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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was IBU leaving meal?

645 replies

CharDee · 16/06/2019 15:51

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

OP posts:
TanyaChix · 17/06/2019 13:57

Jesus Christ. No YANBU at all. That’s an appallingly insensitive thing to say.

ByeClaire · 17/06/2019 13:58

Obviously there's nothing I could have done, I just feel sorry for their kids.

And I feel sorry for the OP too, as I remember her thread last month when it was her DH who said something callous about her miscarriage. She's had a rotten time of people being unbelievably unsupportive.

Skyejuly · 17/06/2019 14:17

Well rid!

LakieLady · 17/06/2019 14:42

I hope he gets terrible terrible diarrhoea. For a very long time.

That's mild. I hope he gets his bollocks trapped in a red-hot waffle iron.

Jack and Anna don't deserve friends as nice as you, your DH, and your other friends, OP.

[flower]

LakieLady · 17/06/2019 15:42

I'll let you know when I'm free again to do something Shock

Anna: You're stupid, self-centred and unkind. I don't have time for people like you and Jack in my life, so don't bother. Have a nice life.

CharDee · 17/06/2019 15:49

Not Anna and Jack gifs! Just ones that have made me laugh. There has been no mention of either of them all day.

No idea how their children were. One is a tiny new born and has no idea. One was asleep in a pram and the other was sat colouring in. I imagine that if the story is retold all three would have been crying and distraught. There was no shouting or raised voices, when our friend spoke up he was talking at a normal level and when DH said he was going he apparently said it in a breezy way, he's not a shouter though.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 17/06/2019 15:50

Anna is definitely not on MN. If she were then she would have asked us how to word that text.

She probably thinks she knows better than the entire MN hive-mind!

Purpleartichoke · 17/06/2019 16:12

You have a great DH and amazing friends. I know this has been a difficult experience, but I’m sitting here happy for you. That kind of love should be standard, but it’s sadly not.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/06/2019 16:26

I think your response was great.

I can't believe that Anna even thought you'd want to meet up with her at her convenience again, but this bit struck me: "...to avoid further upset..." - so she was planning on upsetting you more, was she??!

Smug, self-satisfied prick (and her H too).

You are SO well rid.

Sweetpea55 · 17/06/2019 16:52

Your friends sound so lovely and supportive.
Jack and Anna are total twats.
As your DH had known twatty Jack for a long time.. would he agree that Jack uses hour in awkward situations? His type of humour isn't remotly amusing. What a total tosser

tobedtoMNandfart · 17/06/2019 17:23

Why, after 585 comments, do people still reply directly to the OP?? Things have moved on people! Anna & Jack are massive toxic thundercunts!!

Hope you are OK today OP ❤️

Leosnewmummy · 17/06/2019 18:07
Angry
Cherrysoup · 17/06/2019 19:24

Class response to Anna’s text, OP. Bloody well done.

ChippingInLowCarbing · 17/06/2019 20:04

Texting friend is not in a couple with friend who spoke up but pregnant cocktail making friend is married to speaking up friend

Well THEY sound like a lovely couple. I hope texting friends partner is equally great, she deserves a good one

Lovely you have a new AJj free space to chat.

Im guessing the others will continue to put them straight about actually being arses & that itvwas a silly misunderstanding or you being too sensitive...they both need to learn from this not carry on minimising their nasty behaviour. Twats.

It was a horrible experience but it’s good to know who your real friends are

isadoradancing123 · 17/06/2019 22:42

You def did not overreact

Jamiefraserskilt · 17/06/2019 23:40

It wasn't an awkward situation (until he made it one by a stupid, insensitive comment) and it wasn't humorous.
Don't bother responding to the twat and cancel your play date with Anna.
Jack is the one that needs to offer a public apology to you both but to do that requires him to recognise he was an idiot of the highest order and I don't believe he or she have the brain capacity to do that.
Stick with nice people from now on. Good on your dh and other mates.

MadamMMA · 18/06/2019 18:04

Did you block Anna after you replied?

CharDee · 19/06/2019 21:20

Jack text DH this afternoon. He was supposed to play football tonight but obviously isn't. Jack hasn't been in touch since Sunday.

He just said that he assumed DH wouldn't be coming tonight so had tried to get someone else to play but no one else can fill in so can DH play after all because otherwise they won't be able to play. He ended the message with "Mates don't let mates down when it comes to footy."

DH (I'm so fucking proud of him!) replied "Mates don't speak to their mates wives the way you spoke to mine on Sunday. Mates don't use personal stuff that is clearly still raw to make jokes. Mates don't try to gaslight mates' wives in to thinking they are in the wrong for being upset when they've been an insensitive twat. I know Cha's asked Anna not to contact her and I don't want you to contact me or her. We're both done with the pair of you."

I've blocked them both and DH has blocked them too. None of the friends from Sunday have been asked to play football so jack clearly knew to not bother with them. I suspect he was trying to get DH back on his side and he just figured then everyone else would follow.

OP posts:
Tingface · 19/06/2019 21:22

Fucking hell, what a piece of work.

Figgygal · 19/06/2019 21:24

Well done your husband!!

OralBElectricToothbrush · 19/06/2019 21:27

What a pair of nobbers they both are! Bravo for your h. You don't need these people in your lives.

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 19/06/2019 21:28

Your dh is brill!

RandomMess · 19/06/2019 21:36

Bravo to you both Thanks

ThreadKillerSleepsInACoil · 19/06/2019 21:38

Wow, Jackshit really doesn't get it does he? He's still trying to joke his way out of it, like he wasn't an appalling, insensitive wankbadger.

Your DH rocks, and I'm sure half of MN has a crush on him right now Grin Blush Grin

Frazzled2207 · 19/06/2019 21:43

Your husband is amazing. Hope you're managing to put this whole ballsup behind you. What a pair!

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