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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU nephew not attending wedding

308 replies

LittleMissCool · 18/06/2019 23:45

Have been planning my wedding for 2 years, said wedding happening in 2 months. Notified today by a family member that nephew won't be attending due to routine sporting competition.

Very very close to my sister (nephews mum), we are best friends and see each other daily, she hasn't mentioned this to me at all I've heard through sister in law.

I babysit my sister's other children over night on a Friday and 1 night in the week so my nephew (age 10) can practise his sport.

I'm so hurt and upset that his sport is taking priority over my wedding and that sister considers it more important. Though mostly I'm upset that she didn't talk to me.

AIBU to be upset by this?

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 19/06/2019 13:26

One of my nieces didn't come to my wedding as she'd booked a holiday - before I'd even met my fiance, so it was my fault really. It was a shame as she is my eldest niece and we were very close but actually, it was a relief because she has five children...

I'm sorry your sister has been so blunt though.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/06/2019 13:34

You're really are not going to notice on your wedding day if a 10 year old is there or not.
You're also not going to notice if he and his dad arrives in part of the way through the meal. You're really not.
So if you've spoken with your sister and told her that you don't want him turning up mid way through the meal and they can arrive later on, don't be surprised if they decide not to show at all.

I'm not your relation. I don't know you and wouldn't know you if I had to pick you out of a line-up, but I do think you're very close to verging into bridezilla territory here. They are family and fair enough you weren't told about a sporting event that your 10 year old nephew will be taking part in that happens on the same day as your wedding and I can see why you weren't told that.

I feel sorry for your 10 year old nephew.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 19/06/2019 13:35

don't want him to turn up mid way through the meal

Shock

well, you've made your point, it's your wedding, do as you please.

i think it's a really shitty attitude to be honest, he's 10. Unless he arrives escorted by a trumpet fanfare, no one would even notice. Being childish and punishing him is petty. The poor lad is far too young to understand all these weddings politics.

If you do so much for his sport, which is really kind of you, he could think that you of all people would understand. He's the child, you are the adult, don't take it on him. Don't spoil your wedding day by being mad at your sisters, it will go so quickly as it is.

GraceSlicksRabbit · 19/06/2019 13:37

Agree EarlGrey. Be the bigger person OP.

whiteroseredrose · 19/06/2019 13:48

Some interesting responses here. I think YANBU. My DS missed an 11+ exam to be at my brother's wedding and he wasn't the only one. The school didn't bat an eyelid he just sat it on another day. Weddings and funerals are major family events.

My DC loved all of my sibling's weddings from the age of 4 right up to 14. These are on-off occasions IMO so should be prioritised.

I suppose this gives you a heads up as to where you are in the pecking order for your sister. I'd adjust my support accordingly.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/06/2019 13:58

I think it is rude that your sister didn't discuss it with you beforehand and that you had to hear it third hand

If the sporting event is important, I would prioritise it over a wedding, if it is just a regular meet up then possibly not. However, the nephew is still coming to part of your wedding, so maybe a reasonable compromise.

I am in the camp that weddings can be boring for children, that's why we had a child free wedding, but I know that can depend on the wedding. We had a very small wedding with no evening reception, so it was just the ceremony, photos and meal. The venue was very small, everything was in the same room, so no room for children to run around, no music to dance to, so not very child friendly. Your nephew, by coming later on, is missing the bits that can be dull for children.

With respect to photos, how many people look at their wedding photos after their wedding. Also with respect to children, the best photos are usually the candid ones not the formal posed ones.

saraclara · 19/06/2019 14:05

People are focusing on the 10 year old, while not really addressing the fact that the BIL won't be at the wedding either.

Could someone else not have taken nephew to the competition?

LadyWho · 19/06/2019 14:06

Why do you need your 10 year old nephew to sit through your wedding? Do you realise how boring that will be for him? Especially if he's been made to miss out on his sports event for it. YABVU.

Cheeseandwin5 · 19/06/2019 14:22

I am not sure of a few things, you say your sister hasn't told you yet, why don't you speak to her and ascertain if what you understand is true. Also does it mean he will miss the whole wedding or will he be able to come to the latter stages. Will it mean other family will also miss (parts of ) the wedding?
You say it is a 'routine ' sporting occasion, but as you haven't spoken to anyone who truly knows I can only assume you have included that work to strengthen your case and be more outraged.

saraclara · 19/06/2019 14:27

@Cheeseandwin5 the sister has already said that BIL will also not be at the wedding as he's taking the nephew to the event. Also that the competition doesn't have a specific impact on the kid's sporting future. Oh, and that they'll 'probably' arrive half way through the wedding breakfast.
So OP HAS "spoken to someone who truly knows"
rtft

Original poster
LittleMissCool · 19/06/2019 14:32

BIL is not very present, they lead separate lives.

I'm sure some of you may have misunderstood me? I'm not asking that he miss the competition. It is routine in that its an event that happens monthly - he is not a distant relative I look after his siblings to enable him to go to these monthly.

As I said I'm not expecting him to miss the competition. I'm just disappointed that it was discussed with everyone but me. Had she come straight to me my response would be that I was disappointed but for him to bring back a medal.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 19/06/2019 14:58

We even have 3 line whips in mine & dhs family for all family events, especially a wedding

Ha! This is brilliant. We have them in my workplace to ensure all staff attend their dreadful team-building events under sufferance. You'll be approached directly, and informed between the lines that you will either attend, or go to the top of the Head of Department's shit list.

If you need this kind of approach in a family, something has gone drastically wrong somewhere!

heath48 · 19/06/2019 15:04

I am from an older generation,the idea that a 10year old gets to decide what he is doing is alien to me.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/06/2019 15:06

I am assuming the sister and BIL had some input in to whether the 10 year old was going to the sporting event, as BIL would be taking him there.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 19/06/2019 15:07

I was on the side of the fence that saw weddings as very dull for 10-year old kids, and his attendance at his sporting event as not being the end of the world.

That was before the update about the conversation with Dsis. What a delight she sounds. Undeniably, hers does seem an odd attitude for someone supposedly 'close', and who is apparently happy to accept extensive (and no doubt free) babysitting services from the OP. If the relationship is generally OK, could there be some factor at play that you're unaware of?

YANBU to have expected your sister to raise this with you, rather than hearing it second-hand after they had already RSVPed in the affirmative. This was rude.

Similarly, it's unclear whether DN and BiL would be turning up halfway through the meal or leaving halfway through it, but it doesn't matter either way. Hosting people at weddings isn't a cheap business, and it's absolutely unreasonable to expect OP to pay for a meal that's likely to go to waste, or at best be half-eaten.

Understanding there's no question of DN being expected to forego his event - and the decision is out of OP's hands either way - this behaviour seems disconcertingly inconsiderate, rude, and apparently out of character. I'd be hurt, too.

CottonSock · 19/06/2019 15:09

Yanbu op, my kids won't miss my sister's wedding for anything barring disaster. She wants them there.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/06/2019 15:47

@LittleMissCool - you've recently posted this:
As I said I'm not expecting him to miss the competition. I'm just disappointed that it was discussed with everyone but me. Had she come straight to me my response would be that I was disappointed but for him to bring back a medal.

Now your response is "Don't show up mid-meal if this is happening". You're not exactly covering yourself in glory here.

I would say that the reason your sister didn't tell you, was that she knew you would carry on like this. She was probably hoping that her son could slip in mid way through the meal and you would be none the wiser about the whole situation. She might have even been hoping that the competition might be rescheduled (for some unknown reason) and it wouldn't have been necessary to tell you in the first place.

Inis · 19/06/2019 15:57

I'm just disappointed that it was discussed with everyone but me. Had she come straight to me my response would be that I was disappointed but for him to bring back a medal.

Well, that was probably why she was worried about it and postponed telling you, possibly consulting other family members to see if it could be finessed without you being dramatically disappointed, and implying that if the unfortunate kid doesn't arrive home with the gold it was hardly worth his while, was it?

IHeartArya · 19/06/2019 16:26

I disagree Marie it means everyone knows it’s family first & foremost as much as possible. Certainly a sporting event wouldn’t take priority over an important family event.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/06/2019 16:48

@IHeartArya it would for me, some of these events are very important for progression in the sport. We don't have a clue what this competition is though however long term, it could be important for the child and the wedding isn't.

IHeartArya · 19/06/2019 16:51

I was replying to Marie why it’s not a mistake in our families. And our families are both the same.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 19/06/2019 17:37

@IHeartArya - you know what? If both you and your DH have the kind of families that put each other first always, and being in their presence is a pleasure rather than a duty or obligation, you're very, very lucky. In fact, I'm a little envious. I did once have a family like this and am still close to my sibling but that strong sense of connection ended when my lovely Mum and Aunt both very prematurely died.

DH's family are unfortunately as remote as they come.

I was just being frivolous about the whip idea :)

IHeartArya · 19/06/2019 17:49

Thank you. It’s not always easy but we all try our best. And we have occasional disagreements but we try not to allow things to fester. Yes it’s usually a pleasure, not an obligation Smile

BarbarianMum · 19/06/2019 18:00

Honestly, I must really live in a parallel universe. One where it is really, fucking rude to rock up to a wedding reception halfway through cos you had something better to do first.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 19/06/2019 18:08

Honestly, I must really live in a parallel universe. One where it is really, fucking rude to rock up to a wedding reception halfway through cos you had something better to do first.

Totally agree.

Sounds like I'm in the minority but I'm with you OP. My family are close, I look after my nieces + nephews on a weekly basis and I would be gutted if my nephew didn't come to my wedding, especially for a sports competition. Unless he was competing at a super high, once in a blue moon level of the sport, like a world championship or something. I would understand that, but not a monthly competition for 10 year olds.

I'm surprised how many people think it's fine but all family dynamics are different. Much like a PP, the wedding of an immediate family member would be a 3 line whip or you would have granny to deal with Wink

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