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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are they expecting lunch?

369 replies

PedroThePonyCowboy · 20/06/2019 14:55

Fil and step mil ask to visit to see dc, we don't invite them. They stay for about three hours and aren't that helpful/ hands on. They always say they will arrive at 12 o clock. Are they expecting lunch?

OP posts:
diddl · 20/06/2019 17:45

How busy was everyone before they retired & has there ever been a relationship between them & your husband?

Dandelion1993 · 20/06/2019 17:48

Tell them lunch time is inconvenient. They can visit at (insert ideal time here).

I never feed my in laws whne they visit. If I did that I'd never get rid of them!

HUZZAH212 · 20/06/2019 17:50

OP just tell your DH to tell them you don't like them, you think they're CF's, you'll be going NC and they can't see your DC. As thats clearly what you want.

Beautiful3 · 20/06/2019 17:52

Yes. Just make ham sandwiches and hand out crisps and biscuits.

BertrandRussell · 20/06/2019 17:52

These are the child’s grandparents. 3 hours once a month is not an excessive amount of time for grandparents to see their grandchild. And if you don't like them, why would you want to go and visit them- taking up 5 hours of your time, not the 3 it’s taking now. A chunk of which you can spend in the kitchen making a lunch of soup and sandwiches while they oky with said grandchild.

mbosnz · 20/06/2019 18:01

So, FIL, didn't have any real interest in being a father to DH, but now wants to get all the rights and privileges of being GF? And MIL is not a grandparent, unlike MIL who was the one who did the hard yards raising DH.

However, they want this relationship facilitated entirely on their own terms, telling you when (not if) they will be coming, how long for, and do not reciprocate. In fact you have made it clear to you all just how unwelcome you would be in their home.

What does DH think about this?

BertrandRussell · 20/06/2019 18:05

Not sure visiting for 3 hours counts as “all the rights and privileges of being a grandparent”!

bekindtothenewgirl · 20/06/2019 18:06

I'd imagine they feel that if they didn't invite themselves then they'd never see their GC, invitations clearly aren't forthcoming from you.

MrMakersFartyParty · 20/06/2019 18:15

Why does one 18 month old need wrangling? One child does not require a team effort..

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/06/2019 18:19

A month with 30 days has 720 hours. They ask for 3 of them. Is that really so bloody difficult.

S1naidSucks · 20/06/2019 18:19

WHAT

DOES

YOUR

HUSBAND

DO

TO

HELP?

S1naidSucks · 20/06/2019 18:21

Are you bloody politician,OP? You’ve ignored every single person that has asked what your husband does to facilitate their visit?

RickAstleyGaveMeUp · 20/06/2019 18:22

MrMakersFartyParty my DS required constant supervision at that age. Literally needed an adult to follow him around wherever he went. It was quite incredible, and utterly exhausting. He managed to injure himself enough to need stitching under General anaesthetic when I took my eyes off him for less than 5 seconds. I wouldn't have been happy if my inlaws came and demanded lunch, tea, weren't careful with hot drinks, and didn't help prevent disasters (as it happens my MIL is lovely, FIL has rapidly advancing dementia so it's not his fault he can't help). Some toddlers really are nightmare whirlwinds of danger.

S1naidSucks · 20/06/2019 18:28

RickAstleyGaveMeUp if his father was about, would he not have either looked after him or made lunch?

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/06/2019 18:31

They don’t do anything for you or invite you so they’re actually really rude inviting themselves over a lunch time. Definitely get them to come after nap time but not over a meal. Or tell them that doesn’t work for them, why don’t you come to them - Ignore objections. Or better still suggest meeting at a soft play place. 😬

You do not seem to get that you hold the ace card. They want to see their gc so it can completely be on your terms. If they were kind, pleasant and accommodating, life would be so much easier.

diddl · 20/06/2019 18:39

"These are the child’s grandparents. 3 hours once a month is not an excessive amount of time for grandparents to see their grandchild."

Maybe it is if they've never bothered with Op & her husband before?

NoSquirrels · 20/06/2019 18:41

I wouldn't have been happy if my inlaws came and demanded lunch, tea, weren't careful with hot drinks, and didn't help prevent disasters

But the OP is not alone with the whirlwind toddler and the non-safety aware grandparents. Her DH - presumably - is there too.

I think the real issue is that the DH doesn’t stop the visits or indeed help with the visits, just passively lets them happen even though his partner is annoyed about it.

Just go out, OP. Leave your DH to entertain if you don’t like them.

boobirdblue · 20/06/2019 18:42

Come on OP, where the fuck is your DH in all this?

Does he see his DF ever?

notacooldad · 20/06/2019 18:42

These are the child’s grandparents. 3 hours once a month is not an excessive amount of time for grandparents to see their grandchild."

Maybe it is if they've never bothered with Op & her husband before? But they are now or do you think it's a good idea to keep past grudges up when it looks like they are forming a relationship with the grand children, even if they are doing little at this moment.

boobirdblue · 20/06/2019 18:45

Maybe it is if they've never bothered with Op & her husband before? But they are now or do you think it's a good idea to keep past grudges up when it looks like they are forming a relationship with the grand children, even if they are doing little at this moment.

Exactly, this post could be worded. ILs have now retired they never got the chance to visit before, but now come every month.

That seems normal....

BertrandRussell · 20/06/2019 18:52

But why would they and the OP bother with each other very much if they don’t like each other and there were no children? I saw loads more of my in laws after I had children than before- because they wanted to see their grandchildren. Isn’t that just natural?

LittleLongDog · 20/06/2019 18:52

@S1naidSucks 😂

diddl · 20/06/2019 18:55

" But they are now or do you think it's a good idea to keep past grudges up when it looks like they are forming a relationship with the grand children,"

Well I don't know tbh.

If my parents had never been interested in me & there was no relationship then I probably wouldn't be falling over myself to welcome them into my home now that there was a GC that they were interested in.

However if people have generally got on but work lives got in the way, that's another matter.

sockatoe · 20/06/2019 18:59

This makes me really sad. With a 1 hour commute each way, they will need feeding and I think it's only natural for you to play host. They are making a big effort to build and maintain a relationship with their grandchild. So what if they're not "safety conscious " - it's been a long time since they had a toddler. They will get better and your toddler will become less of a whirlwind over time. Why do you begrudge them this relationship? Is it really that much of an inconvenience to your life? Why don't you suggest a different time which does suit?
For comparison, my in laws live 5 minutes away. They see my children Christmas and birthdays. They have no interest in spending that time building a relationship with them, but do with another grandchild who lives locally too. It's hurtful and unfair. My children will never be close to them or have happy memories of playgrounds, baking and all the other things their cousin gets and relentlessly tells them all about.
So yes, YABU. Time to think of your child I think. Also about what they gain from the relationship too

crimsonlake · 20/06/2019 19:10

If they call round more now they are retired this will because they now have the time to do so.
Shocked that you would not at least have the awareness to at least offer them a sandwich since they have driven an hour. Surprised given the lack of welcome they actually still visit. Each to their own I suppose.