What advice would you give your younger self?

[ombre123]

Hi everyone

I'm feeling a bit reflecting this morning and with a big milestone birthday and two little ones growing at a rate of knots and 20 years in with my DH, I'm thinking about my first 39 years on this planet and there have been some parts that have been magic, other parts really challenging. One thing I have concluded though is that there have been some parts where I haven't been as kind to myself as I should've been in terms of self care, and always strived for what was coming next rather than being mindful of the present. That's something I'm going to be more conscious of as I enter another decade!

So I was wondering, when you look back on your life what advice would you give to your younger yourself?

I'm only 27 but I settled down and now have a family who I adore. However I would say to my younger self. Sort yourself a career. You were actually pretty and slim when you were younger. that contraceptive pill made you very anxious and you were miserable. Now you do have a mums body and you didn't realise you looked good until now. Stop worrying about things that haven't happened. The list is endless really

Dont get married at 18 !!

Save better.

Go to college/uni even if I dont want to use my education then it'll open doors that cant be opened now.

Thoroughly monitor your weight and don't allow yourself to slowly gain weight as it's so difficult to lose in middle age. Look at the finances of your potential life partners and don't be swept away by romance . Remember that you may not always be able to financially support your family all by yourself.

I would tell myself, "Go on, shag them ALL! Just go crazy because you're going to be in a sexless marriage in 20 years, so knock yourself out!"

Get a therapist.

Men will not magically make you happy.

Appreciate how you look now, in ten years time you’ll look back and be stunned at how great you looked.

Love yourself, try to accept praise and help from others.

Remember you are not a bad person because your parents abandoned you.

People like you

You were right to give up everything to be there for your nan, and also right not to be able to physically look after her. Don't feel ashamed. And the kids were the right choice - your life would've been empty had you left for your career choice.

Don't give up on your dream of 13 years just because you get scared that you might not make it.

People, whether it's friendships or relationships, will never change their mind if they decide there is something about you they do not like. You can't change for them or make them like you. Trust their actions rather than their words - if someone says you're their best friend then refuses to spend time with you, they're not your friend. The best thing you can do is make a lot of friends. Then if someone has a problem with you, you have support in other friendships.

Everyone sees a different side of your personality. It's important to have people around who don't mind seeing the worst of you, but do be careful.

Do the things you want rather than the things you think you have to (within reason. Obviously do your exams etc whether you want to or not). If you just about have enough money for that awesome trip - do it! If you're volunteering for a group and they pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, don't do it - it's called "volunteering" for a reason.

You fancy him? He uses womens Dove deodorant and wears white patent leather shoes out of choice.
Also he only shows interest when you're about to stick the lips on someone else.

You're fat yes. But not that fat. Enjoy life rather than hide away.

Yes you are a great mum to your 2 kids and I can see why you wonder what the big deal is and you've no idea why other parents moan so much blah blah blah. Your 3rd kid is on the way and she will make everything you thought you knew about parenting redundant ..

Do NOT settle when it comes to men. All other things I wish were different about my life flow from this one.

Do what you can to keep or mend relationships with family (unless impossible obvs). They’ll be gone sometime and you don’t want regrets. (Lost both parents recently and happy I got over difficult period with both in time to love them and have good times.) Know this isnt the same/possible for everyone.
Don’t be hard on yourself about things you can’t change.
Change things you can change if that’s the right thing.
Make sure the people you love know you love them. Show your love.
Forgive people for what they really can’t help.
Don’t worry so much about what strangers think.

Be yourself. Don't try to be someone else. Drink less, it's making you feel depressed. Don't worry, life will work out ok.

Tell your best university friend that you love him

• Don't start smoking - 35 years later you still won't be able to stop.
• You are much cleverer than you think - go to Uni, get every qualification you can, it'll make life a lot easier later on.
• Be confident in your abilities. Don't stay in the same job you fell into by accident all those years ago just because it's scary to do something different.
• Listen to the dental hygienist and floss every day. It's boring, but worth it.
• Don't drink quite so much - you are an argumentative arse when you've had one too many.
• Don't let Rob be the one that gets away. You will still be regretting that 25 years later.
• He's NEVER going to marry you. Don't waste 20 years (and counting) with him - he'll end up a joyless fun-sponge with whom you have nothing in common other than your children.

Be kind to your parents. They're doing their best, and one day there won't be any chance to make it up to them in the future. Don't be afraid to jump into life with both feet. It'll be over before you know it.

Get your first job in banking. You'd have made a fortune much quicker

1. Be more assertive
2. Pursue your dream career, don't turn down jobs and opportunities because of what the wrong man thinks
3. It's OK to admit you're not happy and leave a relationship
4. Enjoy every day!

You're not clinically depressed. You're not fragile, and you are perfectly capable of living independently, you've just been gaslit into believing otherwise. Don't wait until your thirties to discover this.

Get away from your parents. I know you love them, but see above.

Yes, you're a bit of an arsehole yourself right now. You've been horribly socialised and you are extremely anxious, plus you're young and have had a sheltered upbringing. But the brand new friends you worry about losing now will still be with you in twenty years. Yes, they really will. They know that all the crappy stuff isn't who you really are, and they'll stick with you while you work it all out. Try to know that too, and be a friend to yourself.

You'll never stick to any change if you try to do it all at once. Keep it slow and sustainable. The voice telling you that you have to fix things completely and right away, or else? That's anxiety. Learn to recognise it and you'll find that you actually make good decisions. You're not stupid, any more than you are fragile.

You're not an academic and will burn yourself out trying to be one. That's your parents' ambition, not yours. You're a writer. Work at being one and take it seriously.

You are worthwhile. You deserve love. You don't have to sell yourself out to earn it. You will be fine.

Bloody hell @LaBarbera you are good at this! You could be a therapist too. I feel better and stronger just reading your post to yourself!

@growlingbear That's so lovely of you. TBH, I am still giving myself this advice every day. I'm so pleased that it has been useful to you, too :)

Do Not Listen to your Parents. They are idiots and they don't want to/are incapable of helping you.
Stay in education.
Don't let that twat gaslight you into marrying him.

Stop trying to be perfect for everyone. Perfect daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend etc

Say "no" often, it is an option.
Be financially independent.
If you are not happy in a relationship, leave.

It is ok to ask for help. You are not a failure.

Trust your gut