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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? Mil calling my son fatty (not his nan)

142 replies

H4nn4hH · 19/06/2019 08:19

AIBU? We visited my partners parents at the weekend and we took my 14 year old on with us so he wasn't on his own all day. My son is a little on the chubby side but working hard currently to rectify this, he's also very quiet, polite and sensitive. We arrived, my son walked in said hello to everyone and then sat on the sofa to play games on his phone, we told him to only cover one ear with his headphones so he would still hear what's going on around him. MIL walked in, made a comment about how he was wearing his headphones incorrectly then said "anyway, hi fatty, move over and let another fatty sit on the couch". I kept my mouth shut as to avoid making a scene on fathers day but took my partner outside and told him how angry I was. It was agreed he would deal with it the next day. We only see his parents about 4 times a year with the distance between us, MIL has met my son a handful of times in the last 6 years. I asked my partner yesterday if he had done anything yet to which he said he would sort it straight away. Apparently MIL is devastated to have upset anyone and just thought she was being funny, it was just a laugh yet she hasn't reached out to make amends. I don't think it's funny or was said in jest, the last 2 occasions of going to visit, when talking about my sons she has asked "which is the fat one and which is the skinny one again?". It only came out last night that my partner had never spoken to her before about this issue even though he told me he had. Now I'm not sure whether to believe he has dealt with this or not. I think MIL is being nasty and nobody should say something like that to a child, let alone one you are about to be related to, this is also the woman that on the one and only occasion I visited them on my own, she had a wedding photo of my partner and his first wife who have been seperated for 7 years in pride of place on the mantle piece, I've never seen this picture anywhere in her home in the previous three years whilst visiting. My partner and I are currently not speaking due to him backing his mum over this matter. Am I being over sensitive or am I right to be angry and upset for my son?

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 19/06/2019 11:57

She made a nasty comment to a child and is upset that the child's mother called her out on it? She sounds like a bully.
Your DH doesn't have your back.

What does your DS want to do? If It were me I'd offer to stop visiting with him, just let your DH go.

ElizaPancakes · 19/06/2019 12:00

I absolutely can’t believe some of the responses on here. Because he is in fact fat it’s ok to call him fatty?!

I’m also fat. I don’t like it when people call me fatty - joking or not - it hurts my feelings. I’m also ugly and don’t like it if people call me ugly. Which my dad and grandma do to me - I am very low contact with both of them.

Luckily I’m a fairly thick-skinned adult, not an adolescent still growing into my body and likely exceptionally aware of all my (perceived) imperfections and failings.

YANBU OP. I’d be really upset too.

User10fuckingmillion · 19/06/2019 12:03

Yes she was making a joke but I’d have been mortified at that age

Tinkobell · 19/06/2019 12:05

Its just an ill judges dumb ass remark. She should be made aware that kids get MH issues if they get called stuff like that. They sound a but body size obsessed tbh.

NottonightJosepheen · 19/06/2019 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCanterburyWhales · 19/06/2019 12:12

She was rude and stupid by calling him fat.
You were rude by allowing a 14 year old to sit in somebody else's house with his headphones on.
You all obviously loathe the arses off each other.

Along with helping your son to lose weight I'd be looking at ways out of a relationship that sounds pretty toxic all round.

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 19/06/2019 12:13

She also referred to herself as a fatty therefore I doubt it was said with malice, more likely a bad joke.

Hmm, my 'D'GM would make comments about her own weight as well as being an absolute bitch about mine and my sisters weight, so I don't buy that.

BadBear · 19/06/2019 12:20

Don't treat as a joke because it is not one.

I went on the chubby side moving into puberty and comments relatives made in jest have stayed with me to this day. I am not a particularly sensitive person but those comments still hurt if I ever think about them.

Yes it may not have been malicious but the end result is the same. If she doesn't get pulled up on it then she would say something similar again.

KatherineJaneway · 19/06/2019 12:30

Personally I think you are being oversensitive. It sounds like that is the way she talks as she called herself a fatty as well and sees nothing wrong with it. Clearly no one has told her that type of talk is no longer appropriate.

You were just as rude as her in letting you son play on his phone so I'd say you are about even.

Lizzie3869 · 19/06/2019 12:43

The word 'fatty' is rude and has been for a very long time. There's definitely no excuse for ever calling someone that. Especially not an adult to a teenager.

@HarleyS that's not necessarily true. My DSis has a DSS as well as her own 3 DC, and she's always defended him to hilt against those who didn't see him as part of her family.

Lizzie3869 · 19/06/2019 12:45

And blood isn't everything; I have 2 adopted DDs who I couldn't love more if I'd given birth to them.

Someone9 · 19/06/2019 12:49

I’m astounded by the amount of (presumably) adults on here so seem to think calling a 14 year old child a fatty isn’t a big deal. It’s no wonder bullying is so rife. Your MIL is horrible as are many posters on here.

I would not visit this woman again. She clearly doesn’t like you considering the photo of the ex and the way she speaks of your children.

I do agree that a 14 year old should not stick headphones in when visiting people though. At least not for the first 20 mins/half hour. That’s extremely rude.

floribunda18 · 19/06/2019 13:07

YANBU. Being called fat at school was one thing but my family never made any personal remarks about my weight. I think it would have destroyed me if they did at 14, self-esteem is so fragile at that age.

I wasn't fat, and thought I was huge.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 19/06/2019 13:11

Oh come on people. This thread!

I think we all know that if someone started a thread saying their MIL called them a fatty, said MIL would be burnt to a tiny pile of ashes Grin and no contact would be advised, and if DH didn't defend the OP, they would have a DH problem too. Wink

Of course it's rude, and it's no better if she applied it to herself.

(Actually I'm amazed the ubiquitous MN response to anything rude "do you think she may have ASD?" Hmm hasn't been trotted out yet).

PS. Rude for your DS to sit and play games too so you don't exactly occupy the high ground though....

Dotty1970 · 19/06/2019 13:34

Calling a child fatty... Not a fckig joke! I can't believe the dickish answers and people condoning this.
Things like this may affect him forever. I know this is a fact.
Pathetic to say its OK

Dotty1970 · 19/06/2019 13:36

KatherineJaneway

Personally I think you are being oversensitive. It sounds like that is the way she talks as she called herself a fatty as well and sees nothing wrong with it. Clearly no one has told her that type of talk is no longer appropriate.

You were just as rude as her in letting you son play on his phone so I'd say you are about even.

Omg you complete and utter Biscuit

AutumnCrow · 19/06/2019 13:52

Calling any child or teenager 'fatty' is unkind, unnecessary and frankly just stupid whatever the context.

Boshmama · 19/06/2019 13:58

I think it was a horrible, vicious thing to say regardless of your son's size. Teenagers are sensitive about their appearance and take things to heart - everyone knows this. Big hugs to you both - I'd be fuming if someone said this to my child, especially when blending a family.

Karatema · 19/06/2019 14:10

My DM always says to all her close relatives"Move up fatty, let a little one squeeze in!" She means no offence and no one takes offence as she always laughs as she says it! She'd be horrified if she thought she'd upset anyone.

Vehivle · 19/06/2019 14:12

I think you're being a little UR. My family (mother and all her side) make these sort of comments and jokes all the time. It's their culture (asian)to be direct. As long as the intention behind it is meant to be jokey and not mean, it's fine. She probably thought as a teenager he could take a joke especially as she called herself the same thing in the same line. If he was hurt by it, I'd have a quiet word directly to say he's he's a bit sensitive about his weight so could she not mention it around him. If he wasn't hurt by it, I'd just leave it.

KatherineJaneway · 19/06/2019 14:16

Dotty1970

Biscuit Right back at you

reytmardy · 19/06/2019 14:16

Don't worry about the headphone comments on here. My D's (12) always wears them when visiting MIl because she constantly tells the same stories over and over and there has never been any chemistry since he was a baby. She used to complain when he was younger and wanted to play. He wanted attention which meant I couldn't listen to MIL. She didn't like this and used to nap whenever we visited. Years of this has meant he has given up trying to interact. Not his fault at all. Otherwise he would be bored and wanting to be outside. At least the headphones keep him in the room and happy.

Weirdpenguin · 19/06/2019 16:51

I don't get mumsnet. Thefe are loads of posts where people take offence with their MIL for nothing a d the NC refrain strikes up but now we find one who really is a bitch and people make excuses.

ElizaPancakes · 19/06/2019 17:47

@Vehivle how is your family and your culture relevant here?

I’m sorry but half my family is Greek and ‘direct’ as you call it. It doesn’t mean it’s any less hurtful being told you’re fat. Fat is never a complimentary description.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 19/06/2019 20:23

«Move over fatty to let another fatty seat» sounds like she was lighthearted, she called herself a fatty so I really don’t believe it was in a mean or judgmental way.
It was insensitive though, you can bring it up but not worth beeing mad at her.