Aibu? Mil calling my son fatty (not his nan)

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AIBU? We visited my partners parents at the weekend and we took my 14 year old on with us so he wasn't on his own all day. My son is a little on the chubby side but working hard currently to rectify this, he's also very quiet, polite and sensitive. We arrived, my son walked in said hello to everyone and then sat on the sofa to play games on his phone, we told him to only cover one ear with his headphones so he would still hear what's going on around him. MIL walked in, made a comment about how he was wearing his headphones incorrectly then said "anyway, hi fatty, move over and let another fatty sit on the couch". I kept my mouth shut as to avoid making a scene on fathers day but took my partner outside and told him how angry I was. It was agreed he would deal with it the next day. We only see his parents about 4 times a year with the distance between us, MIL has met my son a handful of times in the last 6 years. I asked my partner yesterday if he had done anything yet to which he said he would sort it straight away. Apparently MIL is devastated to have upset anyone and just thought she was being funny, it was just a laugh yet she hasn't reached out to make amends. I don't think it's funny or was said in jest, the last 2 occasions of going to visit, when talking about my sons she has asked "which is the fat one and which is the skinny one again?". It only came out last night that my partner had never spoken to her before about this issue even though he told me he had. Now I'm not sure whether to believe he has dealt with this or not. I think MIL is being nasty and nobody should say something like that to a child, let alone one you are about to be related to, this is also the woman that on the one and only occasion I visited them on my own, she had a wedding photo of my partner and his first wife who have been seperated for 7 years in pride of place on the mantle piece, I've never seen this picture anywhere in her home in the previous three years whilst visiting. My partner and I are currently not speaking due to him backing his mum over this matter. Am I being over sensitive or am I right to be angry and upset for my son?

Another saying deal with it yourself at the time.

Nobody should make derogatory comments on anybody else's body, and if somebody had called me fatty I'd have gone and had comfort food, so it's not exactly helpful.

I was a chubby child and it really stuck with me when relatives would comment jokey things about my weight , I'm
Sure they thought they were hilarious but for a 13 year old girl it was horrible

She was out of order and if I was you I would have to say something - you are his mother and although he's 14 he still
Needs some protection

As for him being called a fatty... You said yourself, it's true

So what? We don’t go around pointing out people’s big noses, huge hands or sticky out ears, do we? Whilst it sounds like this was a joke taken the wrong way, just because someone has some kind of ‘imperfection’, doesn’t mean they need it pointing out to them constantly. Bullying is what it would be called in school or in a workplace.

We arrived, my son walked in said hello to everyone and then sat on the sofa to play games on his phone

WTF? That's way more rude than someone saying "move over fatty" as a joke.

I actually think she sounds dreadful, and I don't think you should let it go. I'm also pretty disgusted that your partner reassured you he'd dealt with it, and that was a lie -- my ex did something similar and it infuriated me. I think you should tell her partner under no uncertain terms that you expect his mum to apologise to your son, and to you. This will ensure he has spoken to her, and then reiterate that he's not off the hook for his lies either. Your poor son! Children shouldn't be shamed by anyone, let alone near enough relatives.

Yanbu ! "Fatty" was always an ignorant term.
The photo of him and his ex is very insensitive. She sounds like a bitch. Avoid.
I wouldn't even bother going into one with your d.p. He probably knows she's like this and he will get the message if when he suggests visiting, you casually say, oh I don't think I'm up for it, thanks but no thanks. Rise above her.

As for posters saying well it must be true and yous should settle for it, wtf! Even if a teenager was a perfect weight, how would it still be ok ? I bet she wouldn't make that comment to an adult or in anyone else's house. Cowardly

I can't understand the focus on your bringing your son with you. It has nothing to do with the question asked.

It was rude.
Quite simply rude.
Some people know this, others don't.
When you know better, you do better.

I would not be happy at rude remarks directed at my son.
I also wouldn't be happy with my partner not agreeing with me and supporting me.

Wouldn't be happy at all.
I would let your partner know this very clearly.

I avoid rude people. It makes for a simpler life.

I would never make that comment to a young teenager who is likely to be sensitive about their body image BUT it sounds like MiL had no intention of causing offence and it was thoughtless rather than malicious. Unless DS has ASD or some other condition that makes socialising difficult it was very rude to let him sit in the room on his phone with headphones in (even half in) especially when he had just arrived.

As to MiL she sounds like she's expressed that she meant no offence and won't make another such comment - what else do you expect her to do now - come round grovelling on her hands and knees begging for forgiveness. I would just let it go and maybe think about your own manners next time you visit.

I don't think she likes you and was insulting your son to get at you. Especially as she has mentioned his weight before.

I would be telling my husband I won't be going back to her house. He shouldn't have lied about the first time either, is he scared of her or something.

Like a PP, I was also wondering if your son said anything about it to you himself, also does your husband-to-be have children with his first wife? She's allowed any photo she chooses, especially if there are grandchildren from that marriage, you can't wipe his first wife out of existence!

It wasn't an ideal comment no, but she also referred to herself in the same way so I don't think she meant it to be insulting. You don't like her, that's really clear here. Definitely comes across that you don't think she prioritises you and your children over his first relationship ('about to be related to').

You could have tackled it gently at the time without making a scene - oh, he's sensitive about his weight so please don't joke about it - that's not a scene, which makes me wonder if you make a really big deal out of things like this normally?

Also, when you don't like someone, people can be looking for offence constantly - and it might be true here.

What did your son say about it, OP?

Dh and I call each other rude names all the time. The difference is, we know it's just fun, it's never about bodies and it's part of how we relate to each other. I do not subsequently go around calling people I've only met a few times the same names, ar anyone for that matter.

To call a child a fatty, even in jest, even if referring to yourself too, is actually quite cruel IMO. I would not let it go without an apology.

My granddad's partner when I was about the same age as your DS once asked me if I didn't have a boyfriend because I was so fat, then proceeded to take me shopping and buy me pregnancy wear. This stuff stays with you.

I think that’s awful. If a grown woman doesn’t have sufficient empathy to understand that calling teenagers fat is inappropriate, she shouldn’t see them.

It was an idiotic comment, and potentially hurtful, but probably not meant maliciously - some people are just a bit inept in their humour.

I don't think you're being oversensitive at all, OP: this isn't the first time she's called your son fat, and even if your partner hasn't pulled her up on it anyone with a bit of sensitivity should know that it's a hurtful thing to say--especially to an adolescent child, who has so much to deal with without this nonsense.

I'd tell her myself that it was rude and upsetting and that she needs to apologise, and I'd tell my partner that he needs to back you up and not be such a wet lettuce. But most of all I'd tell my son that she was rude and hurtful and he doesn't deserve it, and I'd not take him to visit her anymore. I'd be tempted to stop seeing her myself, to be honest.

YANBU she was rude. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not that your son is overweight, or that she is, it’s rude to say that.

Personally I’d avoid them all like the plague and wouldn’t go round at all.

It's a joke and not meant harmfully

Yes, that’s what bullies say.

Those saying the OP is being over sensitive, did you miss the part where the MIL had said “...which is the fat one...” in relation to OPs sons? Insulting this boy seems to be becoming a habit.

This woman is rude and mean.

We arrived, my son walked in said hello to everyone and then sat on the sofa to play games on his phone

He's 14 so this is extremely rude.

It is just a saying, not only used where overweight people are involved. Just as when someone sits or stands between two others and says "a rose between two thorns" I used to think the person saying it thought they were better looking than the other two..it is just a silly saying.

It was insensitive but not all overweight people see being overweight as the most terrible thing ever and consequently may not consider "fatty" to be a grave insult.

Going against the grain because i was a fat child. These words stay with you for the rest of your life and I'm sorry but it's your job to speak up for him. My mother never did and it still hurts 30 years later

I don't think you're being over sensitive. She's just plain rude. She has referred to him as fat more than once. He has a name so she can bloody use it 🤬.
Both my nans are right bitches and would say horrible stuff like that. They're vicious little pigs.

He's not polite OP, he sits in a room full of people, playing on his phone, not bothering to shift up a bit so an older relative can also sit down. Did he even hear her say it?

I think that by making a huge deal out of this comment, you are drawing more attention to his weight. It's not ideal, but she called herself fatty too, so it was obviously just a way to get him to shuffle up. I think his behaviour is worse, tbh, and you are finding it easier to focus on her comment than to deal with his manners and diet.

Yabu because you should have causally said something at the time since it bothered you.
She also referred to herself as a fatty therefore I doubt it was said with malice, more likely a bad joke.
It is healthy to speak up for yourself, being married or in a relationship doesn’t mean you lose the ability to have your opinions. Speak up if you are not happy, that is not your dh job.

We arrived, my son walked in said hello to everyone and then sat on the sofa to play games on his phone, we told him to only cover one ear with his headphones so he would still hear what's going on around him.

This is rude of your son. Until he has made the effort to strike up conversation with people he's visiting shouldn't be putting headphones on and playing on his phone. He's not 5.

In fact younger kids I am related to and know invite other people to play on their phones/tablets/handheld consoles first as an excuse to then play on them themselves.

MIL walked in, made a comment about how he was wearing his headphones incorrectly then said "anyway, hi fatty, move over and let another fatty sit on the couch".

You are being over sensitive. Your MIL called herself fat as well.

If she just said "anyway, hi fatty, move over and let me sit on the couch" then you would have a right to be offended.

You do however have a DP issue. He should not lie to you about talking to people about things. If he doesn't want to talk to anyone including his own mother about things that concern him, you or your children he should simply say so and you need to respect that he doesn't want to. You need to respect that everyone has a different relationship with other people to yourself.

She was being quite tactless which isn't nice but I don't think she meant any harm as she called herself, "Fatty", too. However, in your position I would have said something like, "That's unkind, he is trying to lose weight. You've said similar before, please don't do it again", rather than expect my partner to do it. Had you done that I doubt she would say it again.

You can't leave everything like that to your partner, you're the boy's mother and need to speak up. It would all have been over in less than five minutes.