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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? Mil calling my son fatty (not his nan)

142 replies

H4nn4hH · 19/06/2019 08:19

AIBU? We visited my partners parents at the weekend and we took my 14 year old on with us so he wasn't on his own all day. My son is a little on the chubby side but working hard currently to rectify this, he's also very quiet, polite and sensitive. We arrived, my son walked in said hello to everyone and then sat on the sofa to play games on his phone, we told him to only cover one ear with his headphones so he would still hear what's going on around him. MIL walked in, made a comment about how he was wearing his headphones incorrectly then said "anyway, hi fatty, move over and let another fatty sit on the couch". I kept my mouth shut as to avoid making a scene on fathers day but took my partner outside and told him how angry I was. It was agreed he would deal with it the next day. We only see his parents about 4 times a year with the distance between us, MIL has met my son a handful of times in the last 6 years. I asked my partner yesterday if he had done anything yet to which he said he would sort it straight away. Apparently MIL is devastated to have upset anyone and just thought she was being funny, it was just a laugh yet she hasn't reached out to make amends. I don't think it's funny or was said in jest, the last 2 occasions of going to visit, when talking about my sons she has asked "which is the fat one and which is the skinny one again?". It only came out last night that my partner had never spoken to her before about this issue even though he told me he had. Now I'm not sure whether to believe he has dealt with this or not. I think MIL is being nasty and nobody should say something like that to a child, let alone one you are about to be related to, this is also the woman that on the one and only occasion I visited them on my own, she had a wedding photo of my partner and his first wife who have been seperated for 7 years in pride of place on the mantle piece, I've never seen this picture anywhere in her home in the previous three years whilst visiting. My partner and I are currently not speaking due to him backing his mum over this matter. Am I being over sensitive or am I right to be angry and upset for my son?

OP posts:

Lizzie3869 · 19/06/2019 10:40

It was unkind of her, even if she called herself a 'fatty' too. I think people who weren't overweight as teenagers don't realise how sensitive an issue it can be for them. I was, and my parents used to make unkind comments about it all the time.

For the poster who said his mates will be saying worse things, there will be bullies saying worse things, not mates! And home is supposed to be a safe place.

He shouldn't have been wearing headphones, it's true that that was rude, but don't divert this. He's a teenager whereas the OP's MIL is an adult.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/06/2019 10:41

Was he embarrassed OP.
I would have a quite word with MIL then move on.

federationrep · 19/06/2019 10:45

Giving her the benefit of the doubt since she used the term to refer to herself as well as your DS so it hopefully wasn't malicious. I was called chubby, chunky, fatty when I was young which left me with life long poor body image so even in jest these comments do do harm. I found old photos a while ago, one was my P1 sports day and I can see that I look like all the other weegirls, the other when I was a cousin's bridesmaid and I was so self-conscious at the time, but I was finally able to look and say "hell yeah, I rocket that fuchsia pink ruffled meringue the best". It's taken me decades to get to that point.
You should be the one to deal with this. I would have waited until I could get her on her own and told her to stop referring to DS in derogatory terms. You clearly can't rely on DH to deal with this so your options are a) let it go but keep supporting DS to make healthy choices and bolster his self-esteem b) go back to her now and have it out c) plan what you'll do the next time DS and her have to cross paths.

Imaysnapandfart · 19/06/2019 10:47

YADNBU. You have a MIL issue and a DP issue. This clearly wasn't just an off the cuff remark as you say she's made the distinction between "fatty" and "skinny".

I'm so sick of people being called a snowflake because they're upset - you can't invalidate someone's feelings just because they're not in line with how you think they should react. And also the older generation being excused because they are the older generation - oh, that's just how it was in their day. That doesn't make it right!

I don't care how old you are, it's not ok to insult someone, and to body shame someone. You're never too old to learn how to behave appropriately.

As PP have said, these comments stay with you from childhood. I was a slightly chubby 14 year old and comments like that contributed to my lifelong eating disorder.

Shame on those of you who don't see anything wrong with this.

GabsAlot · 19/06/2019 10:55

I thought fugly was fucking ugly but anyway-

She doesnt sound like she likes you or your son very much what with the comments and the picture-if your partner hasnt got your back in this what else will come along that he wont back you up on

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/06/2019 10:59

She's upset that its been taken in the wrong.

Good. She deserves to be upset. Maybe from now on she might think before she goes around saying what ever she likes to people. If she wants to insult herself that's up to her.
Imagine if this were the other way round and ops son had called her fatty. He'd be verbally dragged over the coals for disrespecting a sweet old lady, and You can't deny it.

SandAndSea · 19/06/2019 11:00

I think you might be assuming that she's more aware than she is. What I mean is, she may not be malicious at all but actually trying to be friendly and not thinking things through enough. We can all say daft things and not realise. I think I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

However, I do think you're unreasonable to have your son there with headphones on. I'd think that was very rude if you came to mine. He's old enough to either stay home or come along and join in.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/06/2019 11:04

Different horse here but same colour.

This is why I think we have an epidemic of bullying. As we're all supposed to just just have the "Oh its only a joke attitude".

Lunde · 19/06/2019 11:13

Shocked at the number of people on here think that it's OK to insult people about their appearance if it's "true".

MIL was rude, It has been rude to call people "fatty" for at least 50 years. Most people with any sense at all would know that teenagers can be sensitive about their weight and would not have made such a rude comment.

MadeleineMaxwell · 19/06/2019 11:14

He'd be verbally dragged over the coals for disrespecting a sweet old lady, and You can't deny it.

Ha! Yep. Next time you're all at MIL's, try calling her 'fatty' at every opportunity. See what happens.

differentnameforthis · 19/06/2019 11:15

No sorry, it's a not "just a joke"

You don't make comments about a child's weight in that way! What if he took it to heart and starting having issues with food? Would it be a joke if op had a daughter, and not a son?

I'd shut that down straight away! An aunt told my dd she was "looking chubby" when she was 10, and I told her that we do not comment on children's weight in any way shape or form. I was snappy (because it was the latest in a long line of bs) and my dh was mortified at me. Until I explained that I do not need a pre-teen with an eating disorder!!

Some jokes are not funny.

Ragwort · 19/06/2019 11:17

You seem to be over thinking it & still referring to an old photo as if you want to make a drama out of the situation.

But I agree with others, you don’t take a 14 year old & then allow him to play with his phone with one headphone on , he sounds rude. I have a teenage DS & he would not be allowed to behave like that.

differentnameforthis · 19/06/2019 11:17

@Awwlookatmybabyspider This is why I think we have an epidemic of bullying. As we're all supposed to just just have the "Oh its only a joke attitude"

Spot on.

LadyMinerva · 19/06/2019 11:21

Have only scanned the thread but yadnbu. We don't allow this sort of talk towards girls so why should we allow it for boys? They are just as susceptible to eating disorders.

If you have a decent relationship with Mil perhaps let her know that he is working on it but comments about his weight are a no go zone. Teenagers can be awkward to talk to if you don't know them that well so it sounds like a joke gone wrong so nipping it in the bud is the best course of action.

BIWI · 19/06/2019 11:25

@zingally

And finally, although it's no excuse, it's a generational thing. Older people make comments like that, not intending to be hurtful. Should they do it? No. Will they carry on? Probably.

Fuck off with the ageism! I'm almost 60, do definitely 'older' and I would never dream of saying something like this to anyone - even as a joke.

womaninthedark · 19/06/2019 11:39

It's a terrible thing to have said and she's a cow to have said it. There's no 'joke' involved and it isn't generational. She's a fucking cow.
Ignore the ones who tell you you're being oversensitive. Don't go back. I'm glad to see that some posters have recognised it for the bullying it is. Body-shaming. Bullying.
Also, he doesn't sound rude, at all. People messing with their phones is a fact of life now. Even I do it. And I am fucking ancient.

Yabbers · 19/06/2019 11:41

It's clear that MIL doesn't appreciate your visits and your DS doesn't enjoy them either.

This isn’t clear at all.

finn1020 · 19/06/2019 11:42

It was a silly thing to say but she did call herself a fatty too, so I can’t see that she was being deliberately rude. More likely awkward humour.

However you are being way over the top, creating a massive drama within your relationship, and also doing your best to create a rift between your partner and his mum. You sound like hard work at best.

HarleyS · 19/06/2019 11:46

There not her grandkids - she doesn't care.

rookiemere · 19/06/2019 11:47

If MILs routine conversation involves insulting her visitors appearance, then I'd be glad my DS didn't hear much of it with his headphones on.

MardyMavis · 19/06/2019 11:47

I'd be fuming that is so wrong, and for people saying it's a joke he is a child ffs how do you think eating disorders etc develop it's from cruel comments like that. And the fact that your other half is sticking up for her is awful. Next time take a pack of donuts round offer them round and when she goes to take one say "none for you fatty you've had enough" see how she likes it.
Tbf she seems like a bitch anyway with the photo thing as well is keep my distance.

HarleyS · 19/06/2019 11:47

Your partner isn't going to upset his mum for children that aren't his either.
It's a survival thing - people don't feel the same about people that aren't blood - the anger isn't there.

MardyMavis · 19/06/2019 11:53

Harley if that is true then she is with the wrong person.

WhatTheWatersShowedMe · 19/06/2019 11:54

Apologies as I haven't read the whole thread...

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable. I come from a family seemingly obsessed with commenting on each other's weight- especially women. It's caused a LOT of issues down the generations- my mum had an eating disorder as a teen because of cruel comments from her brother and still has a complicated relationship with food and her weight in her 60s. My younger sister hit puberty early, has PCOS and a binge/purge eating disorder. Comments from the family about her weight gain due to the PCOS have adversely affected her mental health; she has little contact with our maternal grandparents and aunt as a consequence. My grandmother would also comment on my weight and compare me to to my sister. It was horrible. As a result, I am very vigilant and careful about how I discuss weight and body image with my young children and would be furious if I found out my mum was commenting negatively on ANYONE's weight in front of my kids. Calling a child 'fatty' is not funny and it can have serious consequences.

HarleyS · 19/06/2019 11:57

The boy's mother could have stuck up for her son there and then, she didn't.

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