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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother-in-Law insistent on not taking off shoes...

551 replies

FirstBabyOnTheWay · 19/06/2019 14:59

MY MIL is lovely, she really is and we have a great relationship but whenever she comes to ours - in wind, rain, sunshine - she will not take her shoes off.

Once, she trod mud through our house and the carpet is still brown in that area - it had been raining horrendously.

We are about to buy a new house, with all new carpets and have a new baby due in August.

My DH asked her to remove her shoes but she won't... I don't know what to do? I am actually having the entire bottom floor done in wood because I am too terrified of her messing the carpets up as she destroyed our old ones. (They were filthy and a carpet cleaner wouldn't bring out the mark).

I don't want shoes in the house with a new baby and we show her round the top floor will be cream/beige carpets!

How do I address this? We are allowed shoes in their house and they have carpets from before my DH was born!!!

HELP... AIBU??????

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 19/06/2019 15:53

My shoes are a part of my outfit, and as such I truly resent being asked to take them off. I spend good money on nice shoes, why should I then take them off and trod around in bare feet? Particularly on someone elses' floor/carpet where I don't know what's been on it

are you for real? peoples bare feet or socks have been on it.. how dirty can a carpet be if people don't wear shoes in the house?

unless said house is home to hundreds of pets that run in and out all day...

oh and I would insist on people taking off other garments if they were as filthy as shoes that had been outside. DP does not sit on our sofa in his work clothes EVER and they aren't even that bad. Have a bit of respect for peoples houses!

CassianAndor · 19/06/2019 15:53

I don't think the OP is in Canada or Japan, though, is she? So really not terribly in the least relevant what happens in those two countries.

Maybe their houses are better constructed and not draughty. My bugbear with being ordered to remove my shoes is that I know within about half an hour my feet will be fucking freezing.

I think it's rude to ask people to go around in socks or barefeet unless you have good underfloor heating, and switch it on. And yes, I've been in carpeted houses that have floor draughts and are cold.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 19/06/2019 15:53

We're a shoes off house but I'm not bothered if the odd person doesn't want to.

It sounds a bit daft to blame the baby. Are you never going to let your baby out on the grass or in a creche/soft play. Once they are on the move they are on the floor where ever you are. Once toddling they will lick lamp posts and whatever else they can get their chops around.

WyfOfBathe · 19/06/2019 15:54

Tell your MIL in advance and she most likely will not visit you at all. If my daughter told me that, I know I would not.

Really? Your relationship with your daughter is so weak that you would end it over having to take your shoes off?

Hortz · 19/06/2019 15:55

I'm a shoes off person but I'd struggle if it was wooden floors as I find hard floors cold.
I think this needs tackling away from the front door if you see what I mean.
Perhaps she isn't taking you seriously?
Next time she visits tell her how much this bothers you and ask her if she would keep some slippers or perhaps trainers at your home to wear when she visits. You can also try to explain why you might want hand washing around the baby (does she have dogs?). Explain that she doesn't have to agree with you but it matters to you and you'd like her to respect that.
I blush at the memory of my PFB rules.....

Myyearmytime · 19/06/2019 15:56

OP
Have you seen her take he shoes off standing up and put them on again standing up.
It really is hard to do as you get older.

Tinkobell · 19/06/2019 15:56

@bringthethunder....so you put your personal vanity at higher consideration than the homeowner, who might have saved up for years for a new carpet....just to have you potentially walk street crud everywhere? Would you like that for your home?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 19/06/2019 15:56

Get. A. Doormat.
and don't get cream carpets, you will regret it.

CassianAndor · 19/06/2019 15:56

Tell me, OP and other shoes-off people - are you planning on not allowing the buggy wheels to touch your floors? Or will you disinfect those on your doorstep? What about if you have a wheelchair user in your home (one of DH's good friends is a wheelchair user, should I be telling him not to wheel his filthy wheels into my living room?).

CornerofUpandDown · 19/06/2019 15:56

I grew up in a shoes off house and never encountered people who were resistant to taking their shoes off. 🤷

To pp if someone asks you to take your shoes off their flooring is going to be a lot cleaner than a house where shoes are worn. To insist on keeping shoes on and tracking goodness knows what in is far ruder then adding someone to take their shoes off imo.

OP stick to your house rules and be firm, of she wants to see her grandchild she'll get over her resistance (and maybe have your DH ask her what her resistance to taking her shoes off and see if there is a way to mitigate it.)

Original poster
FirstBabyOnTheWay · 19/06/2019 15:56

@DeadBod My DH asked her and she ignored him and when he asked her again I wasn't there but she apparently said no.

I am worried about us taking a stand in the new house incase she doesn't visit and that would be awful for my DH. I also wouldn't want the rest of the family talking about me and saying she doesn't come round because 'you know what she's like about shoes'.

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 19/06/2019 15:57

Wyf why not? People on here are more than willing to wreck their relationships with people rather than allow them to keep their shoes on. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander...

Original poster
FirstBabyOnTheWay · 19/06/2019 15:57

@Ninkaninus Yes... this sounds better and more what we should do. I am just scared of upsetting her!

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 19/06/2019 15:58

Tell me, OP and other shoes-off people - are you planning on not allowing the buggy wheels to touch your floors?

mine stayed firmly in my hallway. It didn't go anywhere near any carpet, and yes I mopped the hallway floor often because why the fuck would I want dirty wet floors?

KC225 · 19/06/2019 16:01

I loathe taking my shoes off. Unfortunately now I live in Sweden where its mandatory. I have got around it by taking 'house shoes' fancy flats and saying, I haven't worn them outside. That seems perfectly acceptable.

doskant · 19/06/2019 16:01

@CassianAndor You're missing the point. It's got nothing to do with germs. The OP doesn't want shoes in the house. It doesn't matter what her reasoning is. It's her house. MIL doesn't care.

That is the issue.

Original poster
FirstBabyOnTheWay · 19/06/2019 16:01

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl Definitely not! The buggy will stay in the porch!

OP posts:
LoafofSellotape · 19/06/2019 16:02

Up to you about the shoe rule but don't worry about your baby, by the time it's crawling it won't make a blind bit of difference if someone has worn shoes or not on a carpet it crawls on. Honestly.

LaurieMarlow · 19/06/2019 16:02

Its a bit by the by, but why on earth would you get in cream carpets with a new baby? Or cream carpets full stop?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 19/06/2019 16:02

One doormat outside. One doormat inside.

Ask her to use them.

We have a basket for shoes by the door, as most of us prefer being barefoot at home. It works like a suggestion to people they could take their shoes off, but I wouldn't dream of insisting. In the UK, I'd also find being presented with some other random stuff to put on my feet, frankly, weird and rude.

tillytoodles1 · 19/06/2019 16:03

My father was even worse. He came round one day and I made him bacon on toast , next thing he's leaning forward, legs open and stuff dripping onto the carpet. I said "Dad, what are you doing"?, he replied "I didn't want the fat to drip on my trousers" OK, so ruin my carpet instead! In reality I just asked him to use his plate,

Original poster
FirstBabyOnTheWay · 19/06/2019 16:03

@CassianAndor what has this got to do with wheelchair users in my house! Or even buggies for that matter - which will be in the porch.

This is to do with new carpets and shoes on in the house which I don't want.

I find your comment very unfair.

OP posts:
doskant · 19/06/2019 16:04

Okay @CassianAndor. Reverse it then. OP goes to MIL's house. Traipses mud through the place and ruins her carpet. Doesn't offer to clean it. Comes back in and traipses mud over it again. Still no remorse. Continues to do it despite MIL asking her not to. Who is ruining the relationship in this case?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2019 16:05

Tell me, OP and other shoes-off people - are you planning on not allowing the buggy wheels to touch your floors? Or will you disinfect those on your doorstep? What about if you have a wheelchair user in your home (one of DH's good friends is a wheelchair user, should I be telling him not to wheel his filthy wheels into my living room?).

Hallway or porch for the buggy. People using walking aids or wheelchairs are very welcome. Because those aren't treated as 'outerwear' rather as an extension of the person's bodily autonomy. People who would struggle to remove shoes or have another reason, also welcome.

Whole swathes of the world can do this. It's not insurmountable. IME Canada they have 'mud rooms' on the way in, Japanese households and North African you remove at the door and there are slippers/carpets depending on culture.

Do people keep their hats, scarves and gloves on inside as well?

DarlingNikita · 19/06/2019 16:05

Fuck what anyone else might say or think. It's your house and she's rude.

I agree with the pp who says just say 'it's shoes off in the new house' and stand looking at her expectantly. Just don't move to let her past until she takes them off.