Was IBU leaving meal?

[CharDee]

We went for a meal earlier for Father's Day/DH's Birthday/friends birthday. We arranged this a couple of weeks ago and it slipped our mind it was Father's Day but everyone was happy to go along with it still.

There was 8 of us all there plus DS and friends children. Our friends -"Anna" and "Jack" had their two older children and a newborn. All our other friends who were there don't have children but one couple is expecting their first baby.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and DH and I have decided that we are not going to have any more children. DH always wanted more and coming to this decision was hard for him especially.

Our friends are aware of the miscarriages that I've had and we've said that we don't want any more children. The main reason is that I can't go through another miscarriage but also DS was born with a rare condition that a new baby may have too.

At lunch Jack asked DH what DS has got him for Father's Day. I had spent quite a lot of money, I think maybe a bit out of guilt, and got him a new games console and games. Anna said she felt guilty because she only got Jack something small. Jack laughed then said "Well you've given me three children. I bet CharDee got DH that because she's never going to give him anymore babies." Nobody else laughed and one of our friends just said "That's a bit rude don't you think Jack? I think you should apologise."

Jack laughed it off and said "I didn't mean anything by it but Anna shouldn't have to feel bad about presents just because CharDee feels bad about not being able to have kids. I'm not overstepping here but we know she didn't want anymore anyway."

I just felt like shit and couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just stood up and walked out. I got in the car and drove home. We only live a five minute drive away so when I got home I just text DH to apologise and asked him to either walk with DS or call when he's ready to leave. Not ten minutes later DH was home with DS and the other friends (with the exception of Anna and Jack) and suggested we order a takeaway instead and stay at home.

Jack has since sent me a message basically saying he uses humour in awkward situations and that he's sorry I didn't find it funny but thinks everyone leaving was an overreaction and asked if I could explain this to everyone that it's nothing to be offended over. I haven't replied because I honestly can't put in to words how I feel but now I'm slightly worried that I over reacted.

Was I wrong to leave the meal and then was it wrong for DH to leave and bring everyone home? Apparently DH said he was leaving and his friend (who is the one who asked Jack to apologise) suggested Jack and Anna stay and everyone else come to see me. I'm worried that I made the afternoon all about me when all I tried to do was not get in a ridiculous argument and cause a scene!

I can’t believe how badly jack behaved. Well done you your dh and friends for leaving them in their nastiness ! Honestly really shocked at his behaviour. Sorry you had to deal with it. You did not overreact.

No you didn't overreact what a bloody twat! He uses humour in awkward situations? Sounds like bullshit to me coming from an arsehole. You handled it very well hun. He should keep his mouth shut if he can't think of anything good or respectful to say.

I would never talk to Jack again. I don't like be round people like that.

@Tillygetsit did Anna message?? I don’t see it!

You did not overreact, you did the right thing. Your husband is lovely and supportive.

Jack behaved appallingly.

I'm sorry about all the medical things and your situation.

I am so sorry x

They are utter fuckers and you know what, you come across as completely lovely on here, so I bet this is why your real friends were happy to take your side xx

Jack and Anna really deserve each other and they have left me really gobsmacked, which is saying something amongst the dickish behaviour unique to Mumsnet.

Your friend is amazing and I love her response to Anna.

I'm so sorry about your miscarriages, OP, but you have dealt with this amazingly and you have a brilliant DH and some truly supportive friends.

From what you've mentioned in your further posts, Jack and Anna are insensitive and judgemental people and you are better off without them. I too hope their children turn out differently to their parents.

Jack is clearly an idiot who can’t work out the message he was being given by everyone leaving!

This is probably one of the most shocking things I have ever read. What a pair of shitbags. For one thing, there was no 'awkward situation' that he needed to attempt to be 'humourous' about - people talking about whether or not they had bought Father's Day gifts isn't particularly awkward (unless someone has very recently either lost their father or is a father who has just lost a child - but in such a situation a quick apology and change of subject would do the trick). Secondly, he seems to have gone out of his way to say something insulting and hurtful to you - does he have any particular reason to want to upset you? EG has he ever tried to flirt with you and been rebuffed or some such thing?
I wonder if his problem isn't just radioactive levels of misogyny, to the extent that a woman who doesn't have a lot of babies is somehow a wicked/inadequate woman, because women are incubators rather than human beings...

DH and Jack may have been friends when they were immature kids but your DH us definitely a proper grown up knows no knows exactly where his loyalties lie. He doesn't need Jack any more not his judgey wife. You have yourself a good group of friends and they're the ones where you should put your future.
Forget the other two idiots. You should absolutely have walked out. They're probably too thick to even know why and think everyone else has issues rather than them. They belong in misery together while you live your life with the nice folk.

What a rude and insensitive ‘friend’. You did well to politely remove yourself, and your husband sounds like a good ‘un, supporting you by coming home too.

Hugs. It’s difficult on these ‘special’ days. I can’t have kids, and I often get a pang on these occasions. Look after yourself - and your little family. They’ve got your back. X

What in the name of tap-dancing Jesus goes through peoples minds before they say utter shit like this to another person? The two of them are complete shits.

OP, and her husband and friends are all class acts. Sometimes the only option is the nuclear option and not only should she never dignify any communication from either Mr or Mrs Shit again, she should be glad she's free of those fake friends - especially since she's got such great real ones.

Underlining Annas shittiness is the baby shower greed, as though it needed elucidating.

Although Mr and Mrs Shit do kind of warm my heart in a bizarre and strangely warm way. For one grade-A shit to meet and marry an equally grade-A shit to form such a perfect couple of Shits...well it really does prove that there really is a lid for every pot.

Even pots of shit.

Jack and Anna sound like the kind of people who like the idea of a big social friendship group, but not the actual effort that goes into maintaining individual friendships. Anna’s message to your friend with the emojis was a rather pathetic attempt to minimise what had happened as a blip and ‘totes awks lol’ because she wants to get back to fun lunches and nights out; real life and real feelings are inconveniences that get in the way of that. People like that never change. You are well rid of them.

Your dh and friends are wonderful.

I had both sad and happy tears for you.

Those cretins that deserve one another use the word "jealous" a lot it seems. Petty, lowbrow turds.

CharDee, i am nearly 60. By this time, i have had plenty of life led and watched too. I have become more religious simply bc i have been to many funerals now.

NEVER think that what she said about termination is remotely true. I believe in God. My God is not a petty, punitive a$$hat. People are those things. But the universe isn't 'Just' most of the time, so why would it specifically seek you out to punish?

She is mean. He is certainly cruel. God/Universe/Whomsoever is not. People like her give people like me a bad name.

As humans, we do what we think is best at the time. You did. Don't look back.

I have learned that many/most of the time when I dont get what I want most, I usually eventually, get what I need most.

Your life is painful bc of those miscarriages and your heartbreaking decision but your heart is big and loving. Your husband devoted and strong and delightful. You have more than some people with 5 dc; you have strength, class (you didn't curse him, you simply left), love and kindness.

Your dh is lucky to have you too.

That's not an apology its an excuse & attempt to minimise your feelings. It wasn't 'an awkward situation' . It was just different presents for Fathers Day, which he used to make a vindictive dig about you. I'd drop him like a stone as a friend. Your other friends sound lovely supporting you.

Jack and Anna are both cuntish fuckers. I'd never speak to either of them again. It's clear they've been talking and disapproving of your choice not to have more children for a while. Assholes.

After reading your updates, it sounds like Jack and Anna aren't really much of a loss. They both sound thoughtless/judgy/with absolutely no filter at best, cruel at worst. They're obviously very well suited to each other though.

To be honest, I can't work out which one sounds worse! Jack's comment about "given me 3 children" made me want to dry heave, but Anna's comments about your termination in relation to your miscarriage...what a bitch!

You know, sometimes people leave me speechless..... rarely - but this is just one example where I can’t think of anything bad enough to say about those two.
So, so sorry for everything you’ve already been through. You didn’t deserve them adding to it, and you shouldn’t have questioned your reaction either.
I AM very pleased that you do have amazing, supportive friends who totally see Jack & Anna for who they are -
They are fired... Buh bye!!!

Asking if you had had a miscarriage was bad enough but to ask if it was another miscarriage is just cruel.

You (and your DH) were not unreasonable, and good on your other friends for the support. ‘Jack’ was spectacularly insensitive and then an arse to try and justify it.

Anna has sent me a message! She sent it at 1 this morning.

"Hey, sorry about today. Hope you're feeling ok. I think it's probably best that we cancel our meet up this week to avoid any further upset. I'll let you know when I'm free again to do something"

Agh!!! This has made me so angry! It should be ME cancelling on HER. Can someone please help me with a reply? I want to remain calm and dignified as well as let her know that I am the one who has made the decision to not be their friends anymore but worry that I'll end up getting in to a rage with her!

I think thats best. Here's a link to a mumsnet thread you may find intetesting.

CharDee how about "Don't bother trying to reschedule. Obviously after the appalling way you and your husband have behaved, including the way you have tried to minimise what you've done since, I no longer wish to remain friends with either of you. Please don't contact me again." Then block and delete from phone, email, social media etc.

"How thoughtful of you- however I think it's best we cancel all arrangements for the foreseeable future and that you and Jack not contact me again".

However I am not the most tactful in these situations 😆