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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pretty certain DH has forgotten my birthday

686 replies

BirthdayBlueSx · 19/06/2019 17:39

Today is my 30th birthday, I knew my DH was due to work today but if mine or his birthday fall on a weekday he usually takes a days holiday or at least a half day as a surprise and we go for lunch. He will usually say he can’t get time off and will suprise me in the morning or will come home early.

He hasn’t taken a half day as he didn’t come home at lunch but he’s just messaged saying he’s doing overtime until 8pm. Had a chat over messages and he’s not mentioned my birthday at all. I’m not going to remind him, if he’s forgotten so be it.

About 6 weeks ago he asked me to send a gift list to him. I did with links, a pair of shoes for £50 a bottle of spirt and a box of chocolates and said that he could get them in the local supermarket. He asked me to order the shoes so I did and put them unopened in his wardrobe.

On the weekend he told me not to expect anything for my birthday apart from the shoes as he’s not had time to get anything. Despite driving past the supermarket every single day and stopping for fuel at least twice a week.

I feel disappointed, my DHs 40th was last year and I got him some thoughtful gifts, organized a suprise meal with his family and close friends and took him on a city mini-break and sorted flights hotel and sports tickets so we could see a event he’s always wanted to see and even booked the time off without him knowing a thing.

My parents gave me a card with some money at the weekend and said they would sort something at a later date for a meal out as know doubt I would bust with either friends or DH and the kids.

None of my close friends have acknowledged it either, not even any plans later in the week. They have all had their big birthdays and we’ve done spa day, cream teas, and 2 weekends away.

AIBU to be a bit sad about it that no ones remembered?

OP posts:
squirrelclub · 20/06/2019 07:59

I am sorry you had a rubbish birthday. Hope this is a wake up call for him.

LizzieSiddal · 20/06/2019 07:59

At least he’s apologised for being a grad one twat. I’d go out tonight and have a very calm talk about the state of your relationship.

He’s stressed at work.
His hobby is taking over any spare time.
He forgot his wife’s birthday and then blamed her and sulked!

Something needs to change and he’s the one who needs to instigate it.

IHeartArya · 20/06/2019 08:02

It’s good that he’s acknowledged he’s been wrong. Hopefully you can a good chat this evening.

billy1966 · 20/06/2019 08:02

OP
Not good enough.

I would be telling him he has fxxxed up big time.

I would tell him very calmly that this on top of the cycling is too much and he has crossed the line.

Stop making his life comfortable.

The not thinking of you when he pops into the shop is nearly worse.

I think you have been putting up with way too much crap and he needs a sharp dose of reality.

Honestly, with the way he's behaved I'd rather stick needles in my eyes than play happy couples across the table in a restaurant.

We teach people how to treat us OP.

I would not be allowing him to make this better with an online booking.

Take a good hard look at what he's like.
And tell him.

Let him sulk at that.

Putting up with too much crap, always ends the same way.

niceberg · 20/06/2019 08:04

I'm glad he's fessed up to being a twat OP and is trying to make up for it a bit. If he cancels his weekend away to do something special with you, then it would really feel like he gets it.

Millie2018 · 20/06/2019 08:04

He couldn’t be arsed to open the parcel and wrap them and now it transpires that you won’t even get the shoes (that you brought for yourself).
You are right, booking a table for tonight is a minimum effort task. Personally I’d be tempted to tell him to stick it.
Raise. The. Bar.

kittlesticks · 20/06/2019 08:07

I'm sorry OP. I also have a cycling DH but the obsession is up and down, we have a 2 year old and I am due any day with our second, so time spent away cycling has to come with a fairly long lead in time. I think it's a good stress buster for my DH but if it was coming in above me or the kids or my birthday I would go nuclear. I think sometimes it's important to be very direct in how you feel - and in this case I wouldn't be letting it go. It also annoys me when DH buys everything online. I have a rule that cards (Mother's Day, valentines, birthday etc) cannot be purchased from the corner shop near our house (!) as I think that resembles the least possible effort.
Wishing you a very happy birthday, 30! You're so young! Take care, put yourself first.

Xyzzzzz · 20/06/2019 08:08

Happy belated birthday. I’m sorry OP it stinks when DH forget things...men are just so self centred that’s the realisation I’ve come to recently based on my experiences.

GraceSlicksRabbit · 20/06/2019 08:13

He’s messaged me and apologized for being a twat and blaming me.

MESSAGED you? What the actual fuck? So he got up this morning, left the house and didn’t even have the courtesy to apologise to you in person, then dashed off a repentant text from the train?

Jesus Christ he’s a sorry excuse for a man.

Rosielily · 20/06/2019 08:20

He messaged you? Couldn't speak to you face to face? Where's he taking you for dinner? Is it somewhere special? I cannot remember if you have children? Will they be coming? For what it's worth, I'd just say I wasn't going tonight - it wouldn't be cutting off my nose to spite my face, more a case of setting my boundaries - my birthday was yesterday, he forgot all about it, I wouldn't go to something arranged as a very hasty afterthought. 💐🍾🥂 for you!

QuilliamCakespeare · 20/06/2019 08:23

I really feel for you OP. I had a shitty birthday too this year. DH wasn't speaking to me all day and I kept bursting into tears whilst trying to be normal for the kids and doing things with them like baking biscuits (which was probably the highlight of the day). By the time he gave me my presents (9pm) I was so upset I just wanted to pretend it wasn't my birthday at all so I didn't want them. I still feel awful when I think about it.

If I were you I'd take yourself off this weekend and do something lovely - anything that feeds your soul. Treat yourself to an afternoon tea, a spa day, or just a long walk in the sun. And obviously plenty of cake. ThanksCake

iano · 20/06/2019 08:24

I'm sorry OP. This is really sad. Do you want to go for dinner? I think that's quite a lazy way to say sorry. Stress is no excuse to treat his wife like she doesn't matter.
Hope you have a better day today!

Blinkingblimey · 20/06/2019 08:24

I really think his cycling event this weekend needs to be canned - he really really needs to have a think about his priorities and if you and the kids aren’t at the top then you need to move forward in life without him. If you let him ‘get away’ with this then it’s carte blanche to treat you like shit forever more.

Snog · 20/06/2019 08:26

With your friends I think you need to take the initiative and arrange things. It's not too late to book a spa day/lunch/day out to celebrate with friends.

As for your DH, it's difficult to understand why he made no effort. You need to ask him why and for him not to get angry at being asked. And tell him how you feel about it. I would be reassessing my relationship I think.

cricketmum84 · 20/06/2019 08:27

Yet another post that is encouraging me to file for divorce immediately if DH ever buys a bike.

I'm sorry you had such a shit day OP.

If it helps at all my DSis had an awful 30th as her bf at the time was a nobber. We threw a massive 30th do-over party for her on her 31st once she had got rid of him. Have you told any friends irl what he has done? Cos I'm sure they would be doing the same if they are anything like me!

cupofteaandcake · 20/06/2019 08:32

I'm with billy1966 on tbis, please do not let him treat you like this. I would not be going out for dinner tonight and would be using this as an opportunity to discuss how things will be going forward.

He seems to think that a meal out makes it all ok. The moment has passed, his reaction when you told him last night is telling. He sounds very selfish and respect/care for you enough. He is showing where you are in his list of priorities.

However this IS a great opportunity for you to change the dynamic. OP do you do all the organising, card and present buying, booking weekends and events? Rethink, put yourself and your childen at the top of the list.

TheoriginalLEM · 20/06/2019 08:32

What is it with cycling? Two of my ex bosses were into cycling - both wankers, i think there's something to this theory

Mary1935 · 20/06/2019 08:32

Hi Op I hope you are going to continue to do the arseoles washing and cooking.
He will think he has won you over with his one meal. I’m sorry but he forgot about you. He’s very selfish and entitled.

You need to leave him for the weekend with you children, gather your friends and go out.
You too need a hobby. Do not let it be one sided. You are as equal value to him.
🌺

Clutterbugsmum · 20/06/2019 08:32

He’s messaged me and apologized for being a twat and blaming me.

Blaming you for what, being born in the wrong day, twat.

I'd be texting him back telling if and when he can apologize for his actions and not passing the blame on to me because is his own behavior then I may consider going out tonight. But as it stands I will not be going as this not about me but solely about making himself better.

Pa1oma · 20/06/2019 08:35

OP, I’m so sorry to hear all this. My DH is an obsessive cyclist and I was just moaning about it in the other thread but, my god, if he ever did anything like this....

Don’t go tonight. Tell him to F off. Go shopping today, buy yourself some things you wouldn’t do normally. Take yourself and the kids away for the weekend. If this is too much to arrange, I would tell him to piss off for a few nights because you can’t be around him right now and need space to decide if you can move past this. He can go to a Travelodge.

RandomMess · 20/06/2019 08:36

As an aside to his appalling behaviour over your birthday. Start arranging for you to be out of the house on a "hobby" as much as he is... let him do all the donkey work including house stuff see how reasonable he thinks his hobby is then!

Babdoc · 20/06/2019 08:40

OP, it’s a Mumsnet cliche, but it’s true. When someone shows you who they are- believe them.
This man is showing you that he doesn’t give a shit about you, let alone love you. He told you in advance that he couldn’t be arsed doing anything for your special birthday. He is selfish, childish, cruel and a sulker.
He seems to me to have already checked out of the marriage. I think he’s hoping you will be the one to pull the plug, so he can pretend to be the injured party. And I agree with the many PPs who think he has an OW, or is in the process of getting one.
It is of course up to you what you do next, but in your shoes I would have blasted him into the middle of next week and delivered an ultimatum. Either he steps up as a partner or the marriage is over. I suspect it probably already is, bar the shouting.

GraceMarks · 20/06/2019 08:42

I don't think you would gain anything from him cancelling his weekend away and spending it with you - would you even want to have that time with him at the moment? A couple of days without him might be a good thing just now, but when you go out tonight, I would be having a conversation about him scaling back this hobby of his, and make sure he knows he's on his last chance.

Does he realise how much strain it's placed on your marriage?

Did he do his fair share of the grunt work at home before he got into cycling, or has he always been a bit disengaged?

Did he consult with you before he decided he was going to give himself all this leisure time to do his own thing?

Does he ever check before he goes out for 3/4 hours that you didn't have any plans yourself?

Do you get any leisure time of your own or do you just facilitate his?

Lots to think about.

doodleygirl · 20/06/2019 08:46

I think there are two lessons to be taken from this. Your husband is a piece is shit.
You need to value yourself much higher than you currently do.
This is no longer about a forgotten birthday it’s about how little you are valued by him.
You deserve so much more.

FriarTuck · 20/06/2019 08:49

Ignore all the doom & gloom brigade OP. DH fucked up & forgot your birthday. It's shit but he's human. People forget stuff, really important stuff. He's trying to make it up to you, starting with dinner tonight. Use it as an opportunity for a calm discussion on feeling loved and appreciated, and how you feel second best to his bloody bike. Tell him that you pick him up treats from the supermarket yet he buys himself beers. Point out the lack of thought on his part. But keep it calm and not point-scoring or he'll get defensive and you'll get nowhere. You've said he's normally good so don't throw that away over this; instead use it as an opportunity to get things back on course. Sometimes things have to get particularly crap to give you the kick up the backside to sort them. So sort them.
And as for all the LTB brigade - do you all stop and enjoy a good car wreck? Tell each other that the injured will probably die because you get a kick out of others' suffering? You're a sad pathetic lot.