Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

I'd just text back: No Thanks.

Short and sweet.

Then let your DH tell his friend exactly where he stands. It will have more impact coming from him because it's his childhood friend.

Then be thankful you don't have to see them again.

A very similar thing happen to me only I had my family pressuring me into sweeping it under the carpet which I refused to do.

What @FionasWineShow said 👍🏻

I like FionasWineShow's response. But would be tempted to add either
No, I'm not OK. What Jack said, and your behaviour since are both incredibly hurtful and unforgivable.
But whatever your response, block her from now. Your dignity has been admirable, she will never acknowledge the utter cunt-ness of what they did.

You did not over react, you did exactly the same thing and he should bail himself out of his own stupid comments certainly not expect you too. I wouldn't even bother to reply.
There was no "humor" in what he said.

Sorry exactly the right thing.

"Fuck off, you utter bitch" would be my reply. She really is a cunt, isn't she? I would not be able to stop myself for love nor money.

This is just awful. I'd reply:

"meeting up this week is definitely out of the question and quite frankly ant future arrangement isn't possible. This situation has highlighted that we now have different approaches to life and the way we treat the people we care about. I think we should move on and go our separate ways."

Her message:
"Hey, sorry about today. Hope you're feeling ok. I think it's probably best that we cancel our meet up this week to avoid any further upset. I'll let you know when I'm free again to do something"

My suggested response is no reply, and block.
As others have said, Anna's responses smack of arrogance and lack of self awareness.
And I'm reminded of the saying about wrestling with a pig in mud, where the pig enjoys it.
Or as the other saying goes: You can't argue with Crazy!

“I'll let you know when I'm free again to do something"”

Jeeez, that is SO patronising! She assumed that you will jump at the chance when SHE is free.

I'll let you know when I'm free again to do something
Jesus Christ. That's gracious of her!

'I thought you might cancel, you must be so embarrassed.
As for letting me know when you are free, thanks, but no thanks'

Then block

Just to add, she sounds very toxic to me.
Stay away for the sake of your mental health.

I have a feeling she'll try and reel you in though in time.

DO NOT REPLY

Just ghost them now, seriously. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of a reply.

I just wouldn't reply at all. Ever again. Friendship over.

If you happen to bump into them then cross that bridge when you come to it. (If it were me I would just blank them unless verbal communication was absolutely necessary).

Damn I'm speechless. ( rare for me) you did the right thing and didn't make a public scene .
You and dh must be so angry

I’d be tempted to just send that buh bye Felicia meme/gif whatever it is but you have some very classy responses lined up on here.

Hope you’re doing ok. This is all on that pair of twats and is a reflection of them not you. You’re a star and have a brilliant DH and some real friends.

The friendship is over, and not a minute too soon. Time to move on and don't reply to any further messages.

If you bump into them in passing be cordial and brisk, do not engage, and vow never ever to see them again socially or in any other capacity.

You handled this awful situation perfectly, well done. They should hang their heads in shame.

Like your friend did 'no thanks, that doesn't work for me'

Horrible. You haven’t said how your DS or Jack & Anna’s older children reacted? I can’t help feeling very sorry for them, being caught in the cross-fire like that; your DS hearing unkind things said to you, and for Jack’s children hearing your DH and friends (justifiably) criticise him and then have most of the party leave. Must have been upsetting for them. Did your DS say anything afterwards?

I’d text back something like “gosh I was expecting an apology but instead you’re asking me to explain and make allowance for your terribly rude behaviour!” Not sure what to say really, I think our friendship has done its dash. All the best. Then BLOCK that arsehole.

Oh and just wanted to say you should feel worried or ashamed of choosing not to have more children! This is a very valid and reasonable choice to to make. Please don't spend the rest of your life beating yourself up and 'making up for' anything.

You have had a child, you don't want any more. That should be the end of it, and good on you for knowing what is right for your family and knowing what works for you. Having more children when you don't want them is a recipe for disaster op.

and your friends are probably totally knackered with three kids including a newborn, it is so exhausting, and they probably envy you looking rested and relaxed with lots of spare cash in the bank. They are not friends!

You should NOT!!

Don’t send a long reply. Just ignore. Or “OK”.