AIBU to be upset at friend charging us to visit?

[snoozy2straws]

Old friend and Godmother to my DD, we arranged in Jan to visit her and her hubby who live in Southern Italy with our 2 DCs. We are staying for 5 nights. We spoke today to make final arrangements and she has asked us to pay her £800 plus food for the stay. I’m shocked and deeply upset as it seems so callous and commercial, not the visit to friends we had expected, besides which we really cant afford it. I would have been happy to pay £100 p/head plus food but this seems a lot. I feel like not going but what would I tell DD she is so excited. We are staying in their house so not even an annex or separate apartment! I should have got this clear at the outset but I did not expect this 5 days before we go!
What would you do? AIBU? Is this a fair deal for a summer holiday in the sun with the use of a pool but in their house with them?

Gobsmacked at this CF-ery.

We live in an area that's very popular for long weekends and holidays and often have friends to stay, we'd never dream of asking them for a penny. They usually bring shedloads of booze and take us out for a meal while they're here.

Making this request at such short notice, and well after flights are booked is fishy imo. Could they have run into some sort of money problem and see their guests as a way of helping to get it sorted?

I do think turning a 'you must come and visit' remark into a 'let's have a 5 day family holiday at friends house' takes the piss a bit because let's be real unless the friend is taking 5 days off work to hang out with the OP and their family every day then it's not really a visit to catch up with the friend, it's staying with a friend and using their house as your holiday base.

I would never just announce how long I was staying. I would ask how many days were convenient. But if I was going abroad it would need to be at least three days to make flights and other travel worth it, I think.

I would never just announce how long I was staying. I would ask how many days were convenient. But if I was going abroad it would need to be at least three days to make flights and other travel worth it, I think
Asking the host what's convenient makes sense and is the polite thing to do.
If I was travelling to an area on holiday and catching up with a friend at the same time then I'd expect to make my own accommodation arrangements for most of the trip though, not expect to be put up for almost a week.

I'm just thinking of other ways this situation could have arisen other than friend and OP agreeing to friend being the base for OP's family holiday and then suddenly saying 'here's a bill'

E.g. it's plausible that the offer to visit was made, OP and family decided they're going to that area and called friends and said ' we're thinking of visiting your area for holiday and you'd mentioned us visiting, we've found some flights from X to Y. Would you be free?' Friend says they are free. OP books flights. Friend is under the impression that they'll visit or stay for part of those dates because nobody has mentioned the friend hosting their family for almost a week. Then later it emerges that the OP as actually meaning 'are you around to put us all up for these 5 days'. The friend knows flighta are booked and now feel backed into a corner over the whole thing because maybe they hadn't planned on taking a week holiday from work to see OP, hadn't planned on having a family stopping with them for 5 days and them coming and going from their house, maybe feeling it's a bit of a backhanded or sly way to arrange what is actually quite a big ask.

They're wrong for presenting OP with a bill but it seems such an odd scenario where someone would say 'of course I'm happy to put you and your family up for 5 days and you can use my home as a base for your holiday, only to later say by the way give me £800 for it'. It could be as simple as that but I think the friend's side might be interesting.

I had a "friend " who only contacted me in the Spring, to discuss her summer stay with us. A couple of times she said she'd rather stay in our house when we weren't there. Now an ex friend, but when she heard we'd moved to somewhere really nice she made contact again.

I may be way off beam and not read the whole thread but what popped into my head was: does your friend have a controlling partner maybe? Have they made this crazy stipulation,

Can anyone say what the update and resolution was? As I was looking for the highlighted posts and it seems there was a name change.

I would never dream of charging a friend to stay with me. If I wasn't prepared to host them, I wouldn't ever say they must visit sometime.

Unless I had a very large house and house help...I wouldn't be keen to have friends... and certainly not a whole family staying over. It's quite stressful. Having previously hosted family from abroad ... sorting out their meals is more hassle than I need.

The mere suggestion of me paying £800 would signify the end of the friendship.

Sandy, OP and friend had a frank and helpful chat and agreed a contribution that both are happy with.

How old is dd? At 10 I was sent to stay with my godmother for a month (and to learn French), and it was fine. A little lonely and homesick the first couple of days, but then I hooked up with some local kids and started to have fun.

It was like being on holiday at home, godmother instead of mum, French chums instead of British chums, different language, but you learn really really fast that way.

I'm suggesting you send your dd on her own. If she's still tiny then obviously not, but anything from about 7 should be OK if she's bright.

Going forward i think you need to realise that she isn't the same friend that you knew.
She sees you as a friend she can financially benefit from rather than a real friend.
5 days before you go! She has no shame.

It's good that you've come to 'mutually acceptable amount' but you shouldn't have been put in that position.
She should have been honest with you before you went ahead and booked.
It's not even like it will cost her what she's charging you - whatever amount that is now.
She won't be providing you with hotel service i can guarantee you that.

I'm suggesting you send your dd on her own.

The flights area all paid for and they fly 4 days! Do people really throw away hundreds away so arbitrarily?

Anyway, it's all sorted now.

How did you actually come to a solution OP??? It’s quite an extreme situation.

Find a place nearby you can afford and respond with “oh we actually found this place nearby that we booked because we didn’t want to invade your privacy”

cancel the visit, and use the money to get a real holiday. I'd tell your friend why you cancelled and if it had been by invitation say it was unexpected and beyond reasonable.

Seems very cold and not friend like... I have friends in France and often stay and I always give some money (around £150) because I know they don’t have a lot (I don’t either!) and it seems fair as they drive us everywhere etc. I chip in for food as well but they never ask me for it. And I certainly couldn’t afford £800. Are you close friends? Is there more going on here than is apparent at face value? Personally and without knowing the finer details, going on what you’ve written here, she sounds like a cow. Cancel the stay with them and see you if can get a last minute Airbnb deal in the area so the flights aren’t wasted.

Well, that's not much of an update @snoozy2straws or whatever you want to call yourself.

What was her explanation? Are you still paying something? Are you really still going to go?

Asking or rather expecting someone to put you up in their home and feed you for 5 nights that’s 6 days for nothing is completely unacceptable. You are not visiting you are hoping for a free holiday.

I wouldn't stay either. She's made it clear she's uncomfortable with people staying for free and that she feels taken advantage of.

It's understandable and must happen a lot to her as she is in a desirable location. But, there is obviously a communication break down here.

I'm not sure I'd be able to move on from her statement to be able to have a pleasant stay. Unless there is a backstory and there is more history?

Do they offer holiday accommodation that they charge for? Has there been some confusion and she assumed you were booking as paying guests? Come on OP we need an update!

How much is the food? I’d say we can’t afford that and book a hotel/apartment/ air B and B for cheaper- see what her response is

Yeah, we had ‘friends’ who emigrated then planned a trip back to see everyone. I’d always said they could grab a bed at ours if they needed to, meaning one night and we’d get together for a catch up over dinner etc. The husband opened a group chat, announced the itinerary to all, which included a 7 day stay at ours. With no plans to spend any time with us. They told me they’d ‘cook for themselves etc’ but as they’re the messiest people I’ve ever met that gave me shudders. So we were basically their free B and B for a week. We eventually planned a dinner with them which the husband then cancelled as ‘we’ve been invited to a party now’ that’ll be fuck off you ain’t staying here, CF. I half hope they read this because when I tried to explain it in my stupid, bumbling British don’t want to offend they just thought I was being precious about the meal and offered chips in the park with a bunch of other mugs (we’d obvs be all buying our own)

She suddenly tried to charge £800 5 days before you go? Right, she needs money. The boiler/washing machine/dishwasher/car has probably broken, or they have an unexpected bill, or something. If it was just them being greedy CF, they would have told you further ahead of time, I would think (unless she didn’t want to give you time to cancel, in which case that’s REALLY deceitful). If, as you say, you have reached an amicable arrangement with her, great, but I can’t believe that you’re okay with the fact she tried to do this to you. I wouldn’t be, but hey ho. Friends don’t try to do this to friends.

And what I find a bit strange is how you gave a blanket statement that there was nothing else available for less than £800, when people showed there were tons of cheap (and lovely) AirBnbs all over southern Italy available in five days for less.

I would want to contribute towards food and the household expenditure if I was going out to see friends or family . £800 isn’t that much divided by 4 , £200 each for 5 nights Isn’t a huge amount and as you say the cost to go anywhere else is far more. How much are they expecting from you for food ?
I read people saying cancel but surely you would lose the flight money .
It seems your in a difficult position which I would say puts a strain on your friendship.
Perhaps speak to your friend and explain your willing to contribute but you haven’t got £800 , but you should have been saving up to go .
We have just returned from holidaying in Palma Majorca for 5 nights bed and breakfast in a four star hotel with flights for 3 persons at a cost of around £1700 . All other food we had to buy whilst out , some restaurants expensive some not , depending on what we wanted to eat .

She invited you, and mentioned no money until this stage? If she didn't want you to come it would be no more awkward to make excuses on dates than to ask an old friend for eight hundred quid.

We have a lot of Australian relatives, and friends in various countries. We live in a very scenic part of the world. I'd never dream of asking for financial contribution. If I like someone enough not to make excuses, and have them stay, then I like them enough to provide hospitality.

I'd have a real dig on AirBNB, personally, and I'd also check out whether any late rooms type sites have cancellations available. I'd also speak to the airline about how much you'd lose if you cancelled - it can vary, and they have in the past allowed me to change dates with a nominal fee. I wouldn't want to spent £800 plus flights for a five day trip in someone else's house when the situation was so awkward.

Got a friend staying who hasnt offered to pay for any food and I'm staring at the last £100 in my account as she asks what's for dinner and feeling like crying knowing I don't get paid again til late September, so can understand asking to cover food but £800 plus food... Golly

Sorry OP, I missed the namechange and see you said:

Ok so I have just spoken to her and we have had a very frank, open and friendly chat ...phew!!! She has apologised for the hefty sum and we have come to a mutual agreement that we are both happy with and it is all amicable.

Glad it's all sorted, and that you are all happy now. Have a lovely holiday.