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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are they expecting lunch?

369 replies

PedroThePonyCowboy · 20/06/2019 14:55

Fil and step mil ask to visit to see dc, we don't invite them. They stay for about three hours and aren't that helpful/ hands on. They always say they will arrive at 12 o clock. Are they expecting lunch?

OP posts:
Ihatehashtags · 20/06/2019 20:51

You sound super high maintenance

boobirdblue · 20/06/2019 20:52

If your. DS climbs everywhere on tables, on chairs, on everything..... is that why they'd rather come to yours?

snowballer · 20/06/2019 20:56

This is the most barking thread I've read for ages. Nearly 280 posts later...

OP - when they say "can we come at 12," you say, "sorry, 12 doesn't work but how about 3?"

That's literally the only thing you have to do.

As a secondary issue - the mind boggles about the tea right in the middle of the dining room table. Is this how you live all the time? Each to their own in how they parent but I'd gently suggest it's perhaps time to get a grip of your toddler. Your description of your DC is as though you're raising a large tiger - untrainable and bounding all over the place knocking cups of tea off everything with all four paws and its tail.

Bluerussian · 20/06/2019 21:00

I think our input may be upping the op's anxiety, not helping to calm her. We don't understand. Does anyone really understand someone else? Maybe not. We can, however, just accept that it is what it is and allow the OP to vent. Then maybe she can reach some conclusions for herself.

The only thing I would like to know is why the stepMIL does not allow her husband's family to visit their home. Has anyone asked her (& FIL) why? That might not be a bad idea, before it's too late. It's possible that she has anxiety and insecurities about visitors.

TapasForTwo · 20/06/2019 21:02

Regardless he can't cook to save his life

Of course he can. He just doesn’t want to - unless he is dyslexic and can’t read a recipe Hmm

I'm saying I want to tell them to come after lunch around 2 or 3

So, do it then.

To be fair the step MIL sounds awful, and the FIL not much better. You and your husband need to be more assertive and tell them that after lunch will be fine. Then when they visit you can say “next time we will come to you”, and if she says no you can say that it isn’t fair that you have to host them all the time.

MiniEggAddiction · 20/06/2019 21:05

I think people are being mean. OP sounds anxious. I was anxious too as a first time mum. The in laws don't sound like great guests either. I would just say "that time's not convenient how about 3pm on Saturday (or whatever day DH will be home)? but we have dinner plans at 7pm"

Heyha · 20/06/2019 21:21

I am feeling a little more sympathetic now as it seems OP is stuck in a situation where her DP is (by accident or by design), pretty useless and they have a DC who sounds like a tiny dictator, probably because OP hasn't had much help with them.

So for stuff that is obvious to those of us in a 'normal' context, the OP can't seem top from bottom. The PILs are just a symptom of all this rather than being the cause.

What happens with your family, OP, same problems?

HUZZAH212 · 20/06/2019 21:27

@PedroThePonyCowboy Do you and DH communicate well or not? Will he back you up if you don't feel confident to tell the in-laws lunchtime doesn't work for you?

IHateUncleJamie · 20/06/2019 21:57

@MiniEggAddiction the trouble is pps have suggested that about 200 times but for some reason the OP keeps ignoring sensible suggestions and refuses to answer simple questions. That’s why some pps are getting frustrated, not “mean”.

Notthetoothfairy · 20/06/2019 22:01

I sympathise with you, I’m not keen on any visitors, let alone the in-laws! I think pre-empt them and go to their house (perhaps for a short visit starting at 12?)

BlueBuilding · 20/06/2019 22:10

Is it really that hard to look after one toddler and make lunch? Surely you were planning to eat at some point? Just knock up some sandwiches FFS.

This thread is annoying.

SpangledBoots · 20/06/2019 22:16

We have relatives who always visit family at mealtimes. It seems as though they can't prepare meals for themselves anymore.

snowballer · 20/06/2019 22:31

But it is actually a thing people like to do - eating meals with other people, enjoying a nice lunch or dinner in good company... This thread is so weird. Why is everyone so inhospitable? "God damn all my/DH's family expecting us to cook for them when they've come to visit, they should come round and cook for themselves, and do the washing and hoover the carpet while they're at it!" Nuts!

AliceRR · 20/06/2019 22:34

OP you keep repeating the same things. As PPs have said (amongst other things that you seem to be ignoring) it’s not a huge thing to make a light lunch for your in laws once a month. However, it is within your power to say no and suggest a different time or suggest going to visit them this time or asking your DH to prepare some lunch for his parents. He doesn’t need to be able to cook to prepare or even buy some sandwiches.

AliceRR · 20/06/2019 22:35

And also so what if you have to keep an eye on your child when they’re there, presumably you do that anyway, and, again, it’s only one visit per month.

Owlsintowels · 20/06/2019 22:57

I'm with others OP.

Two points.

Firstly when they mention a visit you can reply 'great, it would be lovely to see you. Can we shift it to 2pm as we've got a busy morning?'

Secondly, your husband is capable of spreading some flora on 2 pieces of bread and sticking a slice of ham inside. He can do this 3 or 4 times, cut them in half, and empty a couple of packets of crisps pom bears into a bowl. Maybe empty a packet of cherry tomatoes into another bowl
Or if he really refused to do women's work Hmm and you were happy to enable his refusal then you could do this at 9am, pop them in a nice big tupperware, and into the fridge until lunchtime

It does not have to be complicated

Either ask them to come later, or get your husband to contribute to the running of the household, or do 10 mins prep in advance. Your choice which of these fits your preferences best

Maybe practice saying 'what a lovely idea, can we make it 2pm instead?' to people - serious suggestion. Once you get used to not bowing to someone's preference all the time you'll be amazed by how much easier life is. I get the impression you're very used to being told what to do and it may not have occurred to you that you're allowed to say no, your preferences are just as valid as anyone else's. You do not exist to say 'yes' to any request made of you

cuppycakey · 20/06/2019 23:31

Regardless he can't cook to save his life so it would be me preparing food. It's also me that cleanes the house for visitors.

This is ridiculous. Honestly you are just putting silly barriers in the way now.

Your DH is such a loser he cannot make sandwiches and open crisp packets? That is seriously what you are telling us?

And he cannot clean the house? You don't even like these people, why would you be cleaning the house before they arrive?

OP can you explain why you cannot leave DH to deal with this whilst you make yourself scarce and have some time alone or with friends? Because at the moment you are portraying yourself as Very.Hard.Work.

Femodene · 20/06/2019 23:51

This is solely your husbands issue, OP. His parents, he can communicate with them, cater for them, supervise them, stop stressing, leave them to it.

Femodene · 20/06/2019 23:56

Everyone: just tell them to come at a time that suits you/ your husband can communicate with and cater for his parents
OP:but my child is in DANGER, rugs! Tea! On the floor! I wanna get invited to their house! Tea on the floor!!
Everyone:your husband can deal with it.
OP: husband ‘can’t cook’!
Everyone: again, your husband can deal with this. No one ‘can’t cook’.

Tell your husband to communicate with his parents, it’s not difficult, jfc

HiItsClemFandango · 21/06/2019 00:07

Why did you bother to make this thread?

GreenTulips · 21/06/2019 00:07

What would happen if you dropped by FIL house while passing?
What would happen if you refused to make lunch and DH had to step up?

Why are you allowing DH to be useless? What if you couldn’t take care of the baby or were in hospital etc?

If he has working arms and legs he can learn to cook and clean and mind the baby

RosaWaiting · 21/06/2019 00:18

Op there isn’t a prize for epic drip feeds

There also isn’t an obligation to deal with anyone who doesn’t care about you, as these people clearly don’t

So tell them how you feel. Maybe go NC. Maybe it will lead to a relationship if you are open about it.

RosaWaiting · 21/06/2019 00:19

Femodene wins the thread Grin

LoveYourHome9 · 21/06/2019 00:43

I can see why this completely annoys you.
You don’t particularly want them to visit, they aren’t conducive to interacting with toddler while you play host and you can’t relax and take your eyes off toddler or them as they have proven they are unsafe.

Isn’t 12pm with a 18month old toddler the worst time in the day? At that age mine would have wanted a quiet lunch and be ready for a nap. If they stick around for 3 hours isn’t your DC just completely grouchy. Or maybe your still on a earlier nap time so it’s ok.

I would have to say, you either come at 10 for a couple of hours or after say 2pm so that DC can nap first and be at there best.

My PIL would arrive whenever it suited them. They would drive down to us, about a 2 1/2 hour drive but they’d stop for a coffee on the way so it would take more like 3 1/2 or 4. They would say a quick hello to DC then make themselves comfy at the table for tea/cake a meal etc. they’d expect me to sit down and chat but eh hello... toddler on the loose!

Greensleeves · 21/06/2019 02:03

Fuck me

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