Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

I thought you might cancel, you must be so embarrassed. As for letting me know when you’re free, I think think we both know the friendship is over. All the best.

Your DH and friends sound lovely.

I wouldn't respond. There is absolutely nothing to say to her message. She's nasty beyond belief.

Some of this replies are a bit too sarcastic / PA. she clearly isn’t embarrassed and has skin thicker than a rhino. I’d just say

‘I’m glad you’ve cancelled our plans. Following what Jack said yesterday, and the fact you both just dismissed how upsetting it was, it’s best that we just leave it there and don’t make anymore plans.’

Don’t engage at all. Just either ignore or say OK. Anything else will give her something to get her hooks into and possibly twist.

Read this thread last night and was completely flabbergasted at what was said and the initial reactions. I've just caught up with all the latest updates and responses and I'm just chin-on-the-floor-shocked at the behaviour of these two former friends.

As for a response, I'd be torn between saying nothing at all and blocking (leaving Anna forever wondering) or this...
I thought you might cancel, you must be so embarrassed. As for letting me know when you are free, thanks, but no thanks.

So pleased you have such a wonderful DH and friend group who have your back and have supported you.

@ hobnobsaremyfave
Go through the proper channels.

Deargod
What the fuck are you talking about?
I'm not sure I like what I think your insinuating
Just do one

hobnob I think the issue is more about what you were insinuating ie, that is is made up for the entertainment of other posters.

I've replied

Yes definitely not up for meeting this week. Don't worry about letting me know when you're next free, I have no interest in seeing you or Jack so would have declined anyway. Please don't try to get in touch with me again.

Thank you for all the amazing responses. I'm not letting Jack or Anna take up any more headspace.

If she'd asked a question rather than her (incredulous) offer to let you know when she's free (how kind ) then I wouldn't reply and go straight to block.

But I feel this needs a reply. One that is direct, cutting, cold and final to rubber stamp what a complete pair of unfeeling, self absorbed wankers they are.

Do not contact me again. Both of your behaviour is despicable.

Erm.... I just passed a sympathetic comment about the OP's twatty friends and what and awful day she'd had
No idea where you get anything else from
I wished the op a peaceful week as after such a horrible time she deserves some peace and space to breathe
But hey clearly you can read my mind more than I can

Excellent reply OP. To the point and not sarcastic.

Kudos to you CharDee. I'm normally one for mantra 'the best response to an idiot is silence', but I do agree with the PP above that a reply is merited on this occasion. She needed to be told to be on her way, and she needed to be told this by you. You've kept your dignity, haven't hidden behind anyone else, and have made it clear in no uncertain terms that this connection is severed.

I'd ensure you now block every avenue of communication leaving no chink in your armour, as I have a sneaking suspicion 'Anna' is enjoying all this. If she has no means through which to contact you, she can't play off any of your other friends against you.

I think you've handled this brilliantly.

Asking again @CharDee - how was your DS with the disruption yesterday? I hope he wasn’t too upset at having to leave the lunch abruptly?

hobnobs, Well, if there was ever any doubt, there's certainly none now.
Go and troll-hunt elsewhere.

Good response, OP.

Yep time to ghost then both.

Brave response OP (I mean that in a good way, I wouldn't have had the balls)- well done, totally appropriate

Dependant upon whether your DH ever wants to associate with Jack again, I'd probably put this:

I suppose I could understand that Jack could be an unfeeling, ignorant arse, but the worst part about this is me now having to question my judgement when I thought you were a decent friend - I have obviously no instinct to notice that someone can be so heartless and insensitive and not have any empathy with someone they are meant to be close to. As far as I'm concerned, you are not a friend and I deserve far more

Excellent response, OP. Stay classy.
I wonder if Anna and Jack would start texting the other mutual friends to get them back on their side.

Sorry didn't see that you responded - well done you ... don't doubt yourself - completely appalling behaviour from both of them ... it's bad enough to think a comment like that could be funny, but to not apologise on their knees after such diabolical behaviour is unbelievable -

At least you know she was losing sleep about it - possibly not about the offence or pain caused, but the mass exodus of friends. How is this going to LOOK? (Appearance is everything, of course!!!) At least she can hold her head up high and claim she has TRIED!!!) *Make sure your real friends know about the text at 1am. What a shallow, shallow cow Anna is!!!

You didn't overreact, you and DH both did exactly the right thing and you don't owe anyone an explanation on Jack's behalf, he was wrong and he knows it - it's up to him to explain himself.

@hobnobsaremyfave, I’m not sure why you’re getting a hard time! I agree it seems to have been an exhausting 24 hours for the OP, it’s so good MN is here to keep posters spirits up and offer handholding through it all. Amazing how the forum comes together at times like this, and keeps everything going for the op.

Hope your poor son wasn’t too upset by the upheaval at the meal, I know mine would have been rather worried by it all, but he’s a sensitive kid who’d get upset if one of his parents disappears.

I haven't read the whole thread, but what a terrible comment to make, made far worse by the absence of an immediate or even a subsequent apology.

Anna could have chimed in, but maybe felt she had to support Jack in public, if not in private. From recent comments I can see, that doesn't sound like what she actually did either though.

It's good to know that often blood IS thicker than water.

I can see nothing at all wrong with what hobnob said; other than viewing someone's unhappy situation as an unfolding drama which might certainly be interpreted as a bit 'off'. But all I saw was a message of sympathy that might perhaps have been better-expressed. Such is often the way with internet communication.

There was no subtle suggestion I could see that the original post was a creative-writing exercise. If anyone is troll-hunting here, it seems to be the respondent who appears curiously reluctant to let this go.