DH 'asking permission'

[BettySwoll0cks]

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

OP my BIL cycles and goes on these type trips (but not for three weeks)

My SIL, gets equal trips away.

However, like she said to me, it’s all the training etc prior to it that pisses her off more. She said he’ll cycle all day on a Saturday and then be too tired to have any real family time later. She is also pissed off that it also eats into family holidays and she’s often left sitting at home waiting on him.

If it were me OP, I’d be really be having a real think about my relationship.

do you ever actually push to do what you want yourself, do you want to do such things yourself or do you just want to be a martyr about your kids being your world?

Thats a load of bollocks frankly. I don't think OP sounds martyrish at all. I think she sounds like someone who has been trying to fit her wants round her families needs (like an adult) and is now exasperated that her husband puts himself first every time instead.
Personally, I am one of those people who really does crave time away from dc, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it especially now they are evil teens. But for years and years my annual leave was only to cover school holidays. I had offers of trips away with friends and no dc but I wouldn't have been able to either spare the leave or afford a family holiday as well, so it was a no. I had things I wanted to do. I just couldn't
That's not martydom that's parenthood.

You WILL always be at the bottom of the pecking order , until you carve out some meaningful time for yourself.

Don’t be palmed off with

“ Sure I’m happy to watch the kids for a couple of hours while you visit your mum, as long as I can go away for 3 weeks. Oh and by the way could you bath the kids and put them to bed first ? And leave out something for their tea because I don’t know what they eat. Don’t worry about my supper, the lads are coming over later and they will bring a carry out “.

The only way that men like this realise how much work it to do everything for the children and in the house is when they experience it.

Did he want to marry, or have a child? It sounds as though he wants to be single. Has he 'made those choices' without actually making those choices? Without thinking about the implications and deciding what he wants in life and what his priorities are?

My first thought was: has he forgotten that he has a child?

I really don't understand your attitude at all.
He has asked you , all you have to say is No or potential come to some resolution. If my DH went mad every time I asked him a question there would be problems and I am sure those agreeing you would also be agreeing with me.

'that sounds lovely darling. If you want to go have fun whilst leaving me to raise your child alone for 3 weeks and also use up all your leave so that we have no childcare for the rest of the year then please go. It's totally up to you.'

If he goes after that I wouldn't be there when he got back.

Have you spoken to him about this yet? Is he still in a huff.
His behaviour reminds me of my ex and it gives me the rage just thinking about it. We didn't have kids (thank goodness - he would have been a useless father) but his behaviour was similar - asking "permission", then going in a huff if I wasn't over the moon about him going on yet another drinking bender when we had DIY jobs to do at home. Moaning to friends and blaming me for everything.

It's just utter selfishness and entitled little prince behaviour.

Cheese why is it up to her to come up with a solution? He came with no solutions. Not even an acknowledgement of the hassle it would cause her. Just an assumption she would fix it for him or be the fun police

Cheese, that's what she did - said there was potential to come to a solution. He shouted at her because that wasn't the answer he wanted (which was 'yes darling, off you go and I'll wave my magic wand to make everything fit around your wishes'). He's the one who went mad.

Play him at his own game

I don't know what to say except I sympathise and knew a man who seemed to pull this sort of stunt on his wife and their many children in favour of going cycling alone for weeks on end.

I've no idea what his wife thinks or feels about this (for all I know she is happy to be rid of him!) but it gave me a very poor opinion of him which was borne out if lots of other ways over time. In my opinion, he has a real selfish, self-involved and quite manipulative streak which I've found is just general to his character. His holiday behaviour and apparent attitude to his family is just totally in-keeping.

I'd like to think this isn't reflective of cyclists in general but maybe it bears a bit of research!

If this is generally who your DH is, it's not just about the holiday - you have to look at this in the round and ask yourself if you're happy with someone with these traits that will no doubt pop up time and time again over your lives in various guises if nothing is done (by him) to address it.

I wonder why this thread detailing how poorly men can behave hasn't been picked up by the DM? If it were a bridezilla it would be straight in.

My friend just asked me if I want to go to New York with her for a pre-Christmas shopping trip. I could make it work financially and I wouldn’t feel ‘guilty’ about leaving the DC (4yr and 1yr).
However the practicalities mean DH would have to take annual leave to look after children. It would impact his ability to take leave over Christmas. Realistically I’d rather we have a long time together at Christmas, then he has to rush back to work.
Although I’m confident he’d ‘let me’ go, I decided against it and said I’d re-think when the children were older and I had a bit more notice to plan.
It’s not martyrdom it’s adulting.

why not just tell him straight "I don't appreciate you inferring that i control what you do. If you want to go away then YOU come to ME with a proposal of how YOU are going to organise/manage your parental duties for the time that you are away. THEN we'll discuss if it works for ME too. I refuse to organise or take on the mental load to sort this for you - and i refuse to be painted as someone who 'controls' you".

I think this is just one example of a general pattern of behaviour which OP is quite rightly annoyed about. A one off random request like this might not seem such a big deal but it is indicative of his priorities in general. For example OP would probably never dream of taking a trip like this and leaving her child for 3 weeks without primary caregiver. This is not an issue for her DH though because he does not see himself as an equal parent or partner and therefore doesn't have the same responsibilities. He is just a deputy asking his mean boss for some time off while she shoulders all the responsibilities and takes the blame for ruining his fun. Not on.

@SignedUpJust4This another spot-on observation.

I've had a few sweetness-and-light texts today which I've replied to quite curtly. I'm cross but I'm not in the mood for an argument. I'm not going to be put in the position of giving permission, or conversely being put upon in the absence of a plan. He needs to sort his act out and take his share of the responsibility for his child. Once he's done that, the conversation about the fucking cycling can begin.

Just tell him "Permission denied".

I think there's something going on in many of these cases, which isn't just about the way the man was brought up by his own parents, it's even deeper. It's a notion of 'motherhood' that is deeply embedded and that emerges once his own wife or partner becomes a mother. 'Mother as mother to the household and everybody in it' including the husband.

Buttering you up...

I tend to agree with you @lottiegarbanzo

It's a notion of 'motherhood' that is deeply embedded and that emerges once his own wife or partner becomes a mother. 'Mother as mother to the household and everybody in it' including the husband.

I think there is a lot of truth in this statement.

It's a notion of 'motherhood' that is deeply embedded and that emerges once his own wife or partner becomes a mother. 'Mother as mother to the household and everybody in it' including the husband.

Wow, that is really insightful. . .

My dad used to do this. If he wasn’t refereeing football, he was playing golf. He and my mum used to joke that he was the only married member of the golf club who was allowed to play on Christmas Day. My mum was a saint who thought this was entirely normal and we’re talking the 1960s here. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t get away with it now.

My friend's DH goes off on this type of trip from time to time. The difference? The DCs are grown up and his DW is free to do what she wants at the same time.

Because he's a decent guy he limited himself to the odd day's ride here and there without inconveniencing the family for the 18 years while they needed an adult at home.

Point out to your DH that in about 15 short years (unless you have another child, which will reset the clock) he'll be able to go off as he wants without someone else - you - having to pick up the slack.

It's not all beer and circuses for my friend, however, as she's now found a new role driving across Europe to collect him and a heap of twisted metal from wherever he's had his latest accident. But she seems to rather enjoy that.