DH 'asking permission'

[BettySwoll0cks]

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

I'm with Inniu - tell him he can go once he's bought a comfortable child seat for his DC and wave them off.
I do agree with several other PP - stand your ground and refuse to 'allow' this holiday - unless he plans and delivers on supporting you and caring for his child.

Thats not on at all, definitely with a young child. Do not be a doormat OP.

Hobbies when you have young children take a back seat, I had a DH who played golf every Saturday, play at different courses around the countryside with the lads etc pre children.

Much to DH shock when DD1 was a baby, I said no to most golf weekends and told him he could only play every second Saturday and pointed out several reasons why (including me wanting a break at the weekend to do something I want), which he begrudgingly accepted. He then understood where I was coming from when I went on my first weekend away for a hen do when DD1 was about 1

When they started secondary school we had more time for our own hobbies but we cleared weekend plans with each other first in about a month's advance to ensure we still had family time.

This just proves the theory that virtually all cyclists are cunts. Why not ‘float the idea’ of having a live in lover for the three weeks he is away? Seriously, I don't know how anybody can marry these pricks. Stop wiping his arse for him OP.

Absolutely float the idea of a 3 week long live in lover

I wouldn't be 'allowing' him. He obviously wants to behave as if he's single.... Well give his his wish! And find someone who treats you less as an afterthought...

Please also think what role model it shows to your kids...

I grew up with a dad like this... Several very time consuming hobbies... And that absolutely couldn't be rearranged /edited it anything else...
He was just ALWAYS either physically or emotionally doing his hobby... The few times he was home he was fielding 10 calls nightly about his hobby...

Hugely damaging... No time spent with us at all..... Also gave us the strong message men did fun stuff and abdicated adultinf and women did drudge stuff....

My DH goes away quite often and it doesn't bother me at all.
However
What does annoy me is the times he comes with an idea and an expectation that I will then sit down and work out whether it is possible based on what the kids have on, what our family commitments are likely to be etc.

I Have a google calendar where I put everything and have shared it with him so he can check hinself but
He still booked a trip to visit his family with DS (another country) without checking the school holiday dates so one of us will have to grovel to the school and ask if he can miss the first day of term.

He sounds like a petulant teenage boy who's stomping his little foot and slamming his bedroom door whilst screaming "I HATE you mum, you never let me do ANYTHING!"

Tell him that if you split up he’ll have a court-ordered schedule of DC once a week and EOW. How would he manage his boys’ jollies then? You’d only do a quid pro quo swap for a week of annual leave at a time, and he’d be taking the DC then anyway wouldn’t he? He’d be better off not taking you for granted and staying married.

Or don’t tell me, his Mum would step in to do his share of parenting whenever he couldn’t be bothered ...

Exh used to do this.

It was one of his manipulations. 'Can I do this, this weekend?'. I would ask things like 'i am working, what can we arrange for the kids?' And he would say he hadnt thought that far, incase I said no.

I would say I would only say no, if he had no plan.

Then it would turn out that he had already, committed to go anyway. He was asking me, wanting to put me in a position where I couldnt say no because then it would be me controlling him or stopping him doing stuff.

He would also ask my opinion on stuff having already made his mind up and had no intention of considering my opinion.

I stopped playing his game. When he said 'can I do x this weekend?' My response started to be 'well you know I am working, so let me know what you have arranged for child care'

I refused to get involved in sorting it and refused to say 'yes or no'. I also stopped giving my opinion on stuff.

When he realised I was onto him, he upped his game. The marriage ended.

I couldnt be fuxked with all the game playing.

My husband asks if it’s okay mainly as he knows I’ll have to deal with the kids. He’s cut down his hobbies so they’re evenings only as we two of our children are disabled and the youngest quite severely. He has brought up before about getting narky if he doesn’t get to do his hobbies and that he’d end up resenting me. You need a thick skin really. I’ve reminded my husband many times that we chose to have kids so now we have to cope.

Using all his leave to follow his hobby is selfish and shitty. And his reaction to a very simple conversation about plans shows he really needs to grow up.

The thing is he has already thought it through hasn't he? He knows that means you'll be stuck with all the childcare for 3 weeks and he'll have no annual leave left for the summer holidays. It's pretty obvious isn't it. Sadly, he just doesn't care.

Considering how uncomfortable bike seats can be how come only massive dicks seem to use them?

Well obviously the answers no because he’s got a family and isn’t a single 18yo anymore.

I tell dh if he wants to be carefree go back to live with mil again. Mind you I don’t think she’d like that plan either. He’s still here.

I'd say yes as long as I can take 3 weeks the following year to do XYZ. And I would absolutely follow it through.

Ask him why he prefers sitting on a razor sharp seat hanging round with men in tightly fitting shines clothes to spending time with his wife and child.

Just laugh right in his face, tell him to stop being so fucking ridiculous his holiday time is now designated as covering school holidays as is yours. This is part of being a parent. If he doesn’t like being a parent and all that it entails he’s welcome to get on his (probably ridiculously expensive) bike and keep peddling.

I always make DH take at least 1 child with him.

It usually sees off some of the more outlandish ideas of what is appropriate for a 42 year old man to do with his free time

The thing is he has already thought it through hasn't he? He knows that means you'll be stuck with all the childcare for 3 weeks and he'll have no annual leave left for the summer holidays

It boils down to this. Well said @Coolcoolcoolcoolcool. I intend to call him out on that and start by asking whether he thinks that's a reasonable division of parental responsibility.

He’s being utterly selfish.
As a compromise; tell him to pick one week out of the 3 and fly out to meet his mates ( at the end of the trip hopefully; so he doesn’t get «persuaded» to stay on.)

Incidentally i live in France and see these peletons of men in matching Lycra. But they’re all over 60. That would explain in; «permission» only granted if they are retired with adult children.

The problem with “then I get 3 weeks off” is that most women don’t actually want 3 weeks away from their children (some do, and no criticism obviously, but I think most of us don’t).

So when my DH suggested going on an 8 day trip for his hobby, I worked out 24 x 8, and said yes of course, and I’d be taking my 192 hours spread out over the weekends until it was used up. So he’d be left with the kids 9 to 6 on Saturdays and Sundays, for a grand total of ten weeks, while I went off to do other things.

He decided not to go.

OP, your DH sounds like a child! How on earth can he think that going off for three(!) weeks and leaving you to do everything and facilitate it is at all acceptable?

My DH works shifts and I'm (full time) normal hours. Some weeks we're like ships passing in the night. He absolutely does his fair share of adulting and looking after our son. We've not had a family holiday in years, and this year he mentioned that some old work friends were thinking of going away for a week next year (the last time they did it was 5 years ago) and I told him to go for it. It's plenty of notice and I'm happy to do all the adulting because I know that I'll have a week in the bank!

It sounds as if it's all give on your part and take on his. Your job is not to facilitate his ridiculous sense of entitlement to disappear off on a jolly for 3 weeks. If he wants to use his annual that way, fine (not fine, but you know what I mean) but he absolutely cannot just expect you to use YOUR annual leave to cover his. What a buffoon.

Is this about him asking permission, or about him going away for three weeks (with an opportunity to bash him for being a cyclist)?

If you don’t want him to go, he’s asked permission, so just say he can’t.

If you don’t want him to ask permission for stuff, tell him to stop asking permission, make up his own mind if he can go or not.

OH will say “can I go to .......” and I will do the same. It’s not for permission it’s to see if that works for the other person’s diary. It’s what grown ups do.

No it is not reasonable to go away for 3 weeks with a young child. End of.

End of? Do people really say this? Surely you mean “In my opinion”?

What an absolute child, so he's not asking your permission he's telling you what he'll be doing.
I can only imagine the fuss if you decided you were going away for 3 weeks.

My grandfather spent his youth fighting two world wars. When he wasn't doing that he spent his spare time with his family. What happened to men like him? Why do we have an entire generation of whiny non entities.

This same thing happens in our house. It really irks me that I am the default person for everything family-related. Especially as we both work full time in senior roles. DH has to check with me before he goes away because he seriously does not know what commitments we have week to week. This a partner of a law firm who needs to be reminded which day of the week our children have their swimming lessons. It has been the same day for the past 18 months!!!!

(And breathe)

OP, I'd suggest to your DH that he can go once he's sorted out all childcare while he's away. Will he be preparing dinners to stick in the freezer before he goes? Organising a cleaner while he's away? Seriously. How did we allow these men to get it so good?

He shouldn't have asked. He should know himself that fucking off for three weeks when you've got a family is cunt behaviour.

Dh once winged that 'other men have hobbies'. I pointed at the toddlers sitting eating their tea:"see tjem? They're your fucking hobby."

To be fair, he's not too bad now, but will still come up ideas withoit a plan:"we'll sort it"
"How?"
"Don't know yet, we j u st will."