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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at friend charging us to visit?

356 replies

snoozy2straws · 21/06/2019 00:35

Old friend and Godmother to my DD, we arranged in Jan to visit her and her hubby who live in Southern Italy with our 2 DCs. We are staying for 5 nights. We spoke today to make final arrangements and she has asked us to pay her £800 plus food for the stay. I’m shocked and deeply upset as it seems so callous and commercial, not the visit to friends we had expected, besides which we really cant afford it. I would have been happy to pay £100 p/head plus food but this seems a lot. I feel like not going but what would I tell DD she is so excited. We are staying in their house so not even an annex or separate apartment! I should have got this clear at the outset but I did not expect this 5 days before we go!
What would you do? AIBU? Is this a fair deal for a summer holiday in the sun with the use of a pool but in their house with them?

OP posts:
LaraLondon1 · 22/06/2019 20:35

Meant to say I obviously never charge !!

ShowMeTheKittens · 22/06/2019 20:48

You arranged... fatal words.
You, (perhaps) were not invited.
I would cancel. You usually get some money back.

kittyclarke · 22/06/2019 21:11

That is so incredibly rude and I'd be very upset in your shoes. We are having American friends to stay - a couple and their 2 children. We haven't seen them in 10 years and have never met their children but we're so excited to have them to stay. They're coming for 3 weeks and using our home as their base, coming and going as they visit different parts of the country. We're absolutely delighted they feel welcome and comfortable with us and are so looking forward to spending time with them.

motherofcats81 · 22/06/2019 21:12

“You must come and visit” usually means if you happen to be Italy some time come and have dinner, maybe even stay over so we can have a few drinks.

No it doesn't! Having lived in some nice locations around the world over the years I can say that when I or anyone I know said to their close friends at home that they must come and visit, we meant they must come and visit, and stay as a guest so that we could spend time together! Of course no one is going to just nip abroad and do other things and then come for one night. If that's what you mean you should say so.

I have never ever expected anyone to pay to stay with me, and to land it on you at the last minute is appalling. That is also not mates' rates even if she is trying to make a business out of it- you could have got somewhere really nice and private for that cost.

I would be very upset and to be honest I wouldn't want to be there myself. Even if you can find something slightly more expensive but your own place, I'd go with that..

TanMateix · 22/06/2019 21:27

Unless you are taking the full extended family I don’t understand why she wants so much money.

Does she get paying guests at her own home? Like Airbnb? Because if she does that’s were the misunderstanding may be coming from, But either way she is a CF, you don’t wait until the last minute to clarify that and then ask for a fortune.

I’m sure your DD will survive if you cancel the visit or go and stay in a place that is more affordable even if it is in another city in Italy. Either way block her, that is no way to behave towards friends.

Jamhandprints · 22/06/2019 21:41

She obviously doesn't want you to stay. How sad that she didn't tell you earlier. Find an air b n b apartment or a hotel (It will probably be cheaper) and don't see them at all.

MarianneAgain · 22/06/2019 21:44

@harvey30

You need to start a thread of your own: just above the box where you type it says "start a new thread".
For what it's worth, as far as I know you need the other parent's signature to get a passport for your child, so if he won't sign, your friend is stuffed.

kateandme · 22/06/2019 22:35

very UR of her.your staying with friends for goodness sakes.we would want to contribute.also make sure we got booze and food in.help out.cook etc...perhaps give a wad at the end of the week if our friends would allow but sheesh no way would this be what any of our friends or family would dream of doing.
tell her you cant afford it then go somewhere else.look for late deals.
my sister just got one for a great late deal in france.

Spermysextowel · 22/06/2019 22:38

I’d probably have sorted it out last week when payment was first mentioned (I’m sure one of your posts says this but can’t remember under which user name). Or when you spoke to her on Thurs/Friday. Still, at least speaking to her today resolved it.

Abuelan · 22/06/2019 22:54

My god I’ve lived in Spain for 32 years and not once have I charged friends or relatives. Even when we had no money.

Friend you say ummm I’d query that one. If your flights are booked you’d easily get a nice Airbnb for that amount of money.
I’d go and stay elsewhere or ask can you share and buy groceries but £288 pp for food/acc is somewhat over inflated.
Hope you find some compromise and all ends well.

Touchmybum · 22/06/2019 23:37

I wouldn't stay with her now, I'd pay whatever it takes to book in elsewhere!!

Dotcomma · 22/06/2019 23:39

Reading between the lines, you put a lot of emphasis on her being 'godmother' to one of your children? Makes me wonder if the invitation might have been for you & the godchild only to visit, but then she realised she could make some money out of you coming as a family of 4.

If you really want to go and have your heart set on it, then forget the 'friend/godmother' bit and go stay in her house, treat it like a holiday and take whatever she's giving. It's really down to you and if/how much you're willing to pay.

Then lose touch aftereards

Singlenotsingle · 22/06/2019 23:43

Look online for an Airbnb. It won't cost anything like £800 for five days.

poppy54321 · 22/06/2019 23:57

Bet she meant £80. Surely? No one in their right mind would ask for £800 towards bills excluding food.

Ferret27 · 23/06/2019 07:51

Why don’t you ring her and just say ‘ I’m really sorry but I don’t know what to do about coming over ... we really can’t afford £800.00’ can we agree to cover all food and when you come to England stay with us ....
If you are staying with someone ...you should be able to talk openly with them or it will be uncomfortable ... try talking first the more you over think it the harder it will be to have that little chat....

scubadive · 23/06/2019 07:52

Seems like the ops a taker, starting to feel for the hosts. All these people offering help and advice, op takes all the advice (with an odd name change half way through) and then offers nothing back. Some people are takers in life, some givers. We have a taker here.

Junowhat · 23/06/2019 09:07

I always feel a bit short changed when the OP sorts out their problem and doesn't come back to fill in the blanks.

Although my conclusion is that it was probably an unexciting reason (friend thought they were messaging a different person/OP borrowed £800 from the friend several years ago and never repaid it/friend cannot stand OP and in the subsequent Frank conversation told her so, OP acknowledged she is a boring, freeloading baggage and agreed that £800 is actually a bargain price to pay to have people put up with her for 5 days!) And so the OP was embarrassed to come back to those (over) invested in her holiday plans.

honeygirlz · 23/06/2019 09:13

@scubadive OP did update , but under a different name.

Everyone’s happy now .

rookiemere · 23/06/2019 09:19

OP did update but not with many details. Assume this is because she is worried that thread would be too identifiable if she did.

Gth1234 · 23/06/2019 09:39

if they thought you should make a contribution, they should have agreed it before you booked plane flights, or anything else.

BobLemon · 23/06/2019 10:01

This thread is the MN equivalent of “missing a sneeze”

SerenDippitty · 23/06/2019 10:10

My ILs were contacted by some distant relatives from across the pond who said they were coming over and would like to meet. MIL said OK. They landed on ILs for 6 weeks. In all that time they contributed nothing, lifted not a finger, when they weren’t out exploring they sat around playing cards, until on the last night they.....did the washing up.

thethethethethe · 23/06/2019 10:22

And why did ILs put up with it?

flumpybear · 23/06/2019 10:23

Wow!
Personally I'd get a Hotel or air bnb and just say something like 'ok we've decided to get a hotel as it'll be cheaper than staying with you, plus we wouldn't want to
Impose on your home

Kinda given her the hint that she's being a CF Angry

jmsburnham · 23/06/2019 10:52

I would never dream of asking close friends to pay for staying in our home - you do not need a friend like this! You are only staying for 5 nights and she wants £800!! She obviously wants to make a profit from your visit, so I would tell her that you cannot afford to pay this amount and you will only be able to pay for food which is fair enough.
If she makes a fuss during your holiday, I would cut off contact with her in the future.

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