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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling uncomfortable about amount spent on classmates birthday party

304 replies

Worstparty · 20/06/2019 13:50

I've name changed as basically I think this is very identifying as I can't imagine anyone else at all doing this... I'm keeping details obscure (sorry) because Daily Mail.

DS has been invited to a birthday party which I consider hugely (actually grossly) expensive. From what I can fathom the whole thing including 'party bags' is coming to a cost equivalent to a years school fees. We aren't at a 'destination' private school and most parents are fairly ordinary, although does include some 'rich, rich' families but I've never felt any huge difference between families.

How would you handle this? We are really not well off and the party is something we would do as a once a year holiday. I feel very uncomfortable as every other child's party is going to seem bad in comparison. My feeling is to explain to DS that we aren't as well off and wouldn't choose to spend our money like that. I feel like this amazing party is actually going to rob the joy from the whole class for the year.

OP posts:
MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 21/06/2019 17:34

If it seems like a fun party go for it! It'll certainly be an experience for your child and I'm intrigued too. A whole years school fees is going to be around or over 20,000 though right? What on earth could cost that much? Euro Disney plus hotels for 20 11 year olds? Id be interested to know the age of the kids in question.

Figamol · 21/06/2019 17:48

My kids were at a private school with millionaires and billionaires. I didn't take them to the first one they were invited to because I felt so intimidated. Seems ridiculous now.

Since then they've been to all types of parties- far too many extravagant ones but they genuinely don't know the difference and they've never asked or expected 'to keep up with the jones'. One of my kids wanted a picnic in the park last year, one wanted to go for pizza and cinema with 3 friends and one wanted go karting with the whole class. We did all of them - fun and value is different for each kid!

So my advice is don't overthink it - let them enjoy the wonderful party that most of us can't give to our kids. Tell them they are very lucky and that the parents must have saved a long time to do this.

Polyjuice · 21/06/2019 17:52

You think a kids’ Disney themed party will rob the joy of the class? The kids won’t notice if it’s in a church hall or a Mayfair hotel to be honest. They will enjoy it regardless. Your reaction is more about your own jealousy/resentment than a genuine concern I suspect. It’s a party like any other.

EllenMP · 21/06/2019 17:53

Assuming you are not being asked to pay anything for this party, it seems selfish in the extreme to deprive your DS of a fun party his friends are going to because you can't and wouldn't host the same kind of party yourself. It's taking reverse snobbery too far to punish your child (and his friend) for what you believe is undue (naff?) generosity.

caringcarer · 21/06/2019 17:54

What are they doing OP?

OhioOhioOhio · 21/06/2019 17:56

You don't have to keep up with the party to accept the invitation.

MatildaTheCat · 21/06/2019 17:56

As long as he doesn’t come home with a puppy in his party bag I would relax and let him enjoy a fabulous treat.

JinglingHellsBells · 21/06/2019 18:03

As far as I can see, no one has said if it's a trip to the US or Paris to Disney or some version of this in the UK.

The OP hasn't said one way or the other.

School fees where I live for prep schools are around £10K annually.

Is this the cost of the party?

clarehhh · 21/06/2019 18:03

Just let your child enjoy it, it would be even worse to be the one to miss out.My children once went to a party with Busted at it, had been booked before they were famous and they honoured the booking was amazing and they invited more than usual and siblings so no one missed out.

Middersweekly · 21/06/2019 18:21

Honestly just let your child enjoy it and don’t feel intimidated by the price tag! My 2 youngest are going to a party like this tomorrow as one of their friends is wealthy. In comparison my dd is having her party on the beach Sunday complete with Sausage rolls! My kids know they will never have a party like their friend but they just enjoy being all together, having a good time!

Arthur2shedsJackson · 21/06/2019 18:22

Way back in the 1980s the son of a friend was invited to the birthday
of a schoolmate who was a child of foreign royalty - the child was turning 6. The party was held at Claridges, the entertainers were a top-ranking comedian and a world famous singer and the food was lavish canapés etc.
The party bag included a remote control car, a Sony Walkman, a box of (liqueur!) chocolates and a £20 note. When I asked my friend what she’d bought the birthday boy as a present she said that she’d got him a Postman Pat lunchbox.
Quite rightly she treated it just like any other party and didn’t feel undermined by the show of wealth.

PolarBearkshire · 21/06/2019 18:27

Well if you need to feel comfortable and your childrens parties should be only ok if others have cheap parties... what are you teaching your children??? That some pool parties with celebrities will be less precious than fun fun with real friends?? Such a bizarre envious post.
Let riches spend and do focus on your ordinary life - learn to appreciate when nobody is dying and you have all you need in this life as many dont even have food or roof other their heads for their children. By certain age i would expect people not feel “uncomfortable” because how others choose to spend their(!) money .

BomBanna · 21/06/2019 18:28

I think you’re being silly... your kid will enjoy themselves and am sure the parents in question have got no ideas about ‘oneupmanship’.

My kid’s in a private primary (will be going to comprehensive secondary). I’ve thrown a couple of parties that cost a lot (not thousands but a lot & my mum paid and made it my daughter’s birthday present)... - and let’s face it a lot of parties do cost a lot, as when younger you invite the whole class.. my daughter’s birthday is in winter & I live in a tiny house etc... we hired a hall, ran a theme and things snowballed...
Anyway, I’ve also the last few years just had a couple of the girls over for pizza and movies and a sleepover, in my not very glamourous, semi-falling apart terrace :)

The kids just want to have fun ALSO, let’s face it, you are assuming the parents have spent the money... They may have got lucky and got some or most of it for free due to contacts.

I would also add that the ‘expensive parties’ I threw ended up being very stressful as I just wanted everything perfect. First child, anxiety etc. At the time I justified the cost of the most expensive party because she hadn’t had a party for the first 5 years of her life.... Laughable now & I wouldn’t do it... Then again, my current partner could probably replace an entertainer for all the kids ;)

Let your kid go, resist the urge to make assumptions and end the ‘reverse snobbery’. After all, a lot of parents reading this are going to judge you for having sent your kid to a private school in the first place.... Never mind that you might not take the lavish holidays they might do and that you may have remortgaged the house or taken out an education loan and be living on porridge and sandwiches. Different people spend money in different ways. The only think that counts is being a nice, non-judgemental person.

My two cents.

TigerTooth · 21/06/2019 18:31

Why does it bother you at all? I’m sure it will be fun. My son does go to a destination private prep and the parties are very ordinary this sounds like a one off - or a Bat mitzvah, they are often very grand affairs. Just enjoy it, your son must know what his parties and those of most of the year group are like by now. Imo you’re making a fuss over nothing.

BomBanna · 21/06/2019 18:31

Middersweekly. A party at the beach sounds amazing!!!

HippyMama90 · 21/06/2019 18:44

A whole years worth of private school fees?, I believe our local private school is around £12k a year???. If it's any where near that it's crazy, more than the cost of a lot of weddings!. But it's their money and honestly the extravagance will be lost on children, all they care about is having a great time and being with their friends.

I wouldn't be concerned about your child expecting the same just explain to him your not in a position to do so and if he has a party it will be equally fun but less extravegance.

BlueJava · 21/06/2019 18:45

Just send them - but tell them they're lucky to go, their party won't be like that!

CorBlimeyGovenor · 21/06/2019 18:47

Or, instead of it robbing everyone of their parties for the year, it could actually be a fantastic memory for them celebrating in such style. More likely however, that the kids won't really notice or know how much money was spent. I don't see any need to explain to your child that you are not as well off and that it's not how you would choose to spend your money. That would be a criticism of the other parents and could filter back. Just make sure that you don't get sucked into feeling like you should spend more on a party than you ordinarily would. Just curious,but how old is their child and what on earth are they spending the money on. Am intrigued.

Pinkpeanut27 · 21/06/2019 18:48

I think for most kids the amount of enjoyment they get out of a party is experiencing something with their friends . It doesn’t really matter to the kids what it is . Sometimes they like something new sometimes they all want the same party .

Most kids - well my kids and their friends and yes I have one in private school don’t necessarily judge cost as an indicator of how good something is .
My kids now are at the stage when I offer them a birthday that costs a reasonable amount - not a terms worth but they prefer a group of friends round for a pizza sleepover . They also don’t care if they are sleeping on tne west wing of the house or the floor of the lounge diner or even in one case a shed in the garden .

Stop feeling bad about this and as if you are or will be judged and let your child go as they would to any other party .

CorBlimeyGovenor · 21/06/2019 18:55

Dramalamarama how on earth do I get an invite to one of those parties?

yesteaandawineplease · 21/06/2019 18:57

I'm Shock that a Disney party means going to (any) Disney park over night. wow! lucky kids. agree it's extravagant but what an experience for your dc.

Putthekettleonplease · 21/06/2019 19:02

Your overthinking it. Just enjoy their hospitality.

My kids go to private school. The other families are much richer than us. We just enjoy the parties (and drink as much champagne as possible) and explain to our kids that they have more money that us.

Jasging · 21/06/2019 19:05

So we still don't know if it's Disneyland or just a hotel? If it's Disneyland I'd be worried about safety as taking a bunch of kids there wouldn't be easy. If it's a hotel then no issue?! I had my daughters first birthday at a 5 star hotel near us, there were a few comments re people thinking we had paid a tonne. In reality the price per head was cheaper than parties at our local leisure centre - well excluding the booze for adults!!

Neeb1 · 21/06/2019 19:19

Agreed! Very sensible!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/06/2019 19:25

Outing myself here, but we once booked a party for all the boys in DS’s class at a splash play venue next to a theme park.

A couple of days before the party they rang me up and said, “We’re really sorry one of the slides isn’t working. You can have entrance to the theme park as well as compensation.”

I told them there was no way I could supervise a dozen excited 6 year old boys around a theme park, so they said, “Fine then, parents too.”

I pointed out that some people would be busy with other siblings...so we got all siblings included.

We were very popular in the playground when I explained to everyone they were invited to a free day out, (we took the boys whose parents were unable to make it).