DH 'asking permission'

[BettySwoll0cks]

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

It's good you can see through it op. Too many women get caught in the 'don't be a nagging fishwife' trap.

My STBXH would just present me with "I'm going to do x, y or z" and just bloody do it, even at short notice, even if he knew I had already arranged to be busy or away myself (which hardly ever happened and was only ever for a day or weekend or very occasional long weekend) and would leave me scrambling for childcare.

Long weekend cycling trips, week-long skiing trips, solo weeks in Portugal blah blah, plus all the odd weekend days when he swanned off to do something or other.

It wasn't that he actually did it that pissed me off, it was the selfish assumption that he could, and that clearly he thought my free time was far less important than his own. I didn't have to pick up much slack at home as I did the vast majority anyway, but that was hardly the point!

It's irrelevant that it's cycling causing the problem. Men can be twats regardless of the hobby. In my husband's case it's golf and motorcycling. He plays golf most weekends and often goes for weeks away with "the boys". This weekend he has a trip to France on the bike with "the boys". When the kids were small it used to really irritate me but now they're grown up I relish the peace and quiet when he's away.

He is being incredibly selfish. Surely using all that annual leave means you can't have family time? There is definitely something with cycling that turns them into selfish twats!! It would be definite no from me. Actually I am getting more annoyed with this now. How come men always think they are entitled to swan off and the woman picks up the pieces arrrrgh!!! Put your foot down !!!

3 weeks??? When you have a preschooler? I think I would have laughed at the suggestion! Obviously his leave is needed for childcare unless he has some amazing alternative. Unfortunately, the luxury of a 3 week holiday is not something that usually fits with having small children. Sounds like he’s being a bit of a manchild about this. This is not you stopping him, this is just not possible!

It's the default childcarer stuff that is so shit. And the brutal fact that an awful lot of fathers parents are simply not reliably competent to do a three week stint of childcare solo without some form of minor or major neglect to the child. Default again.

Actually I couldn't have imagined really wanting 3 weeks away solo when dc were young. That's the other killer.

The problem with “then I get 3 weeks off” is that most women don’t actually want 3 weeks away from their children (some do, and no criticism obviously, but I think most of us don’t)

So when my DH suggested going on an 8 day trip for his hobby, I worked out 24 x 8, and said yes of course, and I’d be taking my 192 hours spread out over the weekends until it was used up. So he’d be left with the kids 9 to 6 on Saturdays and Sundays, for a grand total of ten weeks, while I went off to do other things

This is the perfect solution OP. Work out how many hours he’s already had off during his weekends away while you looked after the kids . Take these hours now.

Tell him you can discuss the 3 weeks away after you’ve had your time off.

Sounds like a typical man attitude, not thinking through the knock on effects. For us it was always business trips in August, messing with us taking a holiday and causing a childcare nightmare so I struggled to work

If DP asked permission I'd laugh and say no. Want to treat me like your mother, I'll act like your mother. He does what he wants, when he wants, so long as he has his share of the childcare and finances covered, and I do the same. The 'asking permission' thing as a grown ass man would drive me loopy.

DH used to do this to me when we were first together. Phone at 6 and asking if could go drinking with his mates in town, 2 or 3 or even 4 nights a week. If I sad yes, I couldn’t then complain when he came home late stinking of booze. If I said no, he could sulk, but I had to be lovely and happy because he had done what he was told and was spending the evening with me.
After a lot of thought I sat down with him and told him he had to stop asking me for permission to do anything. He had to decide for himself what he wanted to do and how he wanted to treat me. I would then decide how I felt about what he did and decide if I wanted to stay in that relationship.
It was a much longer conversation about treating me like his mum, removing my right to be cross about his behaviour etc. But it worked and he stopped the childish asking and took responsibility for his own behaviour.
Is it worth a conversation on those lines?
(Ps I’m a cyclist. The problem is not with cycling, it’s with your DH. If it wasn’t cycling, it would be something else).

Cyclist are twats.
Unbelievably selfish. Ex DH once left me to pitch a massive tent alone with two children under four.
He had decided to take a scenic detour to the campsite, he could have got the train, but no, he added three hours to the journey!!

Actually he did that to me TWICE!

My ex did this too and it builds resentment in the one left behind. It's hugely selfish, thoughtless and entitled behaviour. You should tell him so and explain you are meant to be a team, not his cycling mates.

You need to think ahead as this will happen often. Find a solution whereby either he realises these events aren't for him any more or work on a way you won't feel respect for him slipping away. Could he manage if you matched the time away every trip? Will he pay for extra help while he is away? Is he happy seeing baby's first steps on a pre-recorded video etc? You need to talk through how it makes you feel and why mainly, but the realities have to be broached.

Dd's dad ended up being a monumentally selfish prick and hasn't seen dd since she was 6mo; you honestly don't need to drag around dead weight like that. Talk it all through as calmly and clearly as you can and explain why it makes him a selfish thoughtless tit. In lycra .

Mine does a different version of this- he goes cycling in the day (gets up v early) at weekends - then expects me to cover because he is tired and needs to sleep.
He also used to try and build in the cycling/ironman trips by suggesting it was a holiday if I came and watched with DC.
I do know someone who supports their husband going away with friends to do lots of cycling trips but she is his second wife and acutely aware of need to be understanding wife...

and I would let my DH go if it could possibly be accommodated

...which was what OP said, but her manchild there sulked instead of doing the work required to accommodate it.

I would be extreeeemely fucked off with this OP, YADNBU!

He's being incredibly selfish. And you'll be to blame for saying it's not practical and he'll be moaning on to his friends about you.
If he'd suggested 1 week - then ok, that's workable. But 3 weeks and using most of his holiday entitlement is ridiculous.
The school holidays have to be managed between you both - that means both using annual leave to care for your child that you both created.

This is what happens when you become a father - life changes and you can't just toddle off for 3 weeks at a time.

I'd tell him no he can't go and he should know that himself without having to ask. If he doesn't want to do his fair share of childcare then he should fuck off back to his single life. Pathetic manchild.

OP, I really think you are going to have to be clever in how you deal with this.
He's obviously a very selfish man and certainly no prize.
God love you.

I would not get annoyed at all.

I would tell him regretfully I can't imagine how it would work?

Then I would ask him to detail how exactly he thinks it would work?

I would then show him on paper exactly how much he has been spending doing his own thing.

I would then ask him genuinely does he wish to remain married?

All the time staying calm.

This conversation should tell you what you need to know.

Then you too can make plans.

This is not going to get better for you if he continues in this selfish manner.

Tell him that if you split up he’ll have a court-ordered schedule of DC once a week and EOW. How would he manage his boys’ jollies then?
The court-ordered schedule is not an obligation on the non-resident parent, it is their right. My ex misses months of ordered contact, then rocks up for some express performance parenting and boom - gone again.
He is also a cyclist, who went away with lads for a 4 weeks cycling trip in South America when I was 36 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old and no family around. After this decided that I am a nagging bitch, and this boring family life is not for him.
Had another cyclist ex before him, who has gifted me a puppy to occupy my time with something while he is away (was working 70 hour week at that time).
I don't want to bash all the cyclists, but my guard is definitely up when a potential romantic interest mentions cycling as a hobby.

Great idea darling, I've been looking at Yoga retreat in Nepal, shall we just leave the kid with grandparents?

The part about it that I can stand is having to try and appear interested in their latest new wheels or whatever gadget they’ve got. Also all the palaver when they make a big scene of getting the bike into pieces and into the box for the plane. And then the “training diet” for weeks before the longer rides which I’m meant to be actually interested in and facilitate - “ Oh I’m carb cycling” . Then when he’s on the ride in the middle of nowhere, I get several calls a day, but it’s hard to sound interested because I can’t visualise where he is. Like yesterday, “I’m in the so-and-so desert”, well, good for you. And when they tell you in detail how they’re making sure they get enough salt, or this or that, what are you actually meant to say?

“Can’t stand” (obviously)!

So basically he can use 3 weeks of his holiday to be child/care-free, but you get to use yours for childcare?

Riiiiiiiiiiight

Depressingly, I think he will probably end up going regardless. - cos he knows that you will pick up that slack? So it doesn't really matter ifyou don't want him to go - he'll get to go anyway. No consequences.

My ex used to pull stunts like this. I was a SAHM so no probs with childcare, but I never got time away. I never got a holiday off- cos if he had to take time off work (for me to go away solo) he wanted it to be for a 'family holiday' (ie - I did the childcare on holiday too )

I chose my guy in part because he is a committed cyclist. I wanted someone who has his own hobby and who didn't want to live in my pocket. We are older though so family commitments have no bearing. We take some great breaks together where he rides and I either sunbathe, walk or potter.

How about, no to 3 weeks cycling, but looking into a family holiday somewhere he can take his bike and go off for the odd day cycling.

He's a cyclist what do you expect

You have had some good advice here but the real issue is that he is going to go ahead regardless.

He makes his choices you make yours - if he does go exactly what are you going to do about it