AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

[LazyDaisy29]

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

I'd have said to him, right, a party costs £180. You can either have a party or a bike. Which would you prefer? A bike that you can use for years and play on every day or a party that will be over in 2 hours? Then I'd have had a smaller party for him at home.

Well I feel sorry for him. Any 8 year old would want lots of presents to open! Not in anyway judging the OP, as you have tried your hardest to make sure he has a a nice time. He'll get presents from his mates at his party and that will cheer him up! Don't beat yourself up about it OP. It's nearly always impossible to get it right with kids (in my experience).He's going to have a fab party!!!

Firstly I’m sure every single one of you have get disappointed at some point in your life cause you can’t have something

Yes. You are absolutely right. I have been disappointed to the point where I hold back tears. Disappointed I don’t have a daughter without Cerebral Palsy. Never been disappointed to tears over a gift.

I certainly wouldn’t be disappointed that my mum had “only” bought me small gifts.

Surely he recognises by now that his cousins are well off and get more than him? If you haven’t magnates that expectation, that’s your problem. Instead you want to try and keep up with the Jones’

We are well off, we could easily spend that much on a party and buy a standard bike. DD was been well warned that even the merest hint of ungratefulness for gifts and they will be taken away. She tried it when she was 4 and has never done it since.

You can make them chose between the 2 big items, bike or party, but can't you blame an 8 year old to be disappointed he gets nothing else?
Part of the birthday fun is to open gifts, it sounds a bit like a let down to have nothing else.

It’s fine for you to feel sad he was a bit deflated at his small pile of gifts.

It’s also fine for a child just turning 8 to not really have a firm grip on family finances and to be a bit disappointed.

I am 100% certain he’ll feel better later.

@Goodlookingcreature

I don’t think it’s a particularly nice trait in anybody to have that level of expectation

^^that is a really nasty thing to say about a child only just 8, especially coming from a person who gets their hair blow dried twice weekly and left because they kept her waiting too long

But my opinion is it’s his birthday, he’s a good boy and deserves something special! Second hand is not special no matter how you look at it

I agree with PP, this is about expectations. You think that a brand new bike is better than a second-hand bike plus additional presents. But have you considered that he may have a different idea about what would make it the best birthday possible?

It's a good opportunity to have a conversation and find out whether he'd prefer more, slightly cheaper presents, or (as you think) fewer big brand-new presents. Then you'll know for next year, he'll know what to expect, and he'll understand that his cousins have chosen differently.

Disappointed I don’t have a daughter without Cerebral Palsy
oh come on, let's be fair here. He's EIGHT years old. We know a lot of 8 years old live in war zones, in extreme poverty and so on, but how is that helping. He's allowed to have feelings.

Maybe he had told his friends at school he was getting a bike and that was why he was upset. Who knows what goes on inside the head of an 8 year old? I don't think you have spoilt him either- you are just trying to do the absolute best for him- which you clearly are and it is obvious that you love him to bits,.

And with regards the cousins, OP ... one of the best pieces of parenting wisdom I ever received rings very true here -

Comparison is the thief of joy.

From his point of view, will there be any pleasure in having a pristine beautiful new bike that he has to be careful with and can't use properly in case it gets stolen?

Sometimes there is a lot less stress having a secondhand bike. Especially with an 8 year old who might like to use it to play with friends and not have to be obsessive about it. As others say, he will soon grow out of it and need a bigger one anyway.

You are possibly projecting your disappointment that you don't get to see his pleasure at having a brand new expensive bike (maybe better than cousin's?) onto him. He is young and will easily pick up hints that he is being short changed if that is how you feel.

He needs to set the bar lower.
If mine get a big party, they get a small present.
It is their choice they either get a large present and a tea party or a big party with a small gift.

that is a really nasty thing to say about a child only just 8, especially coming from a person who gets their hair blow dried twice weekly and left because they kept her waiting too long

LOL

Second hand is not special no matter how you look at it

Second hand (infact propbably fourth or fifth hand) was very special to me as a child. All my bikes were - and were given as Christmas/birthday presents - as a child. I got my first new bike at 11 when I passed my 11+ and need a bike to get to school. I was delighted with everyone of them.

I also have DCs with birthdays around Christmas - you have to budget throughout the year. You can't just say you can't have much because it's Christmas too!

You also need to manage DCs expectations. Every 8yo will be excited about their birthday and want lots of presents. Money is not the same at that age. Did he know he wouldn't actually be getting his bike on the morning of his birthday?

WTAF is it with posters on here slagging off and attacking children. You see it on every thread. It's sick. Punish them, they are spoilt. Make them work, brats. Fucking hell.

From what I can see this kid got a party and a twenty quid present to open from his siblings and three little presents from a family member. Many kids would be disappointed at that age,

Second hand is not special no matter how you look at it

DDs adapted trike would have cost £1200. We bought a second hand one, in perfect condition for £650. You bet your arse it was a special gift. She was absolutely delighted to have it.

he’s gutted with all the stuff you’ve done for him and given him?
Sounds like you’ve spoilt him already.

Learn from this and nip it now

....why on earth would you give an 8 year old £100 in cash?!?

Massive leap there, Happyspud! We barely buy DD anything through out the year (only child) so are more generous come birthdays and Christmas. We buy the best we can afford and she's learned to look after her belongings and respect things. They are played with/read to death but when they move on to eventually be sold or given to younger cousins they are pristine still.

You can have nice things and wish for more (as I'm sure 99% of posters on here have at some point) and not be spoiled (sp?!) or entitled.

I can give my children an expensive party and an expensive gift but they never get both. Some years they get neither. And I still think I have spoiled my kids too much as they don’t cherish the gifts we buy them (at their request).

Some of the posters make you wonder what crappy life they give their kids if they need to be taught about disappointment from an early age and never EVER be given anything nice that would spoil them.

I am guessing that bitter attitude is much worst in the long term than posters providing a happy home and who are not afraid to treat each other from time to time.

I get what you mean OP, I think you’re getting a rough time on here. The actual amount you spent is irrelevant and I don’t know why some posters are getting their knickers in a twist about it!

You have a budget that suits your family, you’re teaching your son that principle but at 8 years old, he’s allowed to express a little disappointment whilst he starts to realise what choosing how to spend that budget means in terms of numbers of presents. And it sounds like he expressed it really maturely.

As parents, we just want to make our kids happy, especially on their birthday. I’m sure he’ll have a lovely day and hopefully a great party!

*@Bluntness100 *

totally agree

I'm a bit stunned by this post. At what point did it become acceptable to equate expressing love for one's child with spending huge amounts of money on them?

Make him feel special and loved in other ways and cut the materialistic obsession now, is my advice. Teach him the value of money by allowing him to earn it in return for certain jobs, eg cleaning out a cupboard or washing the car, so that he can save up for special things he wants. Make sure he knows what things cost, within reason (starting with bikes), and how much you earn and spend on things like food. It's never too early to learn budgetary lessons.

Seeing others who have more money than oneself and not minding that is a life lesson that should be learned early. As should being grateful for what we've got, rather than focusing on what we don't have. Having a bit less than what our friends/relatives have is not a reason to weep, unless we are so poor that we are going without the basics.

And as others pointed out, there is nothing wrong with getting bikes 2nd hand. Apart from anything else it is an environmental lesson that we don't all need to buy new every time we want something.

I think you are influencing him with some values that will not help him in life. Sorry to be blunt.

I don’t want to get him a cheap bike and I don’t want to get him second hand! That doesn’t make him spoilt and that doesn’t make me a bad parent

You are trying to achieve something here - your son being happy, excited, and feeling amazing on his birthday. And as PP have said, you have used the wrong tactics and ended up with him being disappointed.

You saw him envy his cousins opening 40 presents (I might have missed what they have in terms of a party?). What did you do in response?

Allow him a party swallowing a big chunk of the budget.
Fixed YOUR aspirations on a new bike - that he can't see until he buys it tomorrow, because you're ARE too snobby to accept second hand as 'special'.
Bought him a single other gift from his sibling.

Psychologically, it sounds like he would have been thrilled by a second hand bike, and a reasonable pile of assorted 'whatever 8 year olds like'.

You can insist that you did the right thing all you want - it's no skin off my nose. But IMO, you played it wrong here tactically if you wanted the outcome of an excited birthday boy.

(I do totally get that a kid enjoying their birthday is no bad thing - my parents could never push the boat out, but seeing the wrapped pile of whatever was exciting!)

I think the error here was £180 on a party. He asked for s party, it didn't need to be expensive.. A cheaper party, and he would've had a bike to unwrap this morning