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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t

349 replies

LazyDaisy29 · 19/06/2019 09:01

I have always set limits for birthday and Christmas’s and been quite strict with what I can afford and what I give them!
It’s my sons 8th birthday today and he asked for a party, so we booked him a party of his choice costing £180
He also wanted a bike but I couldn’t afford both and limits are normally £200 for present if they don’t have a party, so we gave him £100 and asked everyone else (nans and grandads etc) to give him cash so he could go and get a bike!

I got him a £20 toy to open from siblings!
And he had 3 small presents to open from a family member but nothing “great” just small things

He has got up this morning and looked gutted, he was trying hard not to cry, I think he thought he would have a lot of presents

I’ve explained that he will get more later and he’s got his party. I can see he’s trying really hard not to let his true feeling show but I can’t blame him he’s 8!

We went to his cousins birthday early in the year and they had loads of presents to open, and I could tell then that he felt jealous of how much they got

My husband thinks I’m over thinking it and he will be fine later when he gets more money from people
But I feel like he’s 8 and if he’s got a picture of what birthdays should be like then I want to be able to give him that

OP posts:
BlueSkiesLies · 19/06/2019 10:57

Better a second hand bike than no bike!

Hopeygoflightly · 19/06/2019 11:03

DD is getting a second hand bike! It's a 'posh' brand and not something that I would spend that kind of money on new.
What about recycling? What about re-using and saving resources? What about us all not endlessly buying our kids tat and stuff and more stuff when our planet is choking?
Don;t know about your son but my 9 year old does actually care about that kind of thing and understands getting second hand toys or clothes etc.

Hopeygoflightly · 19/06/2019 11:03

The first brand new bike I owed was the one I bought myself at 30! I'm sure you;re son will cope.

Pinkmouse6 · 19/06/2019 11:05

Second hand bikes are fine. I got my DC one for Christmas, they outgrow them constantly anyway. I don’t know why you needed to spend that much on a bike. Your DS sounds fairly ungrateful.

gib1973 · 19/06/2019 11:07

I think that you are getting a bit of an (unfair) kicking here. Maybe the title of your post has wound people up. You have stated more than once that your son was grateful, said thank you and didn't cry. I agree with the previous person who said that 8 year olds like lots of pressies to open. I hope your son has a nice birthday :)

BubblesBuddy · 19/06/2019 11:10

All these millions of kids bikes just end up in land fill. I’ve seen lovely Second hand bikes that are hardly used. It means you could have bought the bike on the day! If you won’t consider it, you are teaching your DC the wrong attitude and you need to have s rethink. Will you be buying him a new car at 17? Or a new house at 21? Or Savile Row suits rather than M&S? Just talk to him about priorities and how to make the best choices with the money available and recognise it’s not all about you. Most people have lovely DC who deserve presents but having new is sounding like spoiling. Could you not have bought second hand books and smaller things for presents?

federationrep · 19/06/2019 11:11

What MinisterforCheekyfuckery said upthread.
I've used the "you can have the bigger present if you don't have the party" argument with mine and they've gone for the present every time. It gets harder as they get older and the presents get more expensive and smaller. Keep the bigger picture in your mind, he got presents this morning, time and presents later with family, bike to come, party with friends to come. Compared to a pile of presents this morning, stuff he probably didn't want or need, unwrapped in minutes, no celebration with his friends. I know what I'd go for

bigKiteFlying · 19/06/2019 11:13

My kids have found second hand special. So I do think you are being a snob with that attitude.

Best birthday for my DS was a bit down at start. We do days out or parties - DS younger than your DS was having a day out but it got moved and taken over by IL so wasn't really a special day for him more family day out.

I got a money off coupon and DH was around so I decided last minute as he'd been a bit quiet before school to picked them up from school and walked into town and went to pizza hut.

He turned around in middle of meal beaming at me – that night he spontaneously hugged me with this huge smile and told me it was the best birthday ever.

I think he just wanted something to tell his friends about next day in school - it wasn't hugley expensive as so many mid week deals but it was something different for him.

So I'd worry less - chances are later on he'll be full of the party - and he'll have forgotten this morning while you're spending all this time stewing over it.

GabsAlot · 19/06/2019 11:17

Then you explain that that many prsents is spoiling his cousin and its to much for one child

My sister was spoilt its ru8ined her she thinks shes owed something all the time-£100 in cash plus a party plus more cash form family is plenty

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/06/2019 11:17

Just because you can spoil them, doesn’t mean you should

Totally agree with this. Sorry, OP, but you've made a rod for your own back here. Him 'holding back tears'; because he didn't think he had enough presents is awful. You have created a spoiled little boy! How are you going to live up to his expectations in future for milestone birthdays etc?

Time for a reality check. It doesn't mean you can't do something special or make him feel special, but you don't have to throw money at him to do that.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 19/06/2019 11:19

Could you not have bought second hand books and smaller things for presents?

Look, I'm massively "frugal" but even I would draw the line at 2d hand books for my child's birthday present. And, as great as second hand bikes can be (my DS has one) I think most people would buy new if it's the main birthday gift.

sergeilavrov · 19/06/2019 11:23

@LazyDaisy29 - I disagree with the pp who want you to explain even a glimpse of your financial situation to your DS who is 8. I think that is something for parents to know, and children should remain out of that. That could cause a huge amount of stress for the child, I know it did with me when my parents were too informative about our financial situation.

It's so hard when you want to give your child the world. That doesn't change regardless of spending power, there is always something you wish you could give them (not necessarily material) that is out of reach. You sound like a lovely mum, it's hard when kids see people close to them getting something they don't have - that's normal, and his reaction was very grown up. I can tell you're proud of him. I hope he has a fabulous party, and enjoys bike shopping!

CruellaFeinberg · 19/06/2019 11:30

If I saw my child look disappointed and just told him to suck it up and stop being daft I think would make me a horrible person who’s child would feel like they couldn’t show me emotions

If I saw my son looking disappointed after he chose to have a £180 party, £20 present and £100 for his 8th birthday, I'd be furious

I earn a reasonable amount of money, my dc birthday budget in full is £100

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/06/2019 11:30

OP I don't think he sounds spoilt... I don't think thats the problem here.

I think you've failed to manage his expectations, you haven't explained clearly enough on a level he understands, what he was to expect.

THAT is why he was a bit crestfallen, not because he is spoilt.

You have arranged things differently so that he understood that there was a budget, and asked him if he'd prefer to unwrap a bike on the day or save up longer and go on a shopping trip for a different more expensive bike after his birthday.

You'd easily get a decent boys bike for under £150, brand new, so you could have budgeted better there even with a party.

dottiedodah · 19/06/2019 11:31

People will be saying here that you spoil him,however I get it ,you want him to have the "loads of presents" thing like his cousins!, However I think this is one of those occasions when there will always be someone with "more".Are his cousins family very wealthy ,or is it all on credit do you think.Just say Happy Birthday ,put all his cards up and start to arrange the party later on .He will soon cheer up!.I think too many presents is not always a good thing TBH. A nice cake ,lots of friends to see ,is what makes a birthday really I think. Presents can be forgotten about in a few weeks and he has his bike as well!

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 19/06/2019 11:31

Some posters are awful, it's the usual competition to the bottom on MN. Hmm Just because you only got a lump of coal on your birthday when you were little doesn't mean everybody should.

he's 8, he's allowed to feel disappointed and should be praised for not acting like a small brat, he just doesn't know how to hide his feelings too well. He's still little enough that the cost of the party is not the first thing he had in mind this morning.

Once he has his party, it will feel a lot more like a special birthday.

I am sorry, but I don't include the cost of parties in my kids presents. It seemed to him that he didn't get anything from his parents this morning - I would have added a couple of books, maybe some haribos, a tshirt, just a few small bits to open because it's just a nice thing to do.

i don't believe posters who are so mean are so ridiculous in real life. It's not spoiling kids to let them open a few presents, it's once a year for god's sakes.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 19/06/2019 11:33

If I saw my son looking disappointed after he chose to have a £180 party, £20 present and £100 for his 8th birthday, I'd be furious

I would be horrified is an 8 year old was more chuffed by cash than by a present, even if they know what it means and understand the value, it's awful if they are taught to appreciate cash!

BadLad · 19/06/2019 11:35

this year is different cause he’s watched his cousins open over 40 presents each

Fuck me with a penguin bollard

Is this one of the cousins?

AIBU To want to spoil my child and feel gutted I can’t
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 19/06/2019 11:36

If I saw my son looking disappointed after he chose to have a £180 party, £20 present and £100 for his 8th birthday, I'd be furious

You'd be furious with an 8 year old child for feeling disappointed, not even expressing it, just feeling it? And parents wonder why their old children/teenagers don't talk to them about their feelings.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 19/06/2019 11:39

older not old

MarthasGinYard · 19/06/2019 11:39

Why are you focusing on these 'cousins' you keep mentioning Op.

Seems silly

Di11y · 19/06/2019 11:40

I guess I'd have got him the bike and had a quiet word with family to give money to me direct and told him it's joint from everyone.

he'll get loads of gifts from friends at the party I presume.

QueSera · 19/06/2019 11:40

It's a matter of expectations - he didn't realise that you can't have a big party, big gift and lots of other gifts. Kids just need to learn that big spends like a party or a bike mean that there aren't LOTS of other presents. You are giving him lots, it's just all wrapped up in the party and bike. You can't have do all that PLUS loads of other gifts. You just need to explain this to him, most likely he doesn't understand money and the cost of things, this is a good chance to discuss these things. He could choose more presents next year, but it means no big present and maybe a smaller party or no party.

Happyspud · 19/06/2019 11:43

Why the necessity to pile shame on the OP????

Em, people should be ashamed of giving kids piles and piles of ‘crap’ (and it is crap because even if it’s expensive kids treat it all like crap simply from getting too much). Have you seen how much waste there is when parents do this and how little kids value their many many belongings these days. And how horrific the landfill situation is. People doing toyroom clearances ahead of Christmas with literally bags and bags of stuff going straight in the bin. It’s frankly disgusting.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 19/06/2019 11:46

people should be ashamed of giving kids piles and piles of ‘crap’

True, but not all gifts have to be "crap". You can give a little pile of gifts to a child that is not made of tat. The 2 have nothing to do with each other.