DH 'asking permission'

[BettySwoll0cks]

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

I actually am supportive of him doing it, if it's feasible (which it probably isn't, but you never know). It's just the attitude .... it smacks of him not having any responsibility for anything apart from himself, the rest of it is my problem to work through. I hope that makes sense. I'm still cross to the point of wanting to kick him in the padded groin area so i may not be articulating it very clearly.

Depressingly, I think he will probably end up going regardless. I wouldn't even consider doing it but then motherhood does funny things to you doesn't it. Like taking on far more than your fair share because you just love the little buggers so much you'd strive endlessly to give them everything. Which is where I've probably let this become acceptable. Damn.

@PregnantSea

It's not the fact that he wants to piss off for 3 weeks (although that's very annoying as well) it's the fact that he doesn't even bother to try and plan it himself. He just thinks "it's ok, my wife will drop everything and sort this out for me. If she doesn't then I will get angry with her because she's being a nag and stopping me from doing things with my friends".

you immediately said it better. That's exactly it.

Personally, my hobby is doing long walking routes, like the Pennine Way or the Via Francigina. But because I have kids, and mine are both in secondary school now, I can't just swan off for 3 weeks do some route, I wouldn't really need to 'float the idea' to realise that's not possible just now so instead approach it with DH as in, 'Okay, what are you goals with (his hobby) this year? Mine is that I'd like to take a week to do a section of (insert name of way) so is there a time when we can sit down and discuss how we can both work on our goals?' Or he'll do the same to me so we can coordinate things and of course, still have time for family holidays.

Our older child is off to Germany with school next week so I'm headed to Europe myself to do a section of Via Francigena with an old friend (female) whom I've done many ways with. DH has adjusted his work schedule to accommodate our younger DC's needs. In September, he takes off for a week to do his hobby whilst I stay back with the kids (older DC will be away with a sporting event for part of that).

See, that's how it works on the Planet Maturia. Your husband has much to learn.

I have a bil who did this to my sis a few years ago. He fucked off for over 3 weeks out of his 4 week annual leave on a "once in a lifetime" trip except if I remember correctly that was his third or fourth "once in a lifetime" and no doubt another one will pop up some time soon.

My sister had to bring their kids away on her own that year. That was no break for her. In fact she would have been better off staying home. At least she would have had family support. Selfish bastards. If you let him go this time next year something else will come up. Don't do it OP.

@OralB that sounds like nirvana. I can tell your household hasn't been blighted by Cycling.

I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us

Instead, assume he's already thought it through and ask him what plans he has for managing the school holidays.

Don't get me wrong, Betty, we both really love our hobbies, but unless it's something like gardening or playing bridge, when you have kids it has to be secondary to your family life that you've chosen (or you just stay single and childfree). That's just respect for each other. Again, I was married to a climber, and was a climber myself, but he didn't want to compromise anything for that so we ended up divorcing because there was NO way I'd have had a child with him.

FFS. I am a co-parent ie my son lives with me and sees his dad regularly but his dad and I are not a couple. The most I ask for is a weekend once a year that's an Important Event (annual conference) - other weekends are negotiated as to whether there's an overnight or not. When you have DC you can't just fuck off for more than a couple of days.

The truth is that this man, who has already buggered off this year, doesn't see you or his child as a priority, but secondary to his hobby and himself. I truly cannot imagine this. It's so staggeringly selfish and immature.

My dh is one of those irritating MAMILs, and to add insult to injury he also took up kayaking a couple of years ago and spends all weekend either on a bike or getting soaked in the river!

He wants to do 10 days in France this year. I said 'enjoy'

The difference is, he didn't presume.. he checked if it was ok with me.. our youngest adult son has autism and learning disabilities so can't be left overnight or without one of us around. and I work school hours. Dh works long hours and his sport is his downtime... I play the guitar and that is my downtime even though it's in the house.

BUT in 2017 when our DD2 was returning home after a relationship breakup and a right mess, and she wanted to travel the USA for two months, he suggested I went too to visit my friends. And he organised care for DS2, looked after the house, and completely renovated the garden while we were gone.

We have probably given each other the same amount of 'away' time (as his is in shorter bursts but frequent) over the last few years...because that is what is fair. Day to day I manage DS2's needs but he appreciates what I do and my 2 month hiatus round the USA was recognition of that.

That's how it should work... fair equal time, and not 'I want this and will sulk if I don't get it and blame you'!

He assumes you will pick up his slack and provide childcare, parenting, give up your potential free time and take on his responsibilities while he fucks off, not just for the three weeks when he fucks off, but the other times during the year when he should be parenting and doing childcare but has chosen to piss his leave against the wall twatting about on a bike to get out of his choice to be a parent? He chose to be a parent, so his desire to fuck off into the sunset are irrelevant, he can cry about it in the bath once he has parented his kid every day of the year and has arranged and paid for childcare on the days he fucks off. Pathetic. He’s embarrassing himself by feigning something to argue about.

I expect he says you "tell him off" if you politely ask him not to do some basic thing like leaving wet towels on the bed too. Such is the mind of a child masquerading as an adult.

Tell him to put a child seat on the back of his bike and bring DC with him. Problem solved

How selfish of him!

"Absolutely darling, it sounds like super fun. Just tell me what initial supplies you are going to need for DC and what type of kiddie cycle seat. Should we try to teach DC some French words before you both go?....
Whaaaaat? ... You mean you're not planning to be a father for 3 weeks and this isn't you bonding with your chimd? You .want. me to look after our child for 3 weeks whilst you bugger off without any parental responsibilities and dump it all in me ? Hell no! ...
As I'd like to back packing round Jamaica with my friends... For a month twice a year. Without DC.
So, when you agree to that and step up, then we can have a conversation...'

😁😁😁 Fair's fair 🤔

Tell him it's fine for him to go as long as before he does, you get the same length of time away as all his previous solo trips, to make things even first.

Waddacunt

Just go away yourself. Don’t be a martyr
Make it soon. Make it at least a week

Get him to agree to 10 days away, max.
And book 10 days for yourself too.

Then it's fair.

My friends DH was like this the entire time her boys were growing up. They are early 20s now. He would go on annual trips with mates or an extended European football watching weekend. She ended up staying at home. Then, he said he was leaving her last year. Don't be a doormat to your DH.

Depressingly, I think he will probably end up going regardless.

Why? Don't be a martyr, put your foot down! Sod if it "makes you the bad guy", so be it. He's already been away this year, and he just doesn't care about leaving all the shit work to you.

Why do women stay with men like this? These men don't care about their wives or their children, so let them be single. Show your children that this behaviour is not ok, don't allow them to grow up and perpetuate the cycle (no pun intended) where your daughters think this is what men are like, and they just have to put up with it, and your sons will treat their wives like their fathers treated their mums.

Things won't change, until enough women start saying no, and having higher expectations of what a good relationship is. And I say that as someone who did say no, twice, before I met my 2nd husband, so I do know it's not easy, but just because something isn't easy, it doesn't mean it shouldn't be done.

I've recently stopped the organizing for DP and I, just flat out stopped - no kids which makes it much easier than your situation.

I still maintain my own calendar etc, just no one else's

Its been a shambles! (for everyone else, not me)

DH is self employed so has no 'annual leave' as such, has gone and committed to taking week long holidays in October, December, x2 in January and another in February.
He's taken today off work to help FIL move furniture because ILs are getting new carpet and they hadn't considered that the furniture would need to be moved, hes also got to take MIL to the mechanic and run errands while she's without a car 'seeing as how you've got the day off...'
To make up the day off today, he's working Saturday, and he'll be a busy beaver because he's also got to do the lawns and I think hes forgotten about his sisters birthday dinner. (not that he knows where it is/what time it starts etc)

Depressingly, I think he will probably end up going regardless.

Seriously? Mine would be divorced if he went on a 3 week solo trip I’d already said no to, leaving me with sole charge of the DC. That would basically be him saying I don’t give a shiny shit about my family or what they want/need, as long as I get to do what I want.

Tell him he can go after he's tidied his room and done his homework

This

Like taking on far more than your fair share because you just love the little buggers so much you'd strive endlessly to give them everything

I read it as you are talking about your DH here.

God, I used to date a cycling mad Duncan, who is 38 now. I wonder if the book was written by anyone I know...