with siblings if they like having them. If you ask DH he will tell you he’d rather have been an only.

@hammeringinmyhead

Exactly! I on the other hand have two siblings who I know will cause endless trouble and anxiety when that day comes. I panic at the thought of seeing my toxic sister and dread the day that we meet again which will probably be at our parents funeral. I will then be financially tied to both of them for two years as my parents have written a two year waiting period into their will to benefit my brother who lives with them. It has affected how I feel about my own parents. I have struggled to make lasting friendships as I am unable to let my guard down.

Siblings can be a great support or they are not.

OP, I can’t tell you how many times I have been told that I am selfish for having 5DC. Did climate change come into my decision to have 5DC? No! Is that selfish? Yes!

I do what I can to offset it as best I can but my point is that as soon as you have a child, every decision you make leaves you asking “is this right for my child/Ren?” And the fact is that you can’t possibly cover all angles when you are making a decision on behalf of someone else. All you can do is take what you have and work with it. If you have the ability to question “how will this affect my child” then I do not believe that whatever you decide to do is selfish. It is actually an informed choice that no-one has the right to comment on because no-one lives your life.

No. I have one out of choice. I wasn’t great at being a mum to a baby, I was great once she started talking. I wanted to focus my efforts / resources on her rather than split across multiple kids. I’d have had trouble affording a second maternity leave. She is happy, sociable and fun to be with. She and I are a great time. She wouldn’t enjoy sharing the limelight with a sibling.

Selfish to who? The only child? Of course not! They've had full attention parenting to themselves. There are plenty of children in school to play with.

@OnlyMeee “No, but I would have preferred not to have been born than be in the situation I find myself in as a direct result of being an only child.”

I am sorry you are in such an upsetting situation. Could you say a little about it so that parents who have only children or aunties / cousins of only children can know how to avoid or support the situation you are in?

My 80yr old mother still hates the fact that her financially well off parents chose to have only her. No siblings, and the one with all the responsibility when they were dying.
There reason was because 'their lifestyle didn't really cater for children ' In which case don't have any ...

We have an only child - for selfish reasons (no fertility problems here). Then again, having any number of children is inherently selfish. Having a child just so your other child may have a sibling is perhaps an exception, but really kinda dumb.

DH and I both have siblings whom we love, but one child just suits us. The family feels complete. We like being flexible. For example, we don't have a lot of money. If we'd have had another, we'd have needed a bigger house, probably a car because taking two on public transport is much harder... We don't need these things now, and so we can afford things like holidays with DD.

I never really wanted more than one, and a hellish pregnancy solidified that decision. But the tough pregnancy did not cause us to only want one child. I have friends who had equally traumatic pregnancies / births who went on to have a second anyway because they had always wanted two. That's the difference.

Well it's what I've decided for a variety of reasons.. so no, I don't think it is.

I would have loved to have been an only child.

I don't think it's at all selfish. For who? DS is an only, and yes there were times when he'd ask for a brother, but I imagine if he had one he would have wanted to be an only! We've been able to spend more money on him in terms of holidays and activities, and as he's grown older he really appreciates this. He's always had plenty of friends to play with. We've always had a very good relationship and never put any undue pressure on him.

I understand people saying that having siblings can help when dealing with elderly parents etc but often there is one sibling takes the load. DH is an only but he has me to help so there's not that much difference.

No. I'm and only child and I have one (adult) child.