What advice would you give your younger self?

[ombre123]

Hi everyone

I'm feeling a bit reflecting this morning and with a big milestone birthday and two little ones growing at a rate of knots and 20 years in with my DH, I'm thinking about my first 39 years on this planet and there have been some parts that have been magic, other parts really challenging. One thing I have concluded though is that there have been some parts where I haven't been as kind to myself as I should've been in terms of self care, and always strived for what was coming next rather than being mindful of the present. That's something I'm going to be more conscious of as I enter another decade!

So I was wondering, when you look back on your life what advice would you give to your younger yourself?

@puppymouse ah thanks! Some thoughts:

• don’t squash it out of them. My parents were really controlling, obedience was really importance. This was a terrible idea.

• don’t get hung up on school. DD1 does not do what she is told at school sometimes. Why should I go on and on about her handwriting or underlining in red or what have you? It doesn’t matter. I am not going to automatically back this kind of tin pot authoritarianism.

• be a bit cheeky, ask for what you want, take some risks. “A woman in your own right” by Anne Dickson blew my mind. I also liked Emotional Intelligence by Goleman. And Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

@Comtesse thank you! obedience is s funny thing isn't... my parents were also very controlling and I don't remember really having an opinion until I was mid 20s. I'm trying to work hard with DD at the moment to talk about how she's feeling to prevent explosions, but I also tell her I understand why she sometimes feels like she needs to. However I won't tolerate her being rude to us or shouting at us. It's a tricky line to tread. She's already very rule-conscious and I want to raise her to tow the line when she needs to but also question whether she should

To read up on gaslighting and other tricks that manipulative people use.

It not selfish to put your own needs first.

you're autistic.

puppymouse it’s really hard when you’ve been brought up to be good and a people pleaser. One of the things that is important for us is to experience our emotions - anger and sadness are valid and children need to be able to understand them. It took me along time to get to grips with that.
It’s ok to argue, cry, feel angry and sad. We don’t have to hide or change our feelings to make other people happy.

Don't attempt to cling on to him. You are fine as you are.

Oh, and saying ‘no, that’s not for me’ can save your life. Not trusting your feelings leads to all sorts of misery.

@Herocomplex you're so right. I try to practise the whole "no is a complete sentence" thing when I can but zero confidence and worrying what others will do or say is so damaging.

Enjoy being slim and don’t let the weight pile on, sort it before it does. Enjoy university and dump your boyfriend before you went as he was a waste of space, seek therapy for what is clearly adhd that your parents didn’t want to deal with, travel more, not settle and marry someone because you didn’t think you were worthy of love. Only have two kids not three. Be kinder to yourself. Open up more when you’re struggling.

Don't shag men thinking they will become your boyfriend.

Don't be so desperate for a boyfriend!

Have a bit more self confidence and don't compare yourself to your friends.

He does like you, go for it (but not him, he's a twat).

Enjoy the freedom of being young and single.

You're not fat. Thinking you're fat and so yo yo dieting is going to make you fat.

Not stress that I couldn't have children. After reading some of the posts on here it could well be a blessing in disguise.

Not to be embarrassed to say the word NO in a variety of situations.

After telling me that my being unable to have children was unimportant to him - eight years later when he told me over breakfast he was leaving me for another woman because he loved her and she could give him the children he now wanted, I wished I had not contained my emotions and anger until AFTER I coolly gave him a lift to the tube station.

Your relationship with your parents is not normal, and your mother is not a good mother. Stop taking responsibility for her happiness because you can’t make her happy.

Hero your post resonates with me. If I had trusted my own feelings when younger I would be living a different life now, and would almost certainly be happier!

I'd tell myself that just because this man loves you does not mean you love him and if you're already trying to change him so you have something in common it's probably not right. 17 years and 4 kids later I seem to be stuck

Don't change a single thing because although there have been hard times, every decision or event that seemed bad at the time has brought you to where you are today and today you are awesome!

Dance forgive yourself, you did the best you could at the time. You can choose to be happy now though, imagine another 17 years goes past, what would you say to present-day you?

I tell myself to Wpwork hard, save hard, I worked hard, but I partied hard, to the point I look back and see I didn't like myself.
If your insecure work on it, put yourself first
I realised later in life, to move on from pain, drugs and alcohol don't heal MH issues, I wish I'd faced my demons earlier.
My biggest regret, is not buying a house, I am the only renter in my family and friends, it is shit and an insecure way to live otherwise life is good. this week anyway

Stop eating. It causes more issues than it solves.

That girl is not your friend.

Don’t despair, The One is right around the corner.

Don’t question yourself, your judgment is nearly always right.

Keep running.

Oh, I wouldn't give myself any advice. Any advice received by my younger self would mean that I wouldn't be who I am now. And ..... I quite like who I am now

Dont marry him, he is truly truly evil

Look after your teeth.

Keep on walking everywhere whenever it's possible instead of taking the bus or going by car.

Don't borrow money.

Don’t sleep with the 32 year old when you’re 19, it will be disappointing and he’s not worth it.

Don’t eat your feelings.

Don’t say yes to everything all the time.

Explore more.

Stop writing notes. Write the damn book.