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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was IBU leaving meal?

645 replies

CharDee · 16/06/2019 15:51

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

OP posts:
Banhaha · 16/06/2019 16:39

Missed the last update with details of Anna's previous comments. Just don't waste any more of your emotional energy on them. They are lower than pondscum.

RedDogsBeg · 16/06/2019 16:40

After reading your update Anna is no loss either, CharDee, I would question the character of anyone who had chosen to have a relationship and children with an arse of the calibre of Jack and I would never forgive anyone who said that about your termination and subsequent miscarriage.

Delete them both from your life and block, don't respond or waste a minute of your time or thoughts on either of them they are not worth it.

The friends who are at home with you now are the only ones worth your time and effort.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 16/06/2019 16:40

Anna has said a few times about DS being an only child being a shame

My DS is an only and he's fucking awesome.

thefuriousfuggler · 16/06/2019 16:41

Nothing to add.....just wanted to say what a brilliant DH and group of friends you have. As pp said, Anna and Jack deserve each other.

Nanny0gg · 16/06/2019 16:41

I had a termination when DH and I had been together a couple of months and she asked me if I felt guilty about that after I had one of my miscarriages and said she would torture herself thinking it was like a punishment for getting rid of one baby.

Well, Jack and Anna are clearly cut from the same cloth.

There's a friendship that won't be missed.

boobirdblue · 16/06/2019 16:41

Jesus fucking Christ that's just awful. I'm so sorry op, I'm sorry for your loses, I'm sorry that jack is such a twat, I'm sorry four DC is unwell.

I'm so glad your other friends showed solidarity.

JamAndCreamBiccies · 16/06/2019 16:41

I'd be saying fuck off forever to Jack and Anna, they are a pair of judgey twats!!

Skyejuly · 16/06/2019 16:42

Wow. I'm genuinely so shocked. Wow.

Jack is a dickhead. Don't reply to Jack. Let him realise he has been out of order. I wouldnt bother with Anna either personally as it seems clear she does not contribute anything to your life or well being.

F*ck them!

FirstTimeMummyDS88 · 16/06/2019 16:42

You are absolutely not being unreasonable

Jack would have worn my wine 😂

But what a wonderful supportive husband and friend group you have (apart from jack and Anna)

Thanks
boobirdblue · 16/06/2019 16:43

I'd rent with Jack, you're an curb, fuck off out of my life!

7yo7yo · 16/06/2019 16:44

I haven’t read the full thread and I’ve cried for you.
What an awful awful person.
I’m so sorry op.
As someone whose been through something similar please please access counselling if you haven’t already. Flowers

boobirdblue · 16/06/2019 16:44

A cunt not an curb!!

Nanasueathome · 16/06/2019 16:45

I would not even respond to Jack’s email

Booboostwo · 16/06/2019 16:45

Jack and Anna (given your update) are both nasty shits.

Your DH and friends are wonderful and I a must so glad they made their feelings known there and then.

RandomMess · 16/06/2019 16:45

His apology was a non apology...

I think I would consider replying

"DH asked you to not contact us. It was clear that no-one found it funny. I hope you don't ever have any of your DC die or find out they have a genetic condition like x and have people that you thought were friends "joke" about it."

Goodideaatthetime007 · 16/06/2019 16:45

You did exactly the right thing and it sounds as if you have some good friends (and a lovely husband).

I would not respond to Jack right now. Leave it and see if he follows through with a proper apology. If he does you can decide then how to proceed. If he doesn’t apologise properly and fulsomely I’d ignore him and move on with your life without him in it.

How to proceed with Anna is slightly different. Was she your friend first? Is she nicer than Jack? Would you miss her if the friendship ended? If she is genuinely your friend I wouldn’t ditch her because her DH is an arsehole but if she is just someone you spend time with because you live near and have children of similar ages you might want to rethink spending time with her.

AwdBovril · 16/06/2019 16:47

Our DD is an only child, due to circumstances beyond our control (mainly my health issues). She is fantastic.

Anna & Jack both sound like absolute twatfaces & you are very likely well rid. Well done for reacting with such dignity.

Drum2018 · 16/06/2019 16:47

Both of them are assholes. Do Not respond to his text. He doesn't deserve it. I'd block his number straight away so he cannot make any more pathetic attempts to defend his appalling actions. I wouldn't be contacting Anna either. Let them stew.

HermioneKipper · 16/06/2019 16:47

As everyone has said, what great friends and DH you have (NOT jack and Anna!) Ditch them I say.

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Goodideaatthetime007 · 16/06/2019 16:47

Just read your update about Anna - she sounds awful, they both do. I would block and ignore both of them from now on.

DigiBay · 16/06/2019 16:47

You, your DH and your friends are awesome.

Jack and Anna are cunts. Don't even bother replying. Delete and block.

BentBaastard · 16/06/2019 16:48

Ooh awful comments but how sexy of your dh to walk out too......

I would drink a bit more, get rid of friends and pounce on him.

Your friends are hideous. You are well rid of them.

BlueJava · 16/06/2019 16:48

What a twat Jack is! That's a completely inexcusable thing to say. Pleased your DH and friends stood up for you. YANBU!

1CantPickAName · 16/06/2019 16:49

Yep, Anna is a completely insensitive twat too. Of course your termination has no bearing on your miscarriages. Ignore them both!

Your dh shouldn’ Worry about losing that friendship, who needs friends like that?

CharDee · 16/06/2019 16:52

Message from Anna!!!

She has sent it to one of the friends who is here

"Seeing as how today was a disaster 🙄😂shall we try and organise another get together next weekend? What takeaway did you end up getting? The food wasn't that good at X today so feeling jealous that you all had something else."

She doesn't have Mumsnet because she's said in the past she wouldn't use it so almost certain she won't see this thread. I'm not even angry at her for not attempting to reach out to me. I think it's pretty clear that
I have great friends and can do without her!

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