DH 'asking permission'

[BettySwoll0cks]

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

tensixtysix if your kids are old enough to refuse to go on family holidays they are damn well old enough to sort themselves out when you are away. Wild camping in Scotland sounds great. Do it this year before the midges get monstrous.
And for all the women married to selfish lycra clad (boak) bike bores. I honestly don't know how you put up with it. My tolerance for this shit, where grown men make women the default housekeeper/parent is pretty much zero.

Sorry he's an absolute dickhead.

Love the idea of you working out how much time he's had away and taking similar.

It's not just that it's three weeks. It's that he can't do his share of the childcare, and that you can't have a family holiday.

And what about your DC? When my daughter was 3 her Dad got stuck in India when the Icelandic volcano erupted. He'd already been away a week and was stuck for another week. A week is an eternity for a child. By the end of the second week she was waking every night crying for her Daddy. While he was in a suite in Goa courtesy of BA (not bitter, not bitter, not bitter..........).

I think you need to explain his responsibilities to him.

My tolerance for this shit, where grown men make women the default housekeeper/parent is pretty much zero

Hear hear!

Also YY being forced to be a grown man's mum is the least sexy thing ever. And when he has sufficiently made the dynamic him=teenage boy, you= mum he may very well fuck off with a new woman who "lets" him do what he likes.
I think my reaction to being asked permission for something so stupid would be a blank look and "why are you asking me? Who is going to look after your child when you are away?" Wanker.

Luckily I can't imagine a world where DW goes off on a 3 week jaunt that I've objected to on practical grounds. If she did she'd be looking for a new wife herself not long after getting back...

Aside from anything else won't your little one miss their Daddy quite a lot if he's gone for three weeks? Sad if they won't, sad still if they will.

I'd start leaving pics of kid buggies that get towed behind the bike and saying how much DC will love three weeks, him and Dad! Have fun

I do wonder sometimes if my life would have been easier/better if I'd married a man and not a woman but then threads like these some along...

DH would never ask something like this because he knows he has responsibilities that he can’t opt out of! We share childcare, I drop kids to school and he picks up. He changes shifts during holidays so we don’t have to pay for childcare. unless life or death situation, he will never go off anywhere on a jolly. He only plans meeting friends when he knows I’m home and have nothing else on. I can’t believe people or men like this exist.

I had some excellent advice on her op and it went like this. That's fine but you need to sort childcare for the weeks you are away.
End of sentence. If they say can't you the answer is no, you wnat the time then you accomadste the children as I can't take more time off etc than I have already.
Nothing further. They wnat to go, they accomadste childcare.

Is he prepared for you to spend 3 weeks of your holidays on your own and him with the children?

Book it for before next May.
I'll even offer you a bed near Lisbon if you want to spend three weeks exploring Europe.

Book now with fully refundable hotels and flights, and present him with the associated costs too.

Mine was like that. I hated saying no and he knew it. He’s now my ex.

Ask him who he has in mind to do the childcare when he's gone and how HE plans to fund it. A nanny would be handy so you don't have to drop and collect. Tell him it's fine that he goes once these issues have been finalised. Between now and then take 3-4 (same amount as he'll have when he's away) weekends off by yourself leaving him home with dc. Make sure you do it before he goes. If you reckon he's going to go anyway, you may as well gain something from it and ensure you are not out of pocket by one penny due to childcare while he's gone. I'd also request he funds a cleaner while he's gone.

I think it's gaslighting. You point out the practical issues and he can then accuse you of telling him he's not 'allowed' to go. That would piss me right off.

He's not actually actually asking your permission though, is he? He's already going in his head.

He's just creating really passive aggressive way of making you the fun police.

Why on earth does he get to fanny around for 3 weeks leaving all childcare to you at that point AND in the summer holidays.

I would actually sit down and say quite calmly that it sounds like he's opted out of family life and being a parent. So when would he like his new single life to begin? The door is that way. -->

Totally unacceptable and the fact he's trying to you look like the bad guy means he knows EXACTLY what he's going.

My partner quite often asks to do things like this. However, he also encourages me to do the same.
Last year he went hiking in Madeira, I spent a week surfing in Morocco and a weekend with a girlfriend in Amsterdam.
We share responsibility for childcare so the other one can get a break. We both have demanding jobs and really need to switch off.

We always make sure we have at least 1 whole week of a real quality time family holiday.

What makes this even more amazing is DP isn't the biological father of DD and yet he still steps up and encourages me to have some time to be me.

It's a partnership and not a competition of who does more, who earns more, who is more tired.

I do often question when I hear people complaining that their partner does ZYZ and I stay at home with the kids- do you ever actually push to do what you want yourself, do you want to do such things yourself or do you just want to be a martyr about your kids being your world?

Think it's time you c&p'd all your posts on this thread, rehashed them into one 'letter', write it, print it, hand it to him and say

'Do you know what, let's cut the crap. The answer's no, because I'm not going to spend my time now running round trying to sort all the childcare for the holidays because you've decided to use ALLLLL your leave just to treat yourself. Before you indulge yourself with your usual whinge about how the Fun Police have just shat all over you again, read this, then have a think, then come upstairs and give me a good reason to stop packing my bag for the overnight I now intend to have in the nearest Travelodge while I calm down.'

It’s not just the 3 weeks away, it will be all the hours of training, someone being in to receive all the Wiggle parcels (that person will be you!) being sniffy about meals “I need a good quality protein heavy meal after training” etc.

The alternative suggestions of you taking equivillisnt time is very valid. But book. It now.

So many excellent points of view on this thread, thank you all. Fundamentally it makes me cross because the attitude is so selfish. It starts with "I want to go cycling for 3 weeks" and then the expectation is for me to make everything else work around him.

We seem to approach life in 2 totally different ways. He starts with what he wants and then if there's anything left over, the wife and kid get the remains. Parenting, partnering and also money, for that matter, come as and when it's convenient for him. I do it in reverse, DC/family come first, then where there's flex I might go and do something for myself (haircut, massage or something). The truth is, I don't want to be away from my DC for weeks at a time, I just don't want to be at the bottom of the pecking order every single fucking time.

I wouldnt have a problem with DP going away doing that BUT there are a load of bits and ifs attached.
The way your DP has wanted to do this trip is unreasonable and he is a twat for turning it on you.Thats nasty and to cause a row indicates he knows is in the wrong and blames ot on you to deflect his selfishness.
If he wants to go away he should have done research to how future child care is going to be sorted,how you are going to be supported while he is away, how its going to financed without having a negative impact on the family etc.
Every family is different. Some families could sustain this trip and for others it is unfeasible.
Your DP needs to be reminded about partnership work.
It may be it's not possible to do the trip next May but hold on to the dream and one day it will happen.

So, what are you going to do about it, OP?

I think your key message to him is what you have just detailed...

That his WANTS over time, money etc are always his priority and the left overs that you and DC get are utterly insufficient.

It's not the asking, it's the unreasonable amount of time, the lack of a sense of fairness, the refusal to take his share of family responsibility, the petulance and unreasonableness of throwing it back at you, the sheer selfishness.

Only you know what the whole picture is, but from this little bit of the picture, I'd say this guy either doesn't know what fatherhood entails or knows and isn't prepared to do his fair share, and certainly does not see you as an equal partner/equal human being. And I would be having a serious think about what that means for you and the family.

Also, I can see that there's a "type" who gets into cycling this way - but I don't think it's the cycling per se.

For example, my brother is a big cyclist, lost count of his bikes, calves like gnarled tree trunks, Strava star, he also works away from home then gets long stretches of leave. Does he use massive chunks of his leave to fck off on self-indulgent 3-week cycling trips? Does he fck. He spends his evenings while he's working planning ridiculous skiing/ travelling/ camping /canoeing/cycle touring adventures with his two kids - he uses his leave to take them on these amazing trip during school holidays and cover for his DW who works more normal hours but has less leave. DB fits his cycling round the family, he doesn't use it as an excuse to avoid them.

Our best friends are big cyclist tourists, but neither of them would ever f*ck off alone for three whole weeks! They plan huge cycling holidays with trailers, panniers, tents - they've done this since their two kids were tiny, with baby trailers, then follow-me attachments for their bikes, and now the kids cycle independently with their own panniers.

DP and I were big mountaineers pre-kids, 6 weeks wild camping, hut hopping and peak-bagging was the norm every single summer, a two to three week trek would be nothing - it was bliss. Does either of us now demand 3 weeks off? No, we take the kids camping in the mountains, do valley walks, gaze longingly at the tops and very occasionally take turns to spot each other a big day out - or, if we can, sneak off for a couple of days when kids are at the grandparent's.

So I would say, it's not the hobby, it's the attitude. The question is, do you see that attitude changing?

*He's just creating really passive aggressive way of making you the fun police.

You point out the practical issues and he can then accuse you of telling him he's not 'allowed' to go.*

Excellently put. I'm not going to be put in the 'permission-giving' role again. It's an utter hospital pass designed to imply that he is somehow 'trapped' by me in a situation of his own making. For what it's worth, his brothers display exactly the same twattish manchild behaviour. I'll be damned if my son turns out the same.