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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? Mil calling my son fatty (not his nan)

142 replies

H4nn4hH · 19/06/2019 08:19

AIBU? We visited my partners parents at the weekend and we took my 14 year old on with us so he wasn't on his own all day. My son is a little on the chubby side but working hard currently to rectify this, he's also very quiet, polite and sensitive. We arrived, my son walked in said hello to everyone and then sat on the sofa to play games on his phone, we told him to only cover one ear with his headphones so he would still hear what's going on around him. MIL walked in, made a comment about how he was wearing his headphones incorrectly then said "anyway, hi fatty, move over and let another fatty sit on the couch". I kept my mouth shut as to avoid making a scene on fathers day but took my partner outside and told him how angry I was. It was agreed he would deal with it the next day. We only see his parents about 4 times a year with the distance between us, MIL has met my son a handful of times in the last 6 years. I asked my partner yesterday if he had done anything yet to which he said he would sort it straight away. Apparently MIL is devastated to have upset anyone and just thought she was being funny, it was just a laugh yet she hasn't reached out to make amends. I don't think it's funny or was said in jest, the last 2 occasions of going to visit, when talking about my sons she has asked "which is the fat one and which is the skinny one again?". It only came out last night that my partner had never spoken to her before about this issue even though he told me he had. Now I'm not sure whether to believe he has dealt with this or not. I think MIL is being nasty and nobody should say something like that to a child, let alone one you are about to be related to, this is also the woman that on the one and only occasion I visited them on my own, she had a wedding photo of my partner and his first wife who have been seperated for 7 years in pride of place on the mantle piece, I've never seen this picture anywhere in her home in the previous three years whilst visiting. My partner and I are currently not speaking due to him backing his mum over this matter. Am I being over sensitive or am I right to be angry and upset for my son?

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 19/06/2019 09:35

He could have sat and chatted for a short while if he’s NT. Going straight on his phone with headphones is rude in itself.

YANBU re the “fatty” comment. Jokes are not jokes when they’re hurtful and when the recipient doesn’t find them funny. I would have tackled it directly though and just said “Please don’t call DS fatty, thanks.”

IHateUncleJamie · 19/06/2019 09:36

You can't leave everything like that to your partner, you're the boy's mother and need to speak up. It would all have been over in less than five minutes.

^^This.

stucknoue · 19/06/2019 09:36

It's a completely inappropriate remark but don't blame your partner as he's not in the wrong. If she knows you are upset by it then I would let it go for now and try to put it behind you, however if mil makes an inappropriate remark on a future visit then your partner will need to properly talk to her about inappropriate language, self esteem etc

HJWT · 19/06/2019 09:38

@H4nn4hH OP your not being to sensitive fat shaming a young teen is wrong, I was a 'fat' teen and being called fat just made me eat more!

Next time just say I don't think its appropriate to call a child fatty so can we not use those kinds of words thank you...

BettyUnderswoob · 19/06/2019 09:38

Jeez, whether or not this boy was being rude by playing on his phone is completely irrelevant.

Certainly doesn’t justify an adult insulting them.

Holibobsing · 19/06/2019 09:42

At 14, it's more than fine for him to be on his phone, and insure if he was spoken to, engaged in the conversation, he would have engaged right back. Shove over fatty?!
Empower him Op to retort back next time with anyone ! "Rude!" is one retort. This applys whatever his weight might be.

lonelyinacrowd39 · 19/06/2019 09:44

Don't think I could have kept quiet tbh if someone openly insulted my DC , in such a personal manner! A bit like a previous poster said 'did your mother never teach you not to comment on peoples appearance? It is very rude!'

She is being this rude because she can get away with it. Nobody is pulling her up on it when it happens. I would tell your DH to be that if he does not come to the defence of you and your son as it happens , then you will tackle it yourself.

Pheasantplucker2 · 19/06/2019 09:51

As a fat adult, was a chubby child, I can tell you that these comments stay - and my way of dealing with the hurt was to comfort eat. Which clearly compounded the problem.

It's not ok to make thoughtless personal comments about a person's appearance. She needs to understand that. And - again - whilst I might refer to myself as a fatty, I would be really embarassed about someone else doing it, even though I clearly am.

It's like anything you're self conscious about - often I make the comment to stop anyone else getting in there first. But I hate it being pointed out to others.

So no, not ok. Especially not to kids, who are supersensitive to this.

Jemima232 · 19/06/2019 09:52

Goodness - you're not getting much support here, OP.

I would be very upset about this, FWIW. I would start talking to your DP again and make quite sure that he understands that this was hurtful, both to you and your DS.

Not acceptable at all.

Usuallyinthemiddle · 19/06/2019 09:54

It wasn't kind but I'm guessing it came out without much thought.

I can see why you're annoyed. I don't think her reaching out to rectify is necessary or helpful though. He doesn't need a "sorry I called you fat" phonecall from a grown up. If it has upset him (and that's what matters, not you) then it'll exacerbate it. Leave it til he sees her again.

I do agree his earphones were rude though possibly. Unless he'd been there a while already.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/06/2019 09:59

I don't understand why people are fixated on why you took your son and that he put his headphones in and played game. Your MIL was rude, but personally if that had been my son I would have said something like "please don't call him that, it's really rude" rather than wait for my partner to address the matter. Your his mum, it's down to you to stick up for him.

Isatis · 19/06/2019 10:00

Please don't demand that she "make amends": your son will be considerably more mortified by the whole thing being brought up again by a horribly uncomfortable apology.

Yabbers · 19/06/2019 10:01

What did your DS say about it?

It doesn’t sound malicious, she called herself a fatty too. Perhaps she thought he would warm to her, recognising they had the same issues.

I’m sure you’ll be along to drip feed all the other terrible things she has done, but with this example YABU. Your OH says she’s upset she might have upset him, that’s surely a telling thing.

Does DS want her to apologise to him, or would he rather just sit with headphones on and ignore?

WorraLiberty · 19/06/2019 10:08

I think it's very interesting that you do not mention at all how your son felt about this comment. Which seems to me a lot more significant than your response to it.

That's what I was thinking. Not a single mention of how your DS felt?

kateandme · 19/06/2019 10:09

my dad and brother do this all the time.and they will do it to us too(not overweight so no meaning) so it can be done.but the difference is its obvious a jest with us becasue its so clearly not true.and they would never do it to one of us who has had very severe weight issues.instead we call her elfin.so its about being aware and adapting your piss take to those around you!
whereas with your son he might be overweight so it shints of a true jab at him.
also if he is a sensitve lad and especially or about weight then its something to be avoided.just like if a child was senstive about a birth mark or colour of their hair etc.then these things should be steared cleared of whereas in normal interactions other joke about them.so a quick word with her might help.

Geminijes · 19/06/2019 10:11

She was rude but you should have said something to her at the time.

It's interesting that she made the comment about 'your fat son or your skinny son' but you only picked up on the insult of fat son.
Why not be insulted that she referred to your other son as skinny?

Seems it's an insult to refer to larger people as fat but not to refer to smaller people as skinny. Strange.

rookiemere · 19/06/2019 10:11

It's clear that MIL doesn't appreciate your visits and your DS doesn't enjoy them either. Why not just let your DH visit his DM alone in future and then she'll have no one to share her nasty comments with.
And yes I was a fat teen and already knew I was fat without others helpfully pointing it out. DS is currently on the chunky side and I try my best to shield him from the nasty comments my DF inflicted on me at that age.

LarkDescending · 19/06/2019 10:11

I understand your upset OP. It doesn’t matter whether it was meant maliciously, or that she made the same comment about herself - remarks like this are hurtful and damaging, especially if weight is already a sensitive issue. I have an aunt who does similar to her grandchildren (who are obviously not my children) - one is “beautybox”, another “slinky” and another “chunks”. Not cool.

bobstersmum · 19/06/2019 10:13

I would have tackled her right there because I don't like that sort of thing. Such as when my mum said my dd looks exactly like me and my brother said does she heck she's way prettier than bobstersmum. Not nasty but just not needed.

Deuxcaggages · 19/06/2019 10:20

I think you just need to address it directly with her either at the time, or privately.
The comment to your sons weight sounds tactless, the other stuff asking you which is the fat one and which one is the skinny one is plain rude, but some people are just not very diplomatic. Only you know if the comments are in keeping with her overall personality or if she's just being a cow.
Either way I would just tell her not to say those things, tactless people need to be told in a language they understand - blunt and passive aggressive types don't like being challenged on their sneaky behaviour.

baar · 19/06/2019 10:22

Sorry being overweight is unhealthy

TougheningUp · 19/06/2019 10:23

He's not polite OP, he sits in a room full of people, playing on his phone, not bothering to shift up a bit so an older relative can also sit down. Did he even hear her say it?

I'm not convinced that was rude of himwe don't know the contextbut even if he was being rude this is a separate issue, and has nothing to do with the MIL calling him fat.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 19/06/2019 10:24

Sorry being overweight is unhealthy

And calling people names is rude, what's your point?

EmeraldShamrock · 19/06/2019 10:34

It was insensitive, as the F word is seen as unsensivtive. She possibly meant it as an endearing comment, to treat him like one of the family, without much thinking behind it.
As a pp mentioned DC in school can be cruel, boys at the age have no filter, he probably heard it all before, it is not kind.

mabelsgarden · 19/06/2019 10:37

I think you have to pick your battles @H4nn4hH

I hate fat shaming (or ANY size body-shaming for that matter,) but I don't think this was in that category. I think it was just a thoughtless and innocent comment.

An older relative in my family made a comment about a younger family member's thigh-gap last year, and said 'you are lovely and slim, look at your thigh-gap, you look like a model.' She meant it as a compliment' but the girl burst out crying, saying she was sick of people commenting on her body size and shape ...

She had previously been 4 stone heavier and had lost weight, and had to endure 'fatty' type comments, but she still got upset at what were pretty much compliments too. I guess that is her prerogative, but the lady never meant anything nasty. In fact she was trying to be nice.

I guess people just need to stop commenting on peoples appearance and body shapes. I don't think that will ever happen though!

If I were you OP, I would not say anything. Especially as she berated herself too. If she carries on saying stuff though, then ask her politely to please stop.

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