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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Pretty certain DH has forgotten my birthday

686 replies

BirthdayBlueSx · 19/06/2019 17:39

Today is my 30th birthday, I knew my DH was due to work today but if mine or his birthday fall on a weekday he usually takes a days holiday or at least a half day as a surprise and we go for lunch. He will usually say he can’t get time off and will suprise me in the morning or will come home early.

He hasn’t taken a half day as he didn’t come home at lunch but he’s just messaged saying he’s doing overtime until 8pm. Had a chat over messages and he’s not mentioned my birthday at all. I’m not going to remind him, if he’s forgotten so be it.

About 6 weeks ago he asked me to send a gift list to him. I did with links, a pair of shoes for £50 a bottle of spirt and a box of chocolates and said that he could get them in the local supermarket. He asked me to order the shoes so I did and put them unopened in his wardrobe.

On the weekend he told me not to expect anything for my birthday apart from the shoes as he’s not had time to get anything. Despite driving past the supermarket every single day and stopping for fuel at least twice a week.

I feel disappointed, my DHs 40th was last year and I got him some thoughtful gifts, organized a suprise meal with his family and close friends and took him on a city mini-break and sorted flights hotel and sports tickets so we could see a event he’s always wanted to see and even booked the time off without him knowing a thing.

My parents gave me a card with some money at the weekend and said they would sort something at a later date for a meal out as know doubt I would bust with either friends or DH and the kids.

None of my close friends have acknowledged it either, not even any plans later in the week. They have all had their big birthdays and we’ve done spa day, cream teas, and 2 weekends away.

AIBU to be a bit sad about it that no ones remembered?

OP posts:
Dora26 · 19/06/2019 23:24

Are you sure a hobby is all that is occupying his thoughts/time because it all sounds a bit fishy to me - but maybe I have a suspicious mind...

number1wang · 19/06/2019 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovemypantry · 19/06/2019 23:27

Didn’t he even get you a card then OP?

timeisnotaline · 19/06/2019 23:27

I hope you poured his beers out into his underwear drawer. Please cancel his hotel. And don’t hang around for months putting up with this shit.

JaneyJimplin · 19/06/2019 23:27

Wow, he doesnt even care that he's upset you... what a dick.

He sounds v selfish. Obvs concerning this birthday shit, but also the fact he will stop at the garage to get himself beer but not phone to see if you want/need anything. My OH is a bit selfish, but even he would think of me in that scenario.

I hate to say this, it may seem like a leap, but I remember the first sign my OH was playing away was his attitude towards me totally changed. He withdrew and wasnt warm or kind to me anymore. In his mind, I think he was casting me as this unlikeable person that he was detached from caring about so that he could justify his actions to himself. Because of my experience, I'm probably overly suspicious but the behaviour you're describing sounds familiar to me.

BettySwoll0cks · 19/06/2019 23:33

OP that's awful. Please get cross with him, otherwise you'll bury this and the resentment will breed.

PS it's gotta be cycling. Surely. Wankers.

ginswinger · 19/06/2019 23:36

I would be sorely tempted to pack a bag and get in the car. Drive to the nearest port and get a boat somewhere then drive for a week and see where you go. It's really liberating. Tell someone you're going so your H doesn't call the police and report you missing. Relax, enjoy, revalute and decide if you want to spend your 31st with someone who sulks when faced with forgetting your birthday.

winterisstillcoming · 19/06/2019 23:37

Honestly, book yourself somewhere this weekend and tell him he's looking after the children. And that he can cancel his plans himself.

TransFannyUltrasound · 19/06/2019 23:38

What an absolute bellend.

I would be seriously wondering who he is getting up to on his hobby.

HIPPO 🦛 BATH 🛁 DAY THOUGH!!!1!

Please find something fab to do to celebrate your 30th this weekend.

🧁🎂🍰💐🌷🌹🌺🌻🍫🍷

GraceSlicksRabbit · 19/06/2019 23:38

How old are your kids? Shouldn’t he also have been involving them in your birthday?

MulticolourMophead · 19/06/2019 23:41

I hadn't considered the suspicious side of it! New hobby which needs weekend away. Late nights at work. Not making any effort in the run up to your birthday, despite knowing and talking about it. Forgetting the actual day itself. Seems like he's got something going on.

I also thought along these lines. The hobby seems to have become very intense very quickly. OP mentions he goes out for 3/4 hours at the drop of a hat, but I'd be concerned that some of that time was used for something else....

SecretLimonadeDrinker · 19/06/2019 23:42

Happy birthday @BirthdayBlueSx hope you enjoy a birthday do over tomorrow. 🥂🍰

BeaLola · 19/06/2019 23:44

So sorry you had this happen for your 30th.

Treat yourself to fab things to do , wear, see & do from tomorrow onwards etc as others have said. I would be furious. Birthdays are special - & yes theres loads on Mumsnet who disagree etc but its your Birthday. It doesn't take a lot to be a little thoughtful. I feel your pain. My birthday is next month & whilst he won't forget my DH will leave it to the very last minute inc day itself to think about what to buy me …………….

321zerobaby · 19/06/2019 23:49

Wishing you a happy birthday 💐

Kyogre · 19/06/2019 23:50

I know it’s completely on your DH that he forgot but if you had reminded him in the morning then he could have fixed things and you wouldn’t have ended up having such an awful birthday. I think you cut off your nose to spite your face... I don’t understand your motivation for dragging the whole thing out? Was it to punish him or to make a point? He was a dick to forget but why not deal with it immediately?

If my DH had forgotten to say happy birthday in the morning I’d have teased him mercilessly and probably would have ended up with a big apology and an extra nice present or meal.

ginnybag · 19/06/2019 23:55

From my husband to your husband, OP... 'You utter fucking prick!'

Take his head off his shoulders, OP and don't let him turn it around and play the vìctim.

You agreed to be married to a man, not a sulky child; your children deserve a fully functioning adult role model, not a weaselly, self-indulgent teenager.

Stand your ground, insist you deserve better and if he is a man, and worthy of you, he'll own the mistake, genuinely apologise and work damned hard to do what he can to compensate.

Anyone can fuck up. We all do. The measure of the person is in what happens when faced with that. Who is he, OP, and who are you? He can forget your birthday, but don't let him make you forget yourself your self-respect in the process.

Happy birthday! May your 30's be fabulous and you with them!

LarkDescending · 20/06/2019 00:00

OP hasn’t cut off her nose to spite her face. She told him well ahead of time what she would like for her milestone birthday. He announced last weekend that he was going to do fuck all about it (handing her the shoes she ordered for herself doesn’t count). He didn’t forget.

Why would her saying something this morning have prompted him to “fix it”? If he wanted to fix it he would have done so while thinking about it at the weekend.

Sorry this happened OP. I would be furious. I hope you have told him you won’t be making any effort in things that matter to him. After all he’s not allowed to feel let down if you’ve told him in advance.

RolyWatts · 20/06/2019 00:21

So sorry you had a shitty birthday @BirthdayBlueSx.

30 is not one day - it's a whole year. If I were you I would spend this one extricating myself from this man/child. On my 30th birthday something similar happened to me. I'm not materialistic, I'm not even particularly into birthdays BUT there was a clear lack of affection and respect that I didn't want from a life partner. I walked away. Over a decade on I have no regrets.

What is his shit teaching your kids - that everyone else is important and special enough to have birthdays except Mum? You deserve so much better.

I have never had such disregard for a partner/friend/family member as to completely ignore their birthday. You are only 30....is this it?

tigerbear · 20/06/2019 00:32

@kyogre are you fucking kidding?
Why should it be OP’s job to remind him?

RolyWatts · 20/06/2019 00:46

@Kyogre not all of us wish to mother our partners.

Ravenesque · 20/06/2019 00:53

I'm hoping his hobby is potholing and that this weekend he gets stuck down one. Utter fucker.

dragonway · 20/06/2019 03:41

He’s had loads of notice it’s your 30th. You even had to buy your own present! Why didn’t he involve your kids in planning something? Even a little tea party. Your kids just missed out on the excitement of celebrating mums big birthday. So not only has he screwed you over, he’s screwed them over too. What’s going on with him that he thinks it’s ok to do that? He doesn’t sound like he loves you very much OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/06/2019 04:03

Fucking hell, op. I'm so sorry. Your husband is total shit. I sincerely hope you realise that this is not how a marriage has to be. You're only 30 years old! Don't waste the next 30 years with a man who doesn't give a fuck about your happiness.

billybagpuss · 20/06/2019 06:10

so you order your own gift, he doesn’t even remember to say happy birthday and he’s the one who gets to indulge in a sulk!!

Hope today is better for you op

Did the kids do anything for you?

billybagpuss · 20/06/2019 06:11

And I’d probably return the shoes in a fit of pique but that’s just me I hope you’re still able to enjoy them.

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