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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at friend charging us to visit?

356 replies

snoozy2straws · 21/06/2019 00:35

Old friend and Godmother to my DD, we arranged in Jan to visit her and her hubby who live in Southern Italy with our 2 DCs. We are staying for 5 nights. We spoke today to make final arrangements and she has asked us to pay her £800 plus food for the stay. I’m shocked and deeply upset as it seems so callous and commercial, not the visit to friends we had expected, besides which we really cant afford it. I would have been happy to pay £100 p/head plus food but this seems a lot. I feel like not going but what would I tell DD she is so excited. We are staying in their house so not even an annex or separate apartment! I should have got this clear at the outset but I did not expect this 5 days before we go!
What would you do? AIBU? Is this a fair deal for a summer holiday in the sun with the use of a pool but in their house with them?

OP posts:
Kath246 · 22/06/2019 19:01

She is telling you to get lost and is no longer your friend - friend's don't charge each other for short visits! Why she would do that only both of you will know.

Kath246 · 22/06/2019 19:02

A friend that charges for a short stay at their home is not a friend - but I guess you don't get it

perfectstorm · 22/06/2019 19:02

@loveyou3000 if she's a good enough friend to stay with you for any substantial time, she's a good enough friend to be told, well, actually I'm a financial crunch right now so baked beans on toast it is.

If she doesn't offer to contribute hearing that, she is not a good friend.

loveyou3000 · 22/06/2019 19:07

@perfectstorm I think I'm going to have to mention it to her. Normally 100% wouldn't mind but my student loan payment isn't stretching as far as I thought it would :s have had a bit of a run of people taking the royal P with me financially!

Sundancer77 · 22/06/2019 19:07

We live abroad and would never even dream of ‘Charging’ family and friends... however, as lovely as it is when people come to stay, it can work out expensive and be pretty stressful.
For the others it’s a holiday, for us, just normal life..we always end up spending a fortune on all the extra food (that sounds stingy but it really adds up) petrol for driving everyone, everywhere, plus lots of airport runs, meals out (not paying for them, but onviusky, they’re in holiday mode so want to go on trips, meals, days out etc etc)
You want them to have a great time and to have a great time yourself, but on the quiet, it can be stressful and costs a lot 🤷‍♀️
My parents visit regularly, which is lovely, but they stay with us for 2 weeks and it stresses me out! They give money for the supermarket shop..which I feel awkward about, but then they want a lot of different things and want to spend more money..with a new baby, it’s difficukt to fund that.
It’s easy to see the people who just want a free hol and we tend to ignore messages from them as it really is people we barely know at times..! I wouldn’t even dream of doing that, so it’s strange to me.

GrandTheftWalrus · 22/06/2019 19:09

My parents went to stay with friends abroad for 10 nights. All they asked was that they bring a smile! My mum took gifts and took them out for meals etc. They never asked my parents once for money and even picked them up at the airport.

They paid for their flights and that was it.

helpIhateclothesshopping · 22/06/2019 19:14

Do they run as a an AIRBNB normally and is that their going rate?
I think it's a bit odd, but maybe they are fed up with all their friends doing that all summer, however they should have been upfront about it when you arranged it.
When we have friends visit us in our holiday place abroad, we don't charge them, but we generally chip in and do the food shopping and treat our friends or family abroad, if we are staying with them.

IrishGal21 · 22/06/2019 19:19

Try www.venere.com or www.booking.com for some Pensione deal S italy is very cheap and you can have a good old time on 800 quid and not feel like you are imposing :)

Sundancer77 · 22/06/2019 19:19

My parents always take us out for meals & pay for coffees etc if that’s where they want to go, which I think is fair as in ‘Normal’ life, people don’t generally go out for coffee plus lunch/dinner etc every day, they also like to get takeaways too..I do find it awkward as they’re guests and feel I should be providing, but I often get stressed with all the cooking, shopping for food etc. Friends often take us out for meals or buy a gift (again, not expected, but I’d do the same) and they’ve never stayed for longer than a week, which I think is too much. Dp’s sil and family stayed for a week and contributed nothing, not one meal out as a thank you, no little gift, in fact my dp paid for almost all lunches out 😩that week set us back almost €600.
If it was me, I personally wouldn’t stay longer than a couple of nights at a friend’s (I don’t stay longer than 5/7 days with my immediate family) I’d take them for a meal and pay for my own food, make a meal, help around the house etc.
I do think it’s strange of your friend to say this though and especially at such short notice, it’s also a large amount..!
Have you stayed with her lots before? Does she come to stay with you? Did she invite you or did you kind of invite yourself?

escapade1234 · 22/06/2019 19:26

I hate these threads which start out really interesting with lots of replies and then the OP just comes back with “yeah, it’s ok now - bye!”. Come on OP, if you’re not going to reveal the details of the conversation - just make something up?

There’s a lot of fiction on here anyway 🙄

HelloJuly · 22/06/2019 19:27

Oh come on OP please fill us in!

jwpetal · 22/06/2019 19:29

My family and friends live all over the world. We go to theirs and they come to ours. recently had my roommate from 20 years ago stay with us. We love it. I wouldn't never charge friends, but usually they pay for a dinner or drinks. I am surprised if she is the godmother to your dd. she must have been a good enough friend. Have a chat with her and maybe see about alternative accommodation.

laurabmummyof3 · 22/06/2019 19:30

That’s outrageous! Tell her where to stick it. Or if you can book a hotel instead, that way you have privacy and feel like you are on hols, and will subtly tell her your feelings over the bill. Then if I were you I’d see her for lunch or dinner 2/3x and that would be that!

awesomeaircraft · 22/06/2019 19:51

I am a tad confused. While I would agree that YANBU in another context...

If you told her like you did to us in your OP that: " you would have been happy to pay £100 p/head plus food" ...

then she is actually charging much less that you offered to pay for 5 days.

harvey30 · 22/06/2019 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Wrong thread

maddy68 · 22/06/2019 20:10

Does she air BnB her rooms? It could be costing her rental income.
I would say if she's charging you otherwise she is fed up with visitors after a free holiday

winniestone37 · 22/06/2019 20:12

This is odd and I feel we just don't know the whole story.

OhTheRoses · 22/06/2019 20:13

What do fish and guests have in common? Both begin to stink after three days. Says it all for me.

OverseasWorker · 22/06/2019 20:16

I live abroad and I don't expect visitors to pay to stay.
I do expect them to buy a few groceries and some beers. That's all.

Pur3Love1157 · 22/06/2019 20:17

Could you possibly see if there is anywhere cheaper to stay? Also could you address your friend open heartily and say you did not realise it would cost so much to stay with them? Could you inform your friend of what you could afford and even ask if they would know of anywhere they could suggest you stay for a cheaper cost within close proximity to visit them and have a catch up? Xx

Lauraloop1516 · 22/06/2019 20:23

I used to live in a lovely European city and got irritated by friends who would invite themselves to 'visit' when they clearly just wanted a free holiday. I would not have charged anyone, but then again I wouldn't have allowed them to come for 5 days.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/06/2019 20:31

I couldnt stay wth the friend after this. Even though you have agreed a mutually acceptable sum.. she's had to drop her high ask of £800 plus food which she lopped on with 5 days notice. So even if you pay the new amount - you are still going to feel beholden and as if you are contributing less than expected and will be under pressure to contribute more in food/wine, whilst at the same time it will not feel "enough" . I think that would make for an uncomfortable stay.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 22/06/2019 20:34

So that's it?
Some half arsed "we had a chat and it's all ok" explanation.
Ffs.

LaraLondon1 · 22/06/2019 20:35

Glad to you’ve reached a compromise with ur pal.

I live abroad and have fairly regular visitors - it’s quite interesting how different people are , some bring presents / wine , others bring nothing !
But when all said and done I treat them all the same & would still want visitors as life is short and I appreciate seeing old friends .

LieInsAreExtinct · 22/06/2019 20:35

Do they normally charge for Air BNB or similar (so you are effectively costing them the income from paying guests)? This can be difficult- one of my best friends is in Cornwall and spent thousands on a conversion so she no longer has a spare room as such... whereas we used to go and stay with her, we now think we'll be costing her that booking.