Are they expecting lunch?

[PedroThePonyCowboy]

Fil and step mil ask to visit to see dc, we don't invite them. They stay for about three hours and aren't that helpful/ hands on. They always say they will arrive at 12 o clock. Are they expecting lunch?

This is weird

1. Just say - shall we come to you next time ? & if not why not ? But to be perfectly honest shoving out a bit of soup / sandwiches / cottage pie from the freezer I would find less stressful than driving 50 mins each way to see them. Once a month surely you can find something. Frozen Pizza? - Ruth Archer practically brought her kids up on it.

1. Ask step mil to put her cup of tea on the side table / coffee table / wherever and if she doesn't use scoop it up and put it in the kitchen whilst breezily saying - your drink is in here ( I speak as one whose FIL fell asleep on the sofa and left a glass of single malt on the floor. No prizes for guessing what staying up late crawling / toddler DS was doing. )

1. Does your DS like them? Do they like him? My PILs occasionally irritated the hell out of me but Ds loved them. & they he. I am not so bothered by the phrase "our little family" @BertrandRusell pat pending , but I do think it is ( other more serious points aside ) a very great shame to deny children a relationship with their grandparents because they ( GPs or GP in laws) tee you off a bit. Mine did - but that wasn't the most important thing.

I always tell my dad to come at 11.30, he always then informs me he will arrive at 11. Then he asks me 'what I'm laying on for lunch'! . It's once in a while, just make lunch. I get tasty rolls, tinned red salmon, cheese (just cheddar), sliced ham, tomatoes, cucumber, pickle. Then I offer to make 2 of any combination of above. DONE in minutes. If I'm feeling generous I might get some hot cross buns or posh biscuits to go with a (the hundredth) cup of tea later on!

@Spinderella78 - "Hot Cross Buns" I think you go too far Ham cheese and pickles sounds lovely to me. Posh biscuits.... clearly way over the top for a relative & I can only imagine the effort it took you to slave over putting them in the basket and bringing them home - you do know I am I hope nicely joking here - just that sometimes one can never be sure. I reckon your father is on to a good thing there - in all honesty ( and this does not make me a good person ) rather cobble some lunch together than spend 50 mins / 1 / 2 hours in the car visiting someone else for the day

What does DS lunch consist of if you can't even grab a crust and glass of water for yourself?

Have you had your child referred to specialists if you can't even make them a sandwich without them hurling themselves at the walls? I'd imagine you can't switch on your radiators as your child rushes towards them. How do you stop them drowning themselves in the toilet? How do you go to the toilet? MIL is a complete fuckwit for not sitting in her parked car with her cup tea until your child is 18.

This is one of those threads that reminds me that MN really is another world.

It's not difficult. You have several options.

1. Say no that won't work, come at 2

1. Agree to 12, put a loaf of bread, butter, ham and cheese on the dining table with fruit and crisps. Stick DC in the high chair and sit round the table for a DIY lunch. This is what lunch looks like I'm our house every day although I might add soup if we have visitors.

1. Invite yourselves over to their house. They seem more like the kind of people to appreciate that than to invite anyone themselves.

1. Get some help for your lack of boundaries. This includes your relationship with your ILs, your DH but most importantly your DC who you sounds like you needs some good parenting help with.

This thread has given me a headache!

You seem like hard work OP. Very. Hard. Work.

Either make them a few sandwiches or tell them what time suits you.

It's really not difficult.

You just need to start parenting your child. Say no occasionally when you removing him from your oh so high sofa, when he reaches for cups that aren't his, be they contain anything hot or cold, make him sit and wait whilst you get to slap a piece of cheese in between 2 slices of bread so you get to eat during the day.

What do you feed him pic he is such a handful that you can't make food when he is awake?

Make a plate of sandwiches before they arrive. Get DH to watch toddler while you do this. Cover them with tin foil and place in fridge.

When they arrive sit with them and chat pleasantly whilst keeping an eye on your step- MILs hot drink.

At lunchtime - when MIL's hot drink has been drunk - get sandwiches out of fridge and scatter with crisps and grapes. Offer cold drinks with lunch.

This is exactly what I used to do for most guests including my (now long gone) rather batty in laws when I had small children. It's a complete non-issue.

I'm not sure if everyone is reading your updates but I get it , my pil are the same with safety as in leaving hot drinks in reach of toddler so I feel I can't leave the room !

I suggest you call the shots and make the time 3pm and just buy a cake to serve up

Op, it sounds like your DH and DS (yes, I am aware he is only a toddler) need to change their behaviour to make these visits more enjoyable.

1. You DH needs to learn how to cook. Or at the very least prepare a simply buffet lunch.

1. You and your DH need to teach your DS not to climb onto and jump off the furniture.

Oh and also your SMIL needs to stop leaving tea around.

I'd serve it in the diving room / kitchen if possible.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet they are like that, expected to be waited on. With a very active toddler to deal with, and keep the house tidy for all the inlaws visiting it gets annoying.

you make it sound as if they rock up for lunch several times a week. how often do they visit?

its also normal that grandparents visit to see their DC? How would you feel when you cannot visit DS in 25 years time because his wife deals with a busy toddler and would find it annoying to keep the house tidy for you??

Please, tell us more about the tea. I don't think we understand yet. Is the tea hot? Is the toddler climbing all over things? Is it the most impossible situation in the history of history? I need to know.

So DH says they can come round and then doesn’t help make lunch or supervise child?

This whole thread is bizarre. "It would be lovely to see you but we aren't free till 3. Let's meet then"

Thread over

Asking about going to their house will be a definite no, any family get togethers are at restaurant or fil's sisters house, never his.

Then stop feeling obliged yourself.

I'm saying I want to tell them to come after lunch around 2 or 3. But people are saying I should just make lunch for them

Well ignore them. It's your house. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Eat before they come and offer them a cup of tea.

Regardless he can't cook to save his life so it would be me preparing food.

Why? You could tell him that if he wants his parents to eat, he needs to make it. If what you mean is that he has no hands, fair enough. If what you mean is that he is so useless and entitled that he literally cannot make a sandwich for his dad, then please take him out to the backyard and shoot him in the temple. It's the kindest way. (And then tell PILthat you'll be hosting the wake at theirs)

It's also me that cleanes the house for visitors.

You could... decide not to because you couldn't give a fuck? Always an option, just like shooting your pathetic DH.

Look OP, you're beginning to look like you want an argument, or want your martyrdom badge. Loads of people on here are saying yep fuck em, do what you want, they're rude so you owe them nothing. You're ignoring those posts. But the few posters who might suggest that you should host, you're all over it, why should I etc.

Why don't you look at all the posts saying fuck em, and reply something like 'You're right! I will! And I'll feel so much better!'

Not read it all but of course you should offer lunch. They may not want it but you should offer at least. You’re making a big deal out of nothing.

Yes, you need to give them lunch if they come at 12. If you don't want to feed them, say you are taking the children out somewhere in the morning and ask them to come at 2. If they come 2-5 you are off the lunch hook -- though you will still need to supply tea and biscuits! It's nice they want to spend time with their GCs.

Either make them lunch or message them and advise you will be out and should be home by 2pm at which point you will meet them. Or suggest meeting them when you are out

You can say this - you are a grown up.

Just open a pot of soup and make a sandwich. I don’t think that any time would be good for you op as you just don’t like them.
They shouldn’t be expected to be hands-on but they’d like to see their grandchild - it’s called family. YABU and a big mean.

I spent the worst 3 nights of my life in a burns unit with my 9mo who grabbed a cup of coffee that was in a side table. There were 2 adults in the room and they took their eyes off him for a matter of seconds. It was horrific so I’m a bit shocked by all the blasé responses about the cup of tea!

OP the answer here is quite simple. You don't want FIL and stepMIL coming at lunch time so next time they arrange just tell them lunchtime is no good but you will see them x o'clock.

For what it's worth I wouldn't want anyone inviting themselves round at lunchtime (or any other mealtime). If I want someone to come for a meal I invite them.

Equally when I'm visiting I ask if a particular time is convenient. Expecting to turn up at a particular time and be fed is IMO CF...

I would not do lunch for them, just ask them to call at the chippie on the way ! I sometimes don't bother with lunch,,but two fishcakes and some chips might be nice one day.

Why not?, a few sandwiches a salad and a few picky bits out on the table isn't much more work than a usual lunchtime anyway. I wouldn't go mad and do anything extravagant but a little effort would go along way towards building relationships wether they're expecting it or not.