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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are they expecting lunch?

369 replies

PedroThePonyCowboy · 20/06/2019 14:55

Fil and step mil ask to visit to see dc, we don't invite them. They stay for about three hours and aren't that helpful/ hands on. They always say they will arrive at 12 o clock. Are they expecting lunch?

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 20/06/2019 16:57

A couple of hours a month doesn't really seem very much. It sounds as though they want a relationship with their grandchild. Do they play with her when they visit.
When they come you can also go out with them to the playground, library, a cafe or wherever so you are not all in the house as that seems to concern you.

LellyMcKelly · 20/06/2019 16:58

Ham sandwiches, fruit, crisps, and a shop cake with cup of tea at the table. If you want them to do something just ask them to do it - e.g. “Mil, can you grab DC and put him in his high chair”. 1pm - off to the local park for an hour or two. Home for 2.30pm. Quick cuppa, bye bye.

Drogosnextwife · 20/06/2019 17:00

Also all this talk about a very active toddler, wrangling or wreslting a toddler? There will be 4 adults there and one toddler fgs! Send dh to make some sandwiches. It's one a month! How on earth do you usually manage to get anything done with such an active child, that you are wrestling with 12 hours of the day Hmm

FizzyGreenWater · 20/06/2019 17:00

With a bit more context, yes they sound quite irritating.

But why are you letting them call the shots? Or taking on the 'responsibility' of this yourself?

So they didn't really want to know that much until retirement, now they want to come once a month. It's ok to see that as a bit cheeky, so curb them a bit. 'No, we're pretty busy right now, how about ?' Make sure it's not once a month but more like every six weeks. Or whenever YOU say is convenient.

They suggest 12 and want lunch? Ok either you're out and your DH can decide whether he wants to make lunch or not, or you can say no, out until 2, come at 2.30. THEY fit round YOU.

Never been to theirs? 'Well it's really our turn to come to you after all this time, if you're going to be coming so frequently! When is good for us to pop in?' Be blunt. Let MIL tie herself in knots finding a way to tell you that she doesn't want to host you, but she wants you to host them every four weeks.

FIL is a bit of an arse? Go out when they come! They're not your parents.

fedup21 · 20/06/2019 17:01

So don’t you invite them then-when it suits you?

Drum2018 · 20/06/2019 17:02

I assume your Dh is there when they visit. Leave him to it and head off for a couple of hours yourself. You don't have to be there to entertain them. And surely if he's there he can make sandwiches, or watch the toddler play with inlaws while you make them. If he's not usually there then you simply arrange their visits for a day when he is home.

whitecloud · 20/06/2019 17:07

I can sympathise with the OP. IME these situations can arise because of criticism from in-laws. She may well be anxious that her PIL is going to criticise her food/way of doing things etc because he puts other people down. If your dh's family are never honest with each other or talk about how they feel it can be very difficult to go against the family norm. In-law relationships can be very tricky. I agree that her dh should take the lead and help entertain his df and sm.

Original poster
PedroThePonyCowboy · 20/06/2019 17:08

FizzyGreenWater that's what is really bothering me, that they didn't want to know us before retirement. Fil has had the bare minimum involvement in DH's life. And we aren't allowed at their house. Asking about going to their house will be a definite no, any family get togethers are at restaurant or fil's sisters house, never his.

OP posts:
northernruth · 20/06/2019 17:08

No answer as to where DH is in all this - are you actually annoyed at him, OP? Because he should be managing his parents if their visit isn't convenient, and sorting lunch.

IHateUncleJamie · 20/06/2019 17:14

@PedroThePonyCowboy

  1. Is your DH there at these visits?
  1. You have ONE toddler. Most people can manage to prepare sandwiches and a shop bought cake when they have one toddler to deal with. How on earth do you cope with a roast dinner?
  1. Have you or DH ever said “We’re busy at 12-3 but after 3 would be lovely” if you REALLY can’t manage lunch.
  1. Why not suggest a meeting point halfway between your houses?
ChiaraRimini · 20/06/2019 17:16

Oh God, my ex ILs used to do this thing of saying they would pop in for a cuppa, mid morning or mid afternoon, I would take them at their word, and then they would hang around for hours then it would be lunch/dinner time and I'd be mortified that we didn't have food in. I told my SIL and she said she would just get takeaway menus out and ask them what they wanted which was a good solution!

Jaxhog · 20/06/2019 17:16

No, you shouldn't give them lunch. No-one (not even relatives) should invite themselves at mealtimes and then expect to be fed. It is just common courtesy to leave once a mealtime arrives unless you are invited to stay for that meal. Which there should be no obligation to do.

To do it regularly is just plain rude. Especially if they never invite you to theirs!

Just give them the bums rush, or don't invite them in at all.

NoSquirrels · 20/06/2019 17:17

Isn't it rude to demand what time you arrive at someone's house when you have invited yourself?

Well, yes, a bit. But then as a host you say:

Sorry, that’s not great for us. Why don’t you come about 2pm?

Sorry, 12 is difficult with lunch and nap time. Let’s meet earlier at X for a cup of tea.

Or whatever. But really the issue isn’t them, it’s your DP. He should be telling them this/arranging linch etc.

Stop enabling and then seething!

mbosnz · 20/06/2019 17:18

Right, so what you're really annoyed at, is that now it suits them, they want to have a relationship that they've not made any effort to build until now. That you don't feel they've earned.

There is no reciprocity - you won't be asked to their place.

Yet they have no qualms in ringing and requiring you to play happy families and entertain them. You find it stressful when they are there, because you don't enjoy FIL's 'sense of humour', and MIL makes no effort to conform to basic common sense safety requirements around the toddler.

Turner69 · 20/06/2019 17:19

As pp have suggested, if it's a hassle to make lunch then maybe suggest that they visit later in the day because it's more convenient for you, or suggest going out for lunch?

However, I don't think that it's unreasonable to expect a bit of lunch if you're visiting someone over lunchtime. They are family after all, and it's only once a month for 3 hours.

Maybe you could ask them to pick up some fresh crusty bread on the way and lay that out on the table with some cheese/ham and crisps or salad, then everyone can help themselves and make their own sandwiches?

If you just don't really like them though and would rather they didn't visit at all that's a different issue to the lunch question I'm afraid!

notacooldad · 20/06/2019 17:22

*northernruth

No answer as to where DH is in all this - are you actually annoyed at him, OP? Because he should be managing his parents if their visit isn't convenient, and sorting lunch*
I would have assumed he was working.
I don't get all this belligerent attitude on MN that husbands must deal with their side of the family and wives deal with their side in terms of getting lunch or arranging visits or whatever.

In my case ( and I know everyone is different, I'm just sharing my experience) we see each other as family. Not me vs the in laws! Same with. DP. When my parents call round and on running late they are made to feel welcome and tea, sandwiches etc are offered. (Even though by attitudes here it should be MY job because they are My parents.

In this case( and I do hope it's a wind up) a set of grandparents are coming over once a month for a few hours and it's like an angry mob want to have a go at the husband. Come on how difficult is it to make a couple of butties, put some cake and biscuits out and every one sit and chat over a brew while the kids play with Lego. Well actually it's not because that's what we did when the kids were small, my friends do with their parents and in laws.

ittakes2 · 20/06/2019 17:24

I don't think they are being unreasonable asking to see their grandchildren. Some grandparents are not hands on - doesn't mean they don't enjoy being around their grandchildren. You said you do not invite them....so not surprised they have invited themselves.

mbosnz · 20/06/2019 17:26

Well, I don't have a good relationship with my FIL. That's not just me. NO-ONE has a good relationship with my father in law. It got to the point where DH and I were the only ones in the family prepared to have any sort of relationship with him, and that was solely down to the way he has treated people over the years.

Then it got to the point where he crossed the line beyond which I was prepared to have a relationship with him or require our girls to have a relationship with him.

At that point, it became entirely up to DH to deal with him.

(Of course, then he went beyond what DH could deal with, so now he's completely screwed when it comes to playing the doting grandaddy on facebook).

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/06/2019 17:27

They clearly aren't the "wait for an invite" type people. Why not just invite yourself round to theirs? Maybe they are waiting for yo7 to do that

katewhinesalot · 20/06/2019 17:27

They say "we'll arrive at 12"

You say "the kids are a handful at the ages they are. Please come at 3 instead"

They say "Don't worry about us. We'll just help"

You say "no really, you need to come at 3 when it's less stressful"

They say "No we'll come at 12 because that's better for us/the traffic is better etc"

You say "Best we leave it then as 12 is not convenient at all"

SavingSpaces2019 · 20/06/2019 17:30

dh isn't invited round, and neither are his siblings
I take it this is why you guys don't invite them to yours? 0

Why are you and dh just putting up with this then?
Get assertive and stand up for yourselves!
If DH wants them to come round - fine, leave him to it and go do your own thing.
If not, next time they call to tell you they're coming round - say that doesn't suit/work for you.
Arrange all future visits to take place in a public setting - cafe/park etc.

They're only taking the piss out of you because you let them.

DonkeyHohtay · 20/06/2019 17:32

Why wouldn't you want to offer them a meal and basic hospitality? it's almost as if you're desperately trying to avoid feeding them. So tight, miserly and unhospitable. Just make a plate of sandwiches or bung a frozen quiche in the oven.

Or alternatively, tell them to come at 2 and leave at 5 so you are spared the absolute trauma of having to offer them food.

People are weird. (And I don't mean your inlaws).

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 20/06/2019 17:33

Here are some ideas:

Just say No
Ask them to come at a different time
Serve them carrot sticks and water for their lunch
Tell them you will all visit them at their house.

How the hell will you ever cope with real problems if you can't even manage something as minor as this. Have you always been this ineffectual?

Original poster
PedroThePonyCowboy · 20/06/2019 17:43

mbosnz yes this is exactly how I feel

OP posts:
tearinmybeer · 20/06/2019 17:43

Thank you, I now fully understand what it means to drip feed in a thread.

But what I don't get is the inability of OP to answer the relevant questions in regards to this situation. Just repeating how you feel about it over and over isn't really helpful for you, OP, especially when you asked a question, albeit possibly not the relevant question.