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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? Mil calling my son fatty (not his nan)

142 replies

H4nn4hH · 19/06/2019 08:19

AIBU? We visited my partners parents at the weekend and we took my 14 year old on with us so he wasn't on his own all day. My son is a little on the chubby side but working hard currently to rectify this, he's also very quiet, polite and sensitive. We arrived, my son walked in said hello to everyone and then sat on the sofa to play games on his phone, we told him to only cover one ear with his headphones so he would still hear what's going on around him. MIL walked in, made a comment about how he was wearing his headphones incorrectly then said "anyway, hi fatty, move over and let another fatty sit on the couch". I kept my mouth shut as to avoid making a scene on fathers day but took my partner outside and told him how angry I was. It was agreed he would deal with it the next day. We only see his parents about 4 times a year with the distance between us, MIL has met my son a handful of times in the last 6 years. I asked my partner yesterday if he had done anything yet to which he said he would sort it straight away. Apparently MIL is devastated to have upset anyone and just thought she was being funny, it was just a laugh yet she hasn't reached out to make amends. I don't think it's funny or was said in jest, the last 2 occasions of going to visit, when talking about my sons she has asked "which is the fat one and which is the skinny one again?". It only came out last night that my partner had never spoken to her before about this issue even though he told me he had. Now I'm not sure whether to believe he has dealt with this or not. I think MIL is being nasty and nobody should say something like that to a child, let alone one you are about to be related to, this is also the woman that on the one and only occasion I visited them on my own, she had a wedding photo of my partner and his first wife who have been seperated for 7 years in pride of place on the mantle piece, I've never seen this picture anywhere in her home in the previous three years whilst visiting. My partner and I are currently not speaking due to him backing his mum over this matter. Am I being over sensitive or am I right to be angry and upset for my son?

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 19/06/2019 08:23

I don’t think she meant it like how you think. It’s not a great thing to say but my parents say it as in ‘shift over’ and none of us are even slightly overweight.

Bluntness100 · 19/06/2019 08:25

I also suspect she thought she was making a joke. She's upset it was taken the wrong way. Let it go now.

Teddybear45 · 19/06/2019 08:28

You’re being oversensitive precisely because he is fat, but as she called herself a fatty too she was clearly just making a joke. Your DS probably hears a lot worse at school or from his mates.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 19/06/2019 08:29

I'd let this one go (on the surface) op, but keep an eye open for future comments.

It is quite possible she meant nothing hurtful by it - such comments were more commonplace around 10-20 years ago, and old habits die hard. She's surely had time to adapt to the modern world though....

Birdie6 · 19/06/2019 08:29

A little off topic, but why take a 14 year old to visit people he isn't related to, "so he wouldn't be alone". Most 14 yr olds I know would be delighted to spend the day alone.

cherryblossomgin · 19/06/2019 08:31

I don't think you are being over sensitive. I was an overweight child and relatives would make comments about it. It stuck and caused alot of issues around food resulting in an eating disorder.

ittakes2 · 19/06/2019 08:31

After 20 years if having a m’n’law thé advice I have to you is - speak up at the time. You are family now - if you don’t think of yourself that way then how can you expect them to think of you that way. For your son’s sake he needs to know you have his back in public and show him how to stand up for yourself, for your sake you need to speak up to her so it does not eat you up inside and for your partners sake you need to stop trying to get him to broker a realionship/conversation with his mother on your behalf. She was wrong/she made a mistake - you pull her up. And tell her the photo upsets you.

EleanorReally · 19/06/2019 08:32

i dont blame you for being upset.
you say he is overweight and you are working on it.
small steps with that, steps being the key, encourage him to move more, perhaps if you all move more it might be helpful

Ihatehashtags · 19/06/2019 08:36

Very rude and inappropriate. I’d be fuming if my parents or my husbands parents said that to any of my kids.

PuppyMonkey · 19/06/2019 08:36

Don’t agree at all about it only being a joke and you should just get over it, OP. It’s rude and thoughtless. If she feels upset that you’ve pointed her mean comments out and didn’t like it, boo hoo. Keep pointing it out.

AltheaVestr1t · 19/06/2019 08:40

I would also be very unhappy about this, and would not be taking him again. It’s hard enough bringing up a teen with body confidence without thoughtless comments like this.

Ohyesiam · 19/06/2019 08:40

I’d go with the tackling it there and then opif it should ever happen again.
My mum comes out with some outrageous things I turn to her and say “please don’t body shame anyone .did your mother never tell you not to make a personal remarks when you were a child ?”
she gets really really embarrassed because she always told me not to my personal remarks as a child.
She literally can’t describe anybody or any situation without Describing their physical appearance. every doctor she sees has a “great big bottom “ ow a “lovely black face”

Honestly nip in the bud now don’t worry about ruining Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day, it’s up to them what they say, they have control over their vocal cords.
Yadnbu

Original poster
H4nn4hH · 19/06/2019 08:41

Normally I would leave him on his own but with it being so far away and my parents are currently on holiday I asked him to come with us on this occasion, there are other reasons but they are personal to him so won't be posting that. If he had said he didn't want to go, I wouldn't have forced him

OP posts:
zingally · 19/06/2019 08:42

You are being too sensitive - but I can see why.

Firstly, a 14 year old is more than old enough to be expected to sit on a sofa and listen to/join in with small talk, and not be plugged into a device. If any of the teens in my family did that when they came to visit my home, I'd find it very rude.

As for him being called a fatty... You said yourself, it's true.
Ask yourself, who is more upset? You? Because you got backhandedly called out for allowing/making him fat? You still have parental responsibility, so some of the current "blame" for his size falls on you.
Or is it him who is upset? Has he told you he's upset?

And finally, although it's no excuse, it's a generational thing. Older people make comments like that, not intending to be hurtful. Should they do it? No. Will they carry on? Probably.

And the reason your partner hasn't addressed the comment with his mum? He agrees with her.

QueenBeee · 19/06/2019 08:45

Sounds deliberate if she always comments like that when you meet up.
I would phone her yourself and list the previous occasions and say you are very angry at her rudeness. Then hang up, don't get into a discussion with her claiming not to know.
Horrible behaviour -who would ever do that to a DGS, who would ever do that to a 14 year old??

SpiderPlant38 · 19/06/2019 08:46

1 It's a joke and not meant harmfully. A quiet word about DS being sensitive about his weight would sort it out.
2 Don't understand why a 14 yr old would be brought to sit in an adult living room with headphones as opposed to being home??
3 "Not speaking" to your DP about this is ridiculous
4 Why shouldn't she have a photo in her own house of someone she liked and of a day that made her happy? (You also had a previous relationship that you are presumably not ashamed of)

QueenBeee · 19/06/2019 08:46

Should have added I'm older generation!

NottonightJosepheen · 19/06/2019 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zebedee88 · 19/06/2019 08:50

Hmm I can see why you're sensitive and upset...but it is true. Maybe it's the way my aunt is with me but if she said that to me I would have been fine...I'm a bit overweight and so is she.

diddl · 19/06/2019 08:50

I think that you were very, very rude to let him sit there polaying games.

As for the comment, I think it was an odd thing to say, although not necessarily meant badly if she was also calling herself fatty?

CherryPavlova · 19/06/2019 08:53

You’re being silly and over sensitive. No wonder we have a snowflake generation. Why drag him along?

I call my very beautiful and slender daughter fugly in jest. That’s fat and ugly; she taught me the portmanteau by telling me to “move up Fugly” so she could sit down. When she rings she says ‘Hello Fuggs’. My other daughter says ‘Hello smelly’. I don’t smell of anything but soap, water and scent generally.

NottonightJosepheen · 19/06/2019 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bridgetreilly · 19/06/2019 08:55

I think it's very interesting that you do not mention at all how your son felt about this comment. Which seems to me a lot more significant than your response to it.

Plipplopbop · 19/06/2019 08:55

Yes it was rude but it doesn't sound malicious, more thoughtless. Also possibly trying to bond a bit calling herself fatty too? As mum to a similar age boy I would think it very rude for him to have an electronic device out when visiting people. Perhaps she thought you were rude?

Seeline · 19/06/2019 08:55

I don't know what counts as older generation these days - I'm in my 50s.

I think it was rude. Especially to a child. And just because a child doesn't show hurt at the time, doesn't mean it hasn't hurt them. If he is overweight he is probably subjected to comments at school, and has learnt it is best not to react, no matter how much it hurts.

You are his mother, and it is down to you to protect him. You should have spoken to your mil at the time, but as you didn't you are going to have to raise it with her now. As she refers to him as the fat one, it is obviously not a joke.

However, I also think it extremely rude to allow your DS to plug into his phone all day. At 14 he should be joining in with the conversation.