Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

Just say no need to let you know when she is free in the future I’m sure she will agree that is probably best

No, if you'd cancelled on her you'd always have wondered if that would have taken away her chance to apologise properly. Now at least you know that you're not going to get any kind of apology from her, so you can ignore the vile creature with a clear conscience. I wouldn't reply at all, just leave her to stew. But then I can't think of a witty rejoinder.

I'll let you know when I'm free again to do something Well, again, she is keeping control and really owning all of that shite, isn't she? Not an ounce of self reflection in her.

Again 2 answers, 2 words...

1. "Don't bother" and block

2: No answer, just block

I'd just send, 'no need Anna, I think we both know the friendship's over. All the best.'

Last sentence optional. But it does make you seem like you're not actually all that bothered.

Don't send some righteously indignant reply, or it will make her think she's more important than she is.

Put “don’t bother. Following yours and Jacks insensitive, unbelievable behaviour and comments we want nothing to do with either of you.”

I have nothing to add except for how fucking dare she! I’m sure some excellent message suggestions will come along soon x

I like the response suggested by @FionasWineShow. It's all casual and nonchalant. If you say anything too much she'll just think she's important.

I'd probably just never reply to her though. So rude, it's as she's doing you a favour fitting her into her schedule.

You and your husband are an embarrassement! Jog on!

I would just respond 'I have no interest in further meet ups. Please don't contact me again.'

"No need to reschedule, I'm washing my hair that day"

"Anna, no need the answer will be no. All the best." It says fuck you I am not interested but you're not worth being angry over.
Or continued silence Anna and Jack have firmly demonstrated they are not worth one breath of consideration. Let's hope they have a good read about how they are generally perceived today.
In the meantime, now that you have some extra free time this week, enjoy making some fun plans!

How dare she?!?! I'm raging on your behalf!

I also like @FionasWineShow response.

What a bitch, as if you’ll be staring at your phone until she deigns to contact you again.
I’d just block and ignore tbh, wouldn’t even respond.

This is the thread that includes some of the worst behaviour I have ever heard of, and that is going some!!

OP absolutely send her a message and then move on without having anything to do with these cretins. Hope you're feeling a little better today

Whatever you send, leave in the “all the best”, it gives just the right tone of nonchalantness

Me being me, I just couldn't let that text go without some form of comeback so it's probably a bit wordy but you'll get the jist.

"In reply to the text that only a coward would send at 1am, I have the following to say.

1. I am not ok but I'll be a hell of a lot better when I lose the 200kg of people who I and DH thought of as friends. If you need me to spell that out, that happens to be you and your H.
2. You cancelling makes it so much easier as I wouldn't have been able to meet you now, or at any other time, in this life or the next!
3. Don't bother. I have no interest in you, your H or your offspring.

Now, DFOD!"

They have probably realised that Jack has been blocked by you and no doubt other friends have indicated their displeasure with their behaviour.
My favourite response so far, on this thread, has been the "No thanks" and a link to this thread.

The friendship is over, but be prepared for some damage limitation from them to your other friends. The pair of them will probably try and make you out to be super sensitive or lacking in humour. The way you have handled it so far is by far the most admirable and you have the moral high ground much to Anna's dismay . Good luck and I am so sorry for your loss x

Either no reply, or this from beesandcheese: "Anna, no need the answer will be no. All the best." No indignant rages. The pair of them sound so thick-skinned that that would just fuel their fire. Or they know full well how badly they have behaved and are trying to brazen it out/gaslight you into accepting it.

oh god, please send her the link to this thread

These two are a right bunch of twats.

I would have to reply to her message.

Also it is a good thing your other friends were at the meal because if it was just the four of you I think Anna and Jack would make out to everyone that you were being unreasonable.

I've just picked up on the thing about the termination

It sounds as if this pair shore up what are for whatever reason (that needn't concern you) very fragile egos by having decided that having had several children, and their parenting decisions, make them somehow morally superior. It sounds as if they have both actively kept putting their finger in this particular wound of yours for their own reasons. It's a very fragile balance of two-dimensional arrogance and lack of ease with themselves. I've experienced this in much, much milder form from a good friend. I could forgive her it because I knew where it was coming from. This, though, is out-and-out nasty and you should not provide yourself to be their ego-booster any more.

Perhaps Anna might wake up to her husband's unpleasantness one day and very much regret having lost you.

I think the thing thst will infuriate her the most will be a stony silence. Delete and block them both from all contacts and social media.

I can't believe how insensitive they both are.

I think you’ll find any future answer here...
Link to thread

Thanks.

Oh Anna it just gets better and better. Cancelling on me before I get to cancel on you, with a cowardly text at 1am. Were you pissed? Because no sober person could ever imagine that I would respond with anything other than fuck off.

You are not my friend.

All the best

Char

"No thanks."