Aibu? Mil calling my son fatty (not his nan)

[H4nn4hH]

AIBU? We visited my partners parents at the weekend and we took my 14 year old on with us so he wasn't on his own all day. My son is a little on the chubby side but working hard currently to rectify this, he's also very quiet, polite and sensitive. We arrived, my son walked in said hello to everyone and then sat on the sofa to play games on his phone, we told him to only cover one ear with his headphones so he would still hear what's going on around him. MIL walked in, made a comment about how he was wearing his headphones incorrectly then said "anyway, hi fatty, move over and let another fatty sit on the couch". I kept my mouth shut as to avoid making a scene on fathers day but took my partner outside and told him how angry I was. It was agreed he would deal with it the next day. We only see his parents about 4 times a year with the distance between us, MIL has met my son a handful of times in the last 6 years. I asked my partner yesterday if he had done anything yet to which he said he would sort it straight away. Apparently MIL is devastated to have upset anyone and just thought she was being funny, it was just a laugh yet she hasn't reached out to make amends. I don't think it's funny or was said in jest, the last 2 occasions of going to visit, when talking about my sons she has asked "which is the fat one and which is the skinny one again?". It only came out last night that my partner had never spoken to her before about this issue even though he told me he had. Now I'm not sure whether to believe he has dealt with this or not. I think MIL is being nasty and nobody should say something like that to a child, let alone one you are about to be related to, this is also the woman that on the one and only occasion I visited them on my own, she had a wedding photo of my partner and his first wife who have been seperated for 7 years in pride of place on the mantle piece, I've never seen this picture anywhere in her home in the previous three years whilst visiting. My partner and I are currently not speaking due to him backing his mum over this matter. Am I being over sensitive or am I right to be angry and upset for my son?

This is not ok, especially to a child she only sees so rarely. I think some people are condoning the MIL's actions because they're MILs themselves and MILs can do no wrong in their eyes.

(Some not all).

I am not sure that the people condoning this are MILs themselves but they do seem to be people who think it's ok to be rude to an overweight teenager. If their MIL called THEM fatty they wouldn't think it was lighthearted.

Whether she meant to be rude or not it was s stupid thing to say. He isn’t related to her so don’t force a relationship with her. Think about whether you want one with her. I’d say no!

As long as the intention behind it is meant to be jokey and not mean, it's fine. She probably thought as a teenager he could take a joke

I really hate this ‘they can’t take a joke’ attitude. Why should anyone have to tolerate being insulted and pretend that it’s a funny joke?

It doesn’t matter what the intention was, even if no malice intended: it’s rude and insensitive to call someone “fatty”. Even if the person doing the insulting also turns the insult on themself.

I call myself ugly, but I’d never be so rude as to call anyone else that.

I call my cat Fatty all the time. It’s a sign of affection from me.
I think the fact the mil referred to herself as “another fatty” really does mean it wasn’t intended to be rude.
Try not to get too worked up ver it, arguments in families are no fun for anyone.
I hope your son is ok.

Cats aren’t known for having feelings about things said to them.

Overweight teenagers however, are. Not sure there’s even a tenuous connection there.

I absolutely hate all this oh I was just joking stuff when people say hurtful things.

Bants, innit?

FUCK OFF

@Elizapancakes I think culture is relevant. It's very British culture to be cautious of offending and to not say things like this - even among close family. But within the culture my mum's from - people who you are not close to, you don't speak honestly to. Rather, you flatter and compliment - you'd never tell them if you actually thought their dress looked awful. However with family - it's a demonstration of how close you are to them when you can tell them honestly "oh my! You're putting on weight!" Or "don't wear those trousers! They don't suit you!" Etc. You say your family is Greek - just like in my big fat Greek wedding, I'm sure there is a scene where her mother compares her daughters boobs to mosquito bites. Yes the words alone are of course not a "complimentary description", but what matters is the heart and intention behind it. My mother and her family's side say these things directly to my face - and it's said with warmth and is a sign of their affection. It shows they feel comfortable with me and that they can say this to me BECAUSE we are family. I don't find it hurtful. Even my uncle I hadn't seen in 10 years, first thing he said on greeting me was "you've gained weight!" It broke the ice and reaffirmed the family closeness. We both laughed about it and I said "you got old!" But even within my family, if someone voices they don't like bring told this or that - of course we respect that. It's down to the individual and context.

I felt in this case it was unlikely the MIL meant it in a deliberately mean way because she smiled and called herself the same thing. But you can note I also did say - if the boy was hurt by it of course tell the MIL not to say it again.

*god "like this or that" not bring! Stupid phone.

@Vehivle it’s not relevant to the OP. Of course it’s relevant within our own families.

@Elizapancakes Yes. And we don't know OP or her MILs culture. And even if they are both English, it goes without saying that there are different 'cultures' and normalities within every single family.

Jesus - it was meant to be a helpful perspective, with an example which happened to be drawn from own experiences. Surely that's all any of us can do- draw from what we know/have experienced.

Of course I'm not saying that my mother is Asian and therefore that answers all behaviour regarding OPs MIL. I was saying hey - here's a perspective - my mother does this because it's culturally a sign of family bonding. Maybe your MIL meant it like that and so lets not automatically assume she was deliberately trying to insult your son (and herself) for no reason whatsoever?

Bloody hell Eliza - it's like you're playing dumb on purpose.

Just because I don’t agree with you doesn’t mean I’m ‘playing dumb’ .

Sure it’s an interesting perspective - I don’t think it’s relevant here. This wasn’t closeness between beloved family members, this was making a joke at the expense of a teenager she’s met maybe six times. More than once, although the first time not in the teen’s hearing. And despite knowing OP has been upset she’s not bothered sending a text to say she meant nothing of it, she’s sorry if she offended, it was genuinely meant as a term of endearment?

You are not being unreasonable, whether she meant it meanly isn’t the point, a child who is already sensitive about their weight doesn’t need to hear that. I’m almost 40 and still remember the ‘jokes’ made about my weight as a child. The jokes that triggered my anorexia and bulimia as a teen and my binge eating in my twenties. It does not help.
I would speak to her yourself and just nicely say that he is aware and sensitive and whilst you know she means no harm to please just not mention if in future.

The photo on the mantle that happened to appear just for your solo visit tells you all you need to know about her motivations. She does not like or respect you and she is spiteful and petty

This . I would tread very carefully here OP

So yes prioritise your son and have a discreet word . But think hard if she is going to be A MIL from hell

I can’t believe how many people think this isn’t an issue. Calling an overweight child fat to their face is a terrible thing to do. This is the sort of behaviour that can spark eating disorders.

To be honest I’m very surprised you didn’t say something at the time. I would not have kept quiet. You’re teaching your son that her behaviour was ok.